A documentation of my thoughts and feelings
by @LactoseIntollerantScorpio
Thursday, April 11th, 2019.
I have to stop getting my hopes up. Every sliver of attention that he shows me sends me into a whirl of happiness and excitement; until I remember his words that play over and over in my mind like a broken record. "If they're there, they're not apparent. I just don't see you like that right now. The rest of that conversation is muddled. Instead of the cold and numb feeling I'm used to getting when I hear things like that, my face flushes, I sweat, and I want to vomit. I get so hot. I'm sure it's because he's the only person on this earth that I care about. Thinking about other people and whether or not I care about them makes me cringe, and I would drop them off the face of the planet if it made him happy. But after his words replay for the hundredth time, I am left spiraling down. In a burning house filled with anxiety-ridden smoke that I inhale like oxygen. I shake, and the reality of how truly alone I am right now hits me. I don't get angry, and I don't feel "nothing," but I have an unpleasant and indescribable feeling for the rest of the day. Right now, I am in the process of the downward spiral. I'm thinking of whether or not I should leave my phone at home or take it to work. I'm sure it would only worsen my anxiety at work. I think it's the biggest reason why I'm panicking right now. I constantly check it for messages from him, and when there is none like I expected, I'm sent further into flight mode. It's happened a couple times at work, and then I'm driven to impulsively message him when all he wants is for me to leave him alone. I'm not furthering my chances with him when I do that. In fact, he's clarified that it weakens them. I think I'll send him my HP link and that's how he can check my thoughts or check in. I'm spineless, I know, but I'm going to try as hard as I can not to message him first or worry about him and what he's doing. I'd like him to come to me first so that I know I'm not bothering him or annoying him. (Even with our snapstreaks, I'd like him to send it first. I know that sounds dumb but still). I asked him if he wanted me to take him to get his hair cut. Then I thought about his green bag. How I ask him if he has everything before we leave to go somewhere. That boy from work came over last week, and before he left, I asked him the very same thing out of habit. It was strange and I hated it. In truth, I strongly dislike that boy. I hate everything about him. I don't ever want to think of that boy again. Or anyone else for that matter aside from the one person I actually genuinely like. Anyway, I fear that I'll never have to ask that question as often as I do again. I just crashed onto the floor of my burning house. I'm going to leave my phone here. If not, in my car when I get to work. I don't want to ruin my 0.002% chance of talking to the only person I can tolerate later. Instead, I'm bringing my journal with me. If I have thoughts, I'm going to write them down and document them on my HP page so if he wants to access them, he can have them. (Though, I'm not sure why he would want them anyway). Maybe reading what I'm thinking every now and again will be good for him. Maybe not..