i didn't think i would
but i did
i am

i am falling for you
and i can't stop now
so i can do is hope
hope that you are falling for me too

i'm trying so hard to write
but it's hard to have your feelings right at the surface
floating like a decaying fish in a lake
an eyesore
something you can't  stay away from
a leach  
******* your energy and happiness away

its hard when you realize that the love you felt wasn't love at all
and no matter how hard you try, it never will be

my feet hurt
my shoes are worn from the places i've been
i don't want to go anywhere else
i want to feel
i want to feel love again
i want to feel you in my arms
i want to hear you say those two words that i desperately need to hear
"i'm sorry"
but i know you'd be lying
and yet, my ears ring
and hope for those words to leave your lips

i'm trying so hard
but you're not trying at all
it's hard to talk when no one is listening

please don't make me hate loving you
don't make me hate the ache i get in my chest
please don't make me hate myself for being so stupid

please

they tell you they will be there for you
like your shadow that kisses the pavement
but the sun sets and the shadow leaves
like everyone seems to be doing these days
and i need someone when the night is black and my eyes can't stay closed

i need you

you told me that the way the ice melts
and drips off of the side of the building makes you
think of me
and i hope that we can watch the water drip from your window
soon
because
everything reminds me of you
and i want to experience life with you
and no one else

and i am so madly in love with you

it has replaced my blood
it runs through my veins
and circulates throughout my body
and like blood,
i need it to survive

i pray every night that you'll be okay
because i still love you
and i think about you every day

everyone tells me that someone else will come along
but frankly,
i'm scared as hell
and i hate to be alone.
and the fact that we aren't together anymore
makes my thoughts tumble down
and take a turn for the worst
but, i guess it's for the best
but my heart still hurts
and i am trying so hard to be okay  
but, i know deep down, i'm not
i'm really not.

for now i will try my best to survive
and maybe someday
my blood will circulate throughout my body
once again.
i miss you

why do i miss you
and your stupid nicotine stained fingertips grazing my cheek
get out of my head

yellow paint plastered on the pale walls
it stains like red wine on a wedding dress
and i can't stand this anymore

i'm getting pins put in my body tomorrow
like those red pin cushions that sit on a table in your basement.
and it will also be your birthday.
and i'm sorry i will be benumbed.
i'm sorry this happened
i'm sorry that the mason jar full of loose change and dollar bills
and the piggy bank covered with dust and cobwebs
will soon be vacant
i am nothing but a pin cushion
and i wish i could be something more.

i want to paint your eyes
on a blank canvas
with paints
colored blue and gray
so i never forget
how exquisite they are
and how i never can stop staring into them

i let the rain build up on the windshield
and other things seemed to build up too

colorful blocks stacked up in a tall tower
but at some point it must crumble
scatter amongst the floor
red, blue and yellow blocks cover it
and i can't get my hands to pick them up.

it was a full moon
and as we admired it
i realized that
i had never felt more love for anyone
in my entire life.

the ache
i feel
when
i see
something so
beautiful
and
heart-stirring
makes it worth
it when
i am
looking into
them-- those magnificent
eyes that seem
to say
"i love you"
without your mouth
uttering a single
word,
phrase,
sentence.

my drained
eyes gaze
back at yours
and they  tell you
"i know you do"
and
you smile
and
i smile back.

someday it will happen .
someday we will hike
to the spot where you carved our initials in the decaying wood
and you will remind me of the promise you had made to me that day
that we would go there together
and you would never let me slip through your fingers
like the dirt under our feet
and i just really hope that the promise you made to me will be kept
because i'm not very tenacious
and i can't go on without you
and i hope i never have to

