I only like boys when they're cruel and cold,
When their eyes linger longer, shameless and bold.
When they look where they shouldn't, when they laugh, when they pry,
Something electric ignites inside.
Two hours of sleep and a stomach of steam,
Coffee for blood and a feverish dream.
Shorts cut too high, skin shining like gold,
I walk through the city like I've never been told
That gravity's real.
I can't sit still.
My bones hum loud with a dangerous thrill.
I could leap from a rooftop and land with a grin,
The whole world is rotting, but I know I'll win.
The traffic lights glitter. The pavement sings.
I'm queen of the insects and goddess of kings.
My smile is a weapon, my body's divine,
Every head turns and every star aligns.
Look at me.
Look.
I am beautiful.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
The world ***** sure, but it doesn't matter.
I dance through the wreckage, I love the disaster.
My thoughts are fireworks, bright and obscene,
Everything glowing fluorescent green.
Then slowly
The colors go gray.
The glitter flakes off and blows away.
The neon dies out. The music grows thin.
The silence comes scratching beneath my skin.
Now they're staring again.
Why are they staring?
Did I say something wrong?
Am I walking strange?
Why are they laughing?
Why did everything change?
My head hurts.
The coffee turns bitter.
The room feels too loud.
My thoughts become sludge.
The lights form a shroud.
I am tired.
So tired.
A B on a math test.
I stare at the grade
Like a crack in the glass that can never be saved.
A B.
A ******* B.
I should be better.
What's happening to me?
My hands shake.
My chest aches.
I can't hold a thought long enough for it to stay.
He asks if I'm okay.
The concern in his voice
Feels sharp as a knife.
Like he's seeing the mess underneath all the light.
He asks if I'm okay.
And I tell him to **** off.
Because if I stop moving,
If I stop glowing,
If I stop chasing the spark
Then all that's left
Is the dark
The terrible dark.
And the memory of euphoria,
Leaving me behind.