I was sitting in my class,
When a visitor asked,
"What 'First time' in my life
Was one that I'd take back,
I said "first drink, first smoke,
First shot of ****** first dream,
First hope, and the first time
I lacked. "
He asked what I meant,
I said that I'd been in love,
And one day I'd woken,
And he'd risen above.
And if i could go back,
I'd likely do it all again,
Because we'd lived for the thrill;
Both me and my "Special friend. "
But we'd kept it "down low, "
Even after he'd proposed,
And told me he'd buy or
Steal me a ring once we'd
Gotten whole,
But like so many things,
I've suffered in life,
I lost my love, I lost my
Heart, and even turned
To the knife.
Now it's been thirteen years,
And the wound it still hurts,
Like every year on October 16,
I feel like dirt. Like the tar
That we took,
That one last hit,
That broke us both and left me
Reeling from the shock
Of the loss of you...
I still don't know what to do;
There's so many reasons,
That all through the seasons,
I'm always here, thinking of you.
You would tell me to calm down,
You'd tell me to stop.
You'd stop me from cutting too
Deeply, I'd drop.
But since you've been gone,
I've tried six times, again...
But i know that you're watching me;
You won't let me end...
And i know why...
Because you loved me,
You won't let me die...
Nov 21, 2025
Nov 21, 2025 at 12:08 AM UTC
I was sitting in my class,
When a visitor asked,
"What 'First time' in my life
Was one that I'd take back,
I said "first drink, first smoke,
First shot of ****** first dream,
First hope, and the first time
I lacked. "
He asked what I meant,
I said that I'd been in love,
And one day I'd woken,
And he'd risen above.
And if i could go back,
I'd likely do it all again,
Because we'd lived for the thrill;
Both me and my "Special friend. "
But we'd kept it "down low, "
Even after he'd proposed,
And told me he'd buy or
Steal me a ring once we'd
Gotten whole,
But like so many things,
I've suffered in life,
I lost my love, I lost my
Heart, and even turned
To the knife.
Now it's been thirteen years,
And the wound it still hurts,
Like every year on October 16,
I feel like dirt. Like the tar
That we took,
That one last hit,
That broke us both and left me
Reeling from the shock
Of the loss of you...
I still don't know what to do;
There's so many reasons,
That all through the seasons,
I'm always here, thinking of you.
You would tell me to calm down,
You'd tell me to stop.
You'd stop me from cutting too
Deeply, I'd drop.
But since you've been gone,
I've tried six times, again...
But i know that you're watching me;
You won't let me end...
And i know why...
Because you loved me,
You won't let me die...
This poem is one dedicated to my former fiancé, may he rest in peace. He was the co-writer on another one of my poems, "Heroin eyes, " and he passed on October 16, 2013. I realize that it's a little late for an anniversary poem, but I've had a lot going on in my life lately. Still, i found myself thinking about him tonight, and this came to me before bed.
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