Leaving him - reason enough?

jana-b Poems

I have trouble expressing why I needed to leave him - reasons never seem enough. He’s not evil, my words seem so inadequate. But my whole soul cringes at the thought of going back. I can’t really say that out loud, can I? He lost capacity for emotion For year upon year Except for anger, withdrawal, resentment. And yet, he did his job, his duty. Lifelessly. A friend said, watching me try hold it all together was like watching me try to stop sand from slipping through my fingers. I tried and tried but it kept slipping away. broken promises, broken lives. Maybe if I did things differently Maybe if I was better Religious morals ring loud for good, for bad My vows felt like a trap He counted on them, relaxed after that. I didn’t count on the feelings The abandonment The bone sorrow Creeping upon me. I cannot express how they accumulated until I saw a ray, a tiny crack of love and Knowing that existed showed me I could never stay. My marriage was illuminated as bereft. I held a memory of that ray and needed to leave - both for survival and to give him back responsibility for his life. That was too much for me. But I look at my girls and I wish we were whole. No reason seems good enough.