It curls my toes
And hits vertebrae after vertebrae
Of my spine
Cold water drips down onto my head
And makes me want to curl up into a ball
I'm not sure why I let the cold water run
I guess I just didn't have the desire to move
And use my tired hands to twist the faucet
I just wanted you
And the cold water seemed to
wake me up from the dream
That I felt as if I was in
Whenever I was in your presence
The water wakes me up from my delirious state
And takes me back to actuality
And all I really know now is that
I'm freezing
And I miss you

harmful yet tempting
it lurks within
the thought of it
the memories of it

it pierces your heart
with a fine needle
making a design that cannot be taken away
it throbs
pulsating throughout your entire body
rattling your bones
and sending traces of it through your bloodstream

it's venom
it immortalizes you and yet,
you like it
you covet for it
you want the thing that slowly makes you into something you're not

it's slowly eradicating your flesh
and yet, you like
the smell
the sensation
the sound that echoes within your ear canal

harmful yet tempting
it lurks within
and you don't have the tenacity to rid it from yourself

i tried
i picked it up and
strummed some chords
but every time i try to sing the
lyrics i have written
i cry
and i'm done with this
i'm trying to write
but i can't
and this is why

i feel as if you're still here
and i'm scared of you
did you hear my words?
i'm scared of you
i'm scared of the feelings that seem to follow you
like ducklings following their mother
and you're always here
like those ****** demons
in those pitiful films
they call horror
and crap,
i feel bad
i feel really bad
and i know i shouldn't
but i do
and can you please stop?
you seem to be reigning over me
floating over my head
and it's constant
the thoughts i think
"i feel used"
"this entire thing was a lie"
"i'm an idiot"
and this isn't good
and it's scaring me
everything about you scares me now
and i'm glad it's over but then again,
i'm not
i'm really not
and i can't bring myself to sing
a song because that's what we used to do
and it's stupid
i know
but
that is why
i can't

i have began to know what it is
i want
but
now
i
am
impatient

longing
for that
one
thing
and it seems to be so distant from me

i can glance
at it
and
admire
it
dream of it
but it is still so distant from me

the dusty guitar sits in the corner
ancient strings
not emitting the sounds that they're supposed to
  
it's hollow
nothing but dust and air
and i can't get myself to pick it up
because every time i do
i think of all the times you would sing to me
that melody that rang in my ears
and spoke to my heart

he taps on my left shoulder
whispers the things i want to hear--lies
the seductive phrases that haunt my thoughts

his black sweatshirt aroma fills my nose
and thousands of memories run through my head
the rhythm of his heart makes a beat my feet involuntarily tap to

he taps on my right shoulder
whispers the things i know should be said
the honest and accurate sentences

his white tee shirt hugs his body in all the right places
and i remember hugging him goodnight
and feeling as if i molded to his ample body

one is the future
one is the past
two ropes
tied to my waist
each side tugging, pulling
but it's ultimately my choice
and i have not the faintest clue
not the faintest clue

it drips
down the strands of hair
that populate my scalp
seeping in the pores
penetrating the folds and fissures of my brain
it lodges itself in my cerebral cortex
impairing my thinking, judgement and reasoning

it reigns
it never ceases
continuously present

cracking knuckles and
the seams are ripping
on your wretched sweatshirt sleeves
and there was a moment
where
i didn't mind
but now i have began to feel it as the delicate thread
is pulled and teared

listen to my voice
this sweatshirt will soon be demolished
nothing but
a ball of thread and scraps of black fabric
stained and tattered
and i don't have a needle

The birds seem to be telling me
In harmonious chirps
That it must be abolished

Two miniscule bugs slowly glide across the keyboard
Green with a hint of yellow
Their antennas swing up and down
They’re speaking to me too
With subdued voices
They say
That it must be abolished

A pale red ladybug flutters
From blade of grass to blade of grass
From what seems to be an infinite pattern
Of green lushness
It seems to be showing me
What I must do,
Move on
Move on from this blade of grass
That it must be abolished

An adolescent fly lands on the screen
Rubbing its arms together
And then I blink
And it has vanished
Maybe this is a sign
That I must leave
And
That it must be abolished

Why is it that everything seems to be telling me
What I desperately don’t want to hear?
It’s irrevocable

I’ve tried
And
tried
I’ve buried it in the dank dirt
Like the earthworm that I found in the soil
But the rain soon came for a visit
And it arose from the soil and into a puddle of murky water
I tried to impel it back into the ground
But it was impossible

Now I seem to say to myself
That it must be abolished
And now it doesn’t seem to be so foreign to me