It's not that I don't want to be with you, it's my dad walking in at 11 o'clock at night,sometimes not at all, and leaving again at 7. It's expecting him to be on business trips more than he's home. It's believing that all daddy's didn't spend time with their kids ever. It's not understanding that mommy and daddy are supposed to sleep in one bed and go on dates and kiss and love each other. It's my brothers death day, it's feeling his body being cold as ice and not understanding why, It's being 7 years old and having your life turned upside down. It's when daddy's suicide attempts and publicly severe depression became routine. It's accepting that my daddy will never be stable. It's having my best friend move to another country when i needed her most. It's no longer caring or wanting my daddy around. It's having my parents get separated after seeing it coming for so long. It's what I see in the mirror. It's my body and it's my mind. It's hating who I am and wanting so badly to be somebody else. It's the binge and the purge and the pain. It's having my daddy written about in the papers because they think he's a bad man. It's being recognized as the daughter of that man I read about. It's having my daddy decide i should be a part of his life 16 years too late. It's knowing my daddy cheated on my mommy for so long. It's having everyone else in the world know it too because a newspaper implied it. It's having anxiety but no one being able to help. It's feeling trapped and alone everywhere I go. It's panic attacks out of the blue that keep me up all night. It's going out with my dad to avoid his suicide but wanting nothing more than to scream and cry for all he's done. It's watching him say his third marriage vows to a woman half his age. It's that she's the woman the newspapers talk about. It's feeling more and more like shit everyday. It's feeling numb. It's wanting so badly to be happy and get away. It's never being good enough and it's never being satisfied with myself. It's that I want you so much that I could never let you in.