#gethelp
My tears leak out today
The girls are they okay?
Beautiful little eyes and souls
Oh-my-loves I tried for you.
I try for you.
Behind the scenes,
you’ll know when you’re bigger
This dad of your dreams?
He’s new and designer.
He tries for you..
now.
Jun 25, 2021
Jun 25, 2021 at 9:22 AM UTC
Happy non-anniversary to you.
I marked it emotionally
but I forgot what the day was.
I marked it by
processing, tracking my progress;
taking a very rare breath to reflect.
I recognised the barriers still left,
looked at ways to overcome them.
You meant so much once,
and now I forget.
Happy non-anniversary
to me.
May 28, 2021
May 28, 2021 at 5:42 AM UTC
My (ex) mother in law says
She loves me,
she won’t say any more but
worries I’ll miss her boy
one day in the future.
I was his pride and joy.
My mother says
maybe the women of the past
tried harder.
Is there anything to rescue,
women must try harder than men.
I haven’t worried about missing him;
until now.
The relief has felt so liberating.
Relief from that pressure
to carry it all, do it all,
with a smile, without love.
A smile, a gesture, care my way
would have been fuel for a year,
but the silence felt suffocating.
I’d rather love myself
than smile and pretend that I’m loved
by the husband in my bed.
For our kids, for me, I’m better alone.
Now, though,
that worm in my ear.
Will I regret this more next year?
More than the grief of this family broken?
I cannot see that I will.
Joy is breaking through;
but —
What do I do with this worm?
Jan 27, 2021
Jan 27, 2021 at 5:43 AM UTC
Husband going back
To hospital
Suicidal
Mental health
Oh my god
Not again
Panicking
I broke free
But feel so guilty
Is it my fault?
They say not.
Couldn’t survive with him
Can he survive without me.
Dec 8, 2020
Dec 8, 2020 at 8:56 PM UTC
I have trouble expressing
why I needed to leave him -
reasons never seem enough.
He’s not evil,
my words seem so inadequate.
But my whole soul cringes at the thought
of going back.
I can’t really say that out loud, can I?
He lost capacity for emotion
For year upon year
Except for anger, withdrawal, resentment.
And yet, he did his job, his duty.
Lifelessly.
A friend said, watching me try hold it all together
was like watching me try to stop sand from
slipping through my fingers.
I tried and tried but it kept slipping away.
broken promises, broken lives.
Maybe if I did things differently
Maybe if I was better
Religious morals ring loud
for good, for bad
My vows felt like a trap
He counted on them, relaxed after that.
I didn’t count on the feelings
The abandonment
The bone sorrow
Creeping upon me.
I cannot express how
they accumulated until
I saw a ray, a tiny crack of love and
Knowing that existed showed me
I could never stay.
My marriage was illuminated as
bereft.
I held a memory of that ray
and needed to leave -
both for survival
and
to give him back responsibility for
his life.
That was too much for me.
But I look at my girls and I wish we were whole.
No reason seems good enough.
Dec 12, 2020
Dec 12, 2020 at 6:07 AM UTC
‘I’ve something to tell you...
I kissed someone else.’
‘You kissed someone else?!
That can’t be true, who?’
‘How could you not notice me,
you had many chances to see...
I don’t know what I want,
but this is honesty.’
He storms away, slamming door
out into the night. Then -
‘I’m sorry, your actions are yours but
it’s my fault you’re there...
please, I’ll get help, be your friend
I’ll get better, I swear...’
‘I love you’ says he
‘Why, truthfully?’
‘You’re so beautiful...
I don’t want to fail..’
But beautiful is a trophy, a conquest
and marriage isn’t a contest.
Actually, I now see
The kissing of someone else
was me, breaking free.
I’d broken long ago
his promises felt hollow
I was clutching at saving me.
My joy, our family, our life
all millstones to him,
burden and strife.
The endless trying, ideas and hope,
Fell on deaf ears - I was just the wife.
