i am tormented every night with the memories of friends i’ve never made. each night they hold me, laugh with me, and rejoice in how wonderful it is that we are all queer together. the little time we have feels so warm like a flag on a beach that’s been sitting and getting lightly bleached by the sun. i wake up salted with tears of laughter from the night before and find that all the party has gone. i feel cheated because each night i swear i’m getting closer and closer to actually swimming into their arms. but instead, this morning i am awoken again in a shock to find myself anchored down to a frosted sea. my heart has to reassess the world around and come to terms with the fact that what i submissively held in my glorious bathed-in-sunlight dreams last night, something i’ve always achingly yearned for, was simply never really found. yet i meekly believe that if i force my spiritually tired eyes shut for just a moment longer, i’ll sink through and i won’t be needing to be waking up cold and pitiful without my queer friends, and my soul asunder. i miss my queer friends so much, it hurts me. and each and every morning just feels worse. with each connection more meaningful and understanding than the last, it stabs me deep in my heart each morning knowing i have to let it sleep in the past. i don’t want yet another cruel reminder of something i want that i will never have. just because i’m used to the cold doesn’t mean i don’t enjoy the sunshine raining upon me, gracing my body with the warm and lulling arms of friendship that fill me with a love that is close to godly. i would do anything like sew my eyes shut and drown in pills just so i can see my friends for one warm minute again. yes, again. please dear god, again. to be held, to laugh, and to be understood again. nobody understands how much i miss my queer friends and i would rather sleep forever than be awake and coping with the weathering truth that this connection has been broken. because every time i try to find something real, it has led to me to places where judgement and alienation is all this androgynous heart can feel. the queer friends from my dreams have never once judged me. not once have they made me limp away from disapproving glances, forsaken me in crowds of dismissing masses, it has only ever been in my dreams that i have been given these soothing beautiful chances. i am always to be seen as neutered and sexless, but not as paradisical and ethereal as god intended. perhaps i do moor myself to the glacial shores of my mind because i feel safe in the cold that is close to the coast but i must realize there is only so much healing i can do on my own. in freezing winters, one needs warmth from friendly bodies to hold so i will wrap myself and continue to hold on to a hope. of a day where i find my queer friends, a day where i won’t be nippingly alone.
S. Azrael
Dec 19, 2025
Dec 19, 2025 at 10:30 PM UTC
i am tormented every night with the memories of friends i’ve never made. each night they hold me, laugh with me, and rejoice in how wonderful it is that we are all queer together. the little time we have feels so warm like a flag on a beach that’s been sitting and getting lightly bleached by the sun. i wake up salted with tears of laughter from the night before and find that all the party has gone. i feel cheated because each night i swear i’m getting closer and closer to actually swimming into their arms. but instead, this morning i am awoken again in a shock to find myself anchored down to a frosted sea. my heart has to reassess the world around and come to terms with the fact that what i submissively held in my glorious bathed-in-sunlight dreams last night, something i’ve always achingly yearned for, was simply never really found. yet i meekly believe that if i force my spiritually tired eyes shut for just a moment longer, i’ll sink through and i won’t be needing to be waking up cold and pitiful without my queer friends, and my soul asunder. i miss my queer friends so much, it hurts me. and each and every morning just feels worse. with each connection more meaningful and understanding than the last, it stabs me deep in my heart each morning knowing i have to let it sleep in the past. i don’t want yet another cruel reminder of something i want that i will never have. just because i’m used to the cold doesn’t mean i don’t enjoy the sunshine raining upon me, gracing my body with the warm and lulling arms of friendship that fill me with a love that is close to godly. i would do anything like sew my eyes shut and drown in pills just so i can see my friends for one warm minute again. yes, again. please dear god, again. to be held, to laugh, and to be understood again. nobody understands how much i miss my queer friends and i would rather sleep forever than be awake and coping with the weathering truth that this connection has been broken. because every time i try to find something real, it has led to me to places where judgement and alienation is all this androgynous heart can feel. the queer friends from my dreams have never once judged me. not once have they made me limp away from disapproving glances, forsaken me in crowds of dismissing masses, it has only ever been in my dreams that i have been given these soothing beautiful chances. i am always to be seen as neutered and sexless, but not as paradisical and ethereal as god intended. perhaps i do moor myself to the glacial shores of my mind because i feel safe in the cold that is close to the coast but i must realize there is only so much healing i can do on my own. in freezing winters, one needs warmth from friendly bodies to hold so i will wrap myself and continue to hold on to a hope. of a day where i find my queer friends, a day where i won’t be nippingly alone.
S. Azrael
Request permission to use this poem