Alone within my emotional wilderness

Alone within my emotional wilderness A reverie along memory lane when, this lviii sea sunned row man (stills paddles in oarlocks and serenely quizzically, lackadaisically, and harmoniously drifts) along the slip stream of time. Awash on his figurative manual navigated opportunistic prideful quintessential schooner reflects, regales, and revisits ebbing lapsed instances (fast receding into the past time, when psychological instability grounded fragile my self esteem (generated venting, steaming, and piping hot brickbats). As a newly minted harrumphing, grubbing, and floundering dada enmeshment (analogous to a fish caught in a net, hence quickly ricocheting, rabidly splashing, and sloppily thrashing) predicated my foray into das fatherhood. Aye experienced nearest approximation Bing battered, rammed, and torpedoed from glomming (par for the course riot ting heaps) necessarily imposed adult responsibility. Such metaphorical motoring across avast Battle Creek with no landfall in sight, this then nada so Grand Turk (key in the straw) Otto man continually snapped, cracked and popped. This human ping-pong fitbit part player papa felt akin to subjection re: thralldom). At this juncture in me cross currents of existence I can harken back to those most exhausting, fatiguing, and grueling endeavors. Hindsight offers this aging baby boomer the luxury to cast astern. Retrospective leisurely trawls along the shoals throes of fatherhood allow, enable and provide and opportunity to scrutinize per chance, where arises this on account of the empty nest syndrome. Ordinarily the wife (i.e. missus to appear more formal), would caw out my name nonstop…. ”Matt”…”Matt”…”Matt”…, but she opted to organize the cluster of assorted household items at the apart ment (located in Crum Lynne – Ridley Township), we hope to move within a fortnight. Thy spouse volunteered her own mini reprieve by setting order to the miscellaneous fixings gradually amassed, appropriated, and gifted thru out the twenty plus years of marriage, which hodgepodge of personal possessions downsized whence circumstance dictates evaluating goods having keepsake meaning versus anomaly of belongings to be unloaded, repurposed for someone else, or ordained as unworthy to schlep. Alone asper like a very brief sabbatical from marriage finds stillness amidst the white noise of the whirring fan. Thus, I sit here ruminating how to dredge up some idea for a poem, (non) fiction or essay. This husband became acclimated, conditioned, and em bossed with a mate a tete for two plus decades, whereby both thee dos delightful daughters on Track 742 heading west. Honest to dog, I miss the role of fatherhood when either off spring (with an age difference of approximately twenty five plus months) romped, scampered, and trotted as toddlers, and upon childhood, thy little girls found exultant excitement dashing higgledy- piggledy, hither and yon, to and fro across the playground as most glorious human indulgence. Despite the plaintive wail vis a vis Juliet saying goodnight to Romeo (…parting is such sweet sorrow) haint pleasurable atoll. Hitherto un known that during the most vexing, trying, and quaking bouts when both kin of thy loin fought like angry cats would there transpire the occasion of sincere tearfulness ululating vain warbling. Now a pang of nostalgia arises when I drive past their happy go lucky stomp ping turf, or reflect on answering the trumpet call to chauffer one or thee other to amusement park, play date, mall, favorite toy store such as Fivebelow, birthday party, et cetera. Even certain tunes recalled to mind and/or heard being broadcast across the audio logical spec trum a cause for moistened tear ducts. Wince with sadness also mixed with sigh lent bundled expostulations of joy. Both progeny metamorphosed into able bodied, minded and spirited lasses, whose attainment far exceeded any projections internally forecast. Initial onset of parent role found me all thumbs. Prior to begetting two darling dames, this chap spent disproportionate number of hours sequestered within some hide away, which frequently happened to be the designated bedroom at 324 Level Road, College Ville, Pennsylvania, 19010. Never did thee major rit tee days of mine life point to babysitting or working with that chronological demographics comprising the adoring blessed innocence, murmuring newborn obliviousness, that bespoke penultimate unsullied, utmost virtue necessitating interaction with tender infants beckoning being cradled, endearingly fondled, demonstrably easing fondness gripping heartstrings issue jetblue kinks. Aye felt pitched headlong into this foreign territory, and initially experienced utmost awkwardness when attending, pampering and pulling (albeit gently) upsy daisy, the nascent hint of autonomy. Remembrance and recollection of élan, joie de vivire, and yea those ear splitting threshold of pain screaming tantrums all boxed into tidy wholesome Zen announcing nuggets of greater meaningfulness and absolute value. The above long winded reverie intended and meant tubby a semi biography, but leave hit up to his hie n hiss, he went way overboard, and will give a one line summarization to describe his i.e. yours truly life sentence fate decreed. He (this Anglophile chipper chap lived under duress of extreme anxiety, obsessive/ compulsive behavior, panic attacks and essentially schizoid personality disorder for the greater part of his life and hard times, which raw bits would warrant fleshing out to extrapolate how these psychic pitfalls represented critical factors at various and sundry turning points in his life.

Request permission to use this poem

Written by

matthew-scott-harris2p

66 / M / schwenksville, penna

For You?

Explore

Hello PoetryVoting

Write