Then I stuck around, tried,
grief searing inside.
Let him touch me (excruciatingly)
give flowers and hold me...
but it was gone with old tides.
And simple jealousy tipped him?
Got to be kidding me.
Dec 7, 2020
Dec 7, 2020 at 6:03 AM UTC
I see the man
who is still my husband
many of the days.
Handover of children,
he looks so withdrawn.
He is hating on me
he looks to be suffering
I had to break free.
When we were together
nothing fulfilled him
or the hole in his soul.
I turned circus tricks
Look at that, look at this!
But any joy poured in
disappeared, black abyss.
I almost did too.
Dec 7, 2020
Dec 7, 2020 at 5:17 AM UTC
The advice was
'Support him,
try to help him.
He needs sleep when he’s tired
(even if it’s all day).'
'Try to talk to him,
he’s hurting inside.
Help him,
he needs you.'
I believed that,
and I tried.
I tried until
I felt almost gone
My words disappeared!
A glass pane formed
between myself and the world.
I didn't know
I could go too far.
Give too much support.
No-one says that,
who would have thought?
I didn’t know
support can become a crutch.
He could settle,
no need to improve.
Who would have thought?
Depression is real.
It just doesn’t mean
that you are first always,
or that you don't need to try
or talk to your spouse.
That was just -
taking advantage.
Nov 26, 2020
Nov 26, 2020 at 9:38 PM UTC
To Mia
You see I know this girl , I’ve known her for as long I can remember . Sometimes though for some reason ,Unknown to me, she makes appearance. For a while after she’s on my mind , constantly on my mind . It’s like she’s worked her way into every nerve every cell she’s there . I have to please her I’ve got to keep her happy. My mind is a machine , a machine with cogs and the cogs keep turning but when she’s around they’re on overdrive constantly worrying to point where I worry so much it makes me ill .
You see I know this girl , a girl called Mia.
I direct this at you.
The one that clings to my sides,
hangs off my clothes :Weighing me down
Like a tonne of sugar in my gut
Down .
Down .
I can’t stomach it any longer !
You stick to every ounce of my being, Creating a blinding hatred Spiralling
Down .
Down .
Down .
my appearance to the public eye now untrue to my reflection, I wont be added to your collection but the obsession to meet your expectations
is impulsive .
Addictive
destructive
empty swallows, hollow sorrows .
I crave it .
I need it .
you’ve infected every nerve .
I’m weak .
“hide yourself” , no one can see .
don’t stop yet
please stop
I can’t stop
nonstop
drop .
I’m frail , one more blow from you
And I’ll crumble .
Nothing but a bag of bones covered in an
Off white security blanket .
You have thinned my hair ,
Made my nails brittle ,
And my throat swell .
But still you’re attention
Is what I crave the most
I starve to please .
To please you .
I’m starving .
Oct 21, 2019
Oct 21, 2019 at 2:26 PM UTC
You’re not a quitter.
Where’s the fight in you girl?
You don’t give up.
You were never one to give up.
I know you’re tired.
I know you feel so weak.
But it’s not over. It’s never over until you say it’s over.
Keep fighting.
Keep pushing.
You love yourself.
You have to.
How can you expect anyone to love you, if you don’t?
You can’t.
So love that little girl.
Even when she’s weak,
even when she wants to give up,
even when she’s hurting,
because she’s worth it.
You’re worth it.
Remember, you can cry,
but only standing up.
