1.
there are a thousand different ways to miss you.
i am trying to wrap my head around the fact that you wanted me once and you don’t anymore. i am trying to count all of the things inside me, trying to find something i wouldn’t give up to make you love me again. i am trying to figure out what to do with my hands, where to put useless things.
our love was a castle, a fortress i was ready to die to defend. i didn’t want a big clamoring of drums and cymbals, i didn’t want the trumpets and the fanfare. i just wanted you to believe in me.
i wish i could have known that the last time i kissed you was the last time. i wish i could have known i was saying goodbye.
2.
there is a long list of things that i don’t know how to forget. i am slamming all the doors and throwing rocks at the mirror, singing songs to the moon and ripping pictures off the wall; it’s clear i don’t know how to do this.
i’m not sure if i’m actually angry with you or if it just feels good to want something, to put my body in motion. either way, your necklace is in the trash and i can’t undo it. set the barn on fire, set the horses running free, break the windows while you’re at it. it won’t matter, it won’t feel as good as you want it to, and what’s the point of all the violence, anyway? there is nowhere to put the blame, so here it is, sitting in your hands, and you don’t know how to put it down.
3.
there is so much i want to say to you but i don’t know how to spit it past my teeth.
i’ve stopped waking up in the middle of the night, i’ve started being grateful for any small victory. i’m figuring out where everything fits, what to do with all of the parts of me you have touched. i am closing the books, i am shutting my dreams away in drawers, i am patiently waiting for everything to stop being so hard.
here i am at your feet. i didn’t know what to do with my love, so here it is, an offering. here are my hands, turned up at the wrists.
i don’t think i know how to want anyone else.