time has no authority over the nervous system
grief does not answer to clocks
excitement does not dissolve on command
you cannot stop the moments
when you reach inside my head
and take two wires
that have never touched before
and cross them
ive uncrossed a lot of wires with you
do not mistake my mind for a clean circuit board
that you have somehow interrupted --
it is a box of christmas lights,
knotted into itself,
tight with history,
impossibly rigid and fragile,
bright, but strangled
they are only crossed
the way they learned to survive
it takes patience
to sit with this tangle
to work, finger by finger
through stubborn memory stuffed into scars
until the bulbs begin to breathe again
—--------------------
you make the air in this world breathable
because your brain
is not wired like mine
yours is not circuitry-
it is stained glass
it is mosaic
it is color refusing containment
every shade layered
every fracture deliberate
a life lived by an artist
who trusted explosion
and every time
you cross my wires,
something shorts,
something sparks,
and when the smoke clears,
where there was rigidity,
there is now color
this brain is learning color
this body is learning to breathe
to love without owning
to release without losing
—------------------------------
see, our brains are only organs,
our bodies only instruments
for making music in this life
neurons reach for one another
briefly,
like hands in passing
and we have held many in our hands, my love,
and we have been held by many
our brains have found counterpoints,
our bodies have felt familiar to others
but the mind is not the brain
and the self is not the body
this vessel --
blood and nerve
spine wrapped in bone
meat protecting daydreams --
it is a temporary cathedral
a gift
on loan from the universe
a shell composed of stardust
in my heart,
i can see a memory i do not share
i can see you beside another
i can see you loving another
because i see you as a being beyond the stars
before i see you as mine
a creature of appetite
of curiosity
of desire
of becoming
if i could,
i would spend this life beside you
and inside your gravity
if i could,
i would hold your life next to mine
but your body --
your hands
your mouth
your lips
your hips
your curves
your breath
your temple
it was never built for my ownership
only for your experience
this worship is temporary
when it is gone,
when the architecture changes,
when we wear new skin,
i will know you
in the next life, when we look a little different
i will find the color again
i will see stained glass
and i will know you