"I Wish People Wouldn't Question My Sanity Out of Novelty."

Lukewarm coffee and the cat, [not my cat, the cat, a cat] is making the bathroom floor look cozy. I haven't had a terrible nightmare or a beautiful dream in what feels like months, not years, but close. I have an odd fascination with light bulbs, sources of light, man-made fountains of brightness. Not the sun. Rarely the moon. I don't sleep well. My father learned about my suicide attempt and thoughts, because my sister told my mother, and she waved that banner like a parade float far above my head for everyone to see. Above his head as a symbol of his failure. I couldn't pull it down. Like Snoopy between two large buildings, it was just inevitable. A matter of time, really. My past curls up into a ball and waits, like a cat on vacation from eyes being open. The eyes open. We're standing at the kitchen table. You tell me that it wasn't your fault. Not directly, of course. You tell me about my bass teacher, my ex-girlfriend. Insinuate I was depressed about these things. These are the materials to make the cocktail I drank, full of not bittersweet poisons, but neurotoxins. You tell me it's not your fault. Now you don't have to apologize. You were wrong. I didn't "discover" these venoms in some fresh cabinet waiting to be torn down, you, you [expletive], I grew up next to them, an IV drip in my jugular, direct feed to my brain. [expletive]. [expletive]. I learned how to sincerely love cursing because you wanted to censor my emotions. I learned to hate myself from you. I learned how to look at myself as not enough because of you. Surely, daddy the great doesn't owe me an apology, the selfless man who tore us across the country broke all the way. Surely, if his intentions were noble, his actions were pure. Just like Elvis Costello, your aim was true. Depression is like trying to find a light in a room that is full of dark corners. For a long time, I had no light. Eyes closed. I bomb the parades and smile in a hotel window at the chaos in my mind-world. My other home away from home. I ask my girlfriend how often someone should think about suicide. The floats lift higher than the eye should see. They become a string of dots in an otherwise empty sky. Amorphous shapes in clear blue water. Splotches of paint on a manilla canvas. Something geometric with the fingers, turned into a sound, then a sample, then a symphony. There is no remedy, no cure, just placebos and snake oils. Birds chirping. Silence.

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