Sep 28, 2019
Sep 28, 2019 at 4:03 PM UTC
Beautiful Flower
Golden, blue, and dark green
Captured in the vase
Nov 10, 2018
Nov 10, 2018 at 3:55 PM UTC
Lead
I wake up and my head is as heavy as lead
The bed is hugging me tightly
telling me that if I stay, ill be safe
The bed drown me comfortingly
with the tears that I've wept
Sting
My eyes sting from the lack of sleep
they sting like my tears are poison
I walk to school obstinately
because I know I am part of a hoard fo depressed children
trying not to succumb to the urge to **** themselves
before the gunman does that job for us
Black
While I'm writing my 3rd essay this week
a black cloud suffocates me
its smoke climbing its way into my airway
turning into ink as it enters my lungs
I walk around with the cloud
Cry
I am trying to keep myself together
when we get a division problem
a simple equation that anyone could do
but I forget how to divide by 5
I feel the tears crawling from my chest
I start to feel like I cant breath
I choke down the tears
Pills
I have to take pills now
they help
I'm not ashamed of it
though I'm scared
I'm scared that if I run out
I'm going to hurt myself...
But I won't. I need to have confidence in myself
Please seek help
Feb 21, 2018
Feb 21, 2018 at 6:43 PM UTC
Strike the lighter-
It only burns a bit.
Get the needle-
Press it to your skin.
Tell yourself-
"Never again."
But you always give in.
Porcelain skin.
White as snow.
Wounds that easily show.
Polluted skin.
Littered in shame.
Riddled in pain.
Cover it up.
Conceal the hurt.
Jan 14, 2018
Jan 14, 2018 at 11:25 PM UTC
please put the blade down, put the alcohol down, put the pills back in the bottle, put the rope back in the garage, put the belt back on the rack, put the gun back in the safe, and throw that note away. instead, pick up the phone and call someone you love, pick up the pen and paper and write how you feel, call 1-800-273-8255, cry it out, punch a pillow, go hug your parents. because let me tell you, as tempting as it is, death is not the answer. you may think you're doing everyone a favor; you may think everyone is better off, but honey that's just not true. your friends will search for you in everyone new they meet, they will search for a laugh that sounds like yours or a joke that sounds like one you would tell or a personality that even slightly resembles yours, in hopes to catch a glimpse of you. they will think of you during the day and will dream of you at night. they will think of every single thing you have ever said to them and wonder what they missed, what they could have done better and why things are as ****** up as they are. your mom will be completely broken. every piece of her heart will be scattered along, all over the place. your dad will shut down emotionally, wondering what more he could've taught you and wondering if he was really that bad of a father. please understand you will break more hearts than you think youd be saving. losing you will put clouds over peoples heads and bitterness and grief in their hearts. please, do not do it. do not take away the most precious thing you own. your life. please. you are worth so much more. someone out there loves you.
Jan 8, 2018
Jan 8, 2018 at 5:33 PM UTC
See me?
Truly see me?
Past my eyes that feign innocence
and past my smile that feign happiness?
Would you see me?
That I decaying in my body.
In my prime, my youth?
See how fear eats away at me.
See how depression has chained me.
See how my white mask falls and
and bare witness to the fact
That I was never okay.
Nov 7, 2017
Nov 7, 2017 at 6:51 AM UTC
I wake up with a stabbing pain,
I force myself to wake up from this nightmare,
and when I finally look in the mirror...
"Wait, what? How did that happen?"
There's violet and crimson marks on me.
They're encapsulating me,
making me feel like I deserved this,
and I did.
The shrinks in their ivory towers tell you
To not be afraid,
Stand up for yourself,
Show them what you're made of, and to
Never back down.
I'm pinned to the floor,
and my legs are paralyzed.
I was left in a puddle of my own pulpy, ****** mess.
and it's my fault.
His voice echoes in my mind.
"Maybe if you didn't act this way, I wouldn't do this,
You're a terrible person and I feel sorry for the people who think you're not. Nobody loves you. People would throw you out in the street if they knew what you've done."
That was the night that he took everything from me,
He took my freedom,
He took my ability to communicate,
He took everything from me,
And he doesn't know why.
Sometimes, I don't know why he does these things.
Isolation consumes me like cable news telecasters consume the minds of sheep, and everyone is programmed to think and act as if the world is coming to an end.
Everyone acts like a victim.
There's two parts to such an accusation;
Victimization
Survival
But, there's a third part that no one tells you about.
Coping mechanisms
I can't stand up for myself.
"You're worthless."
I can't show them what I'm made of.
"Nobody loves you."
Berating, belittling, and biting me with your words.
It shows more scars on me than your fists.
"Why do you do this to me?"
"You must not care about how I feel."
"Why are your crying? Are you pitying yourself?"
"Have you realized that what you've done is wrong?"
"When will you learn?"
I'm not your child.
I'm not your lover.
Make a safety plan,
Get out while you still can,
Don't blame yourself.
You have every right to react the way you want
When he's not treating you right.
Don't let him gaslight you.
You've been through this before.
Don't let him get to you.
You're better than that.
You
are
a
survivor.
Jun 4, 2017
Jun 4, 2017 at 4:13 PM UTC
Sip, sip, sip, is how it starts out
when you're feeling a little down.
Clug, clug, clug, is when it could end
when you're nearly about to drown.
Sad and depressed, motivates the hand
to delve into the cans in the fridge.
One by one, this helps you no?
By twelve I feel like slipping from a bridge.
"I'm a **** man, let's break out the Jack."
My body numb, the pain subsides away.
Emotions mean nothing, neither does life
I got in my car, and reversed out my driveway.
Not really knowing, where I would be going
my mind buried deep down in a hole.
Following the lines on the outskirt of town
they lied and took me head on in a pole.
When I was found, people couldn't believe,
the horrific picture they'd seen.
My parents never imagined, this day would come
they would suffer a funeral for their teen.
Jan 28, 2017
Jan 28, 2017 at 3:14 PM UTC
Dear friends and family,
Have you ever noticed the silence of the forest?
Not a sound penetrates these dense thickets of brown and green,
and when you walk you can feel the stillness,
the tranquillity and serene.
Footsteps stir the dust creating a blizzard, it stays when you progress,
even the earth's natural instinct is to dissolve back into nothing.
The forest light never shines, and come to think of it neither does mine,
because i've travelled deep enough in and there is no returning.
The fauna here is beautiful, so much life when there is death,
birds chirping out their sweet call as if begging for me to not end this nature walk,
and when I do I know they wont stop chirping, their life will go on,
as will you when you come to terms with what I've done.
I have to find the perfect spot and more than not a perfect place,
because when I leave this earth I want to give back to natures grace.
I will be a bird,
free to explore the next journey without the burden of the world.
I am ready, I want to fly with the assistance of my noose I wont have to stay alive.
Dear friends and family,
Have you ever noticed the stillness of the forest?
because I do not make a sound.
Apr 12, 2016
Apr 12, 2016 at 5:27 PM UTC
It's been a while now,
I'm not the same person from before.
I'm still alive somehow,
And I know that on the inside I'm torn.
This broken path has led me far,
Going down heavy-hearted.
My body leaves many scars,
But I'm better off from where I started.
I didn't know one could hurt so much,
Or hurt so many in the process.
If I had only knew that with just one touch,
I would ever be so thoughtless.
Apr 30, 2015
Apr 30, 2015 at 3:05 PM UTC
He whistles round the corner
it's that time of day.
The nine to five has ended
and now it's time to play.
His lunchbox in his pickup truck
had been equipped with more then food.
The liquor store was the next stop
but not the fix for his mood.
Come six o clock he's made it home
and had a chance to eat.
By eat I mean drink his ***
finally kicks back his feet.
Day three without a shower
because there's no one to impress.
Half the time wearing yesterdays clothes
forgetting to undress.
By seven he's watching Wheel of Fortune
screaming slurs at the TV.
Never guessing puzzles right
and finding need to disagree.
His phones been off the hook for days
beeping in the distance.
Come Jeopardy the urge is strong
with more and more persistence.
He grabs the bag of goodies
holds it in his hand.
Getting excited by just the feel
of the syringe and rubber band.
He's sweating now profusely
anxious with desire.
With nothing left to lose (but life)
again he plays with fire.
Aug 22, 2014
Aug 22, 2014 at 1:04 AM UTC