"No one will ever love you until you love yourself."
Its a phrase that's easy to believe is true,
but for people who suffer from depression,
its terrifying.
I mean, as the expression goes,
I have to love myself first,
before I can accept that others do.
But what if you can't stand the person in the mirror?
Depression is something that has been a fixed constant
for as long as I can remember,
as if it has hallowed out my bones
and created a home.
With every moment, every thought,
I feel this deep rooted pain,
a nagging presence,
second-guessing every minuscule detail.
My depression doesn't care
if I'm trying to enjoy myself.
It doesn't care if I'm surrounded by people
who constantly argue that its irrational.
I know its irrational, there isn't a day that goes by
that I don't wish with every fiber of my being that I could simply
turn it off.
Praying I can wake up one day and the nightmare will be over.
I am thankful I have friends around me
that are able to help juggle my mood inconsistencies
or draw a map that leads to a treasure of momentary
escape from this tight hold.
I cannot express my gratitude enough for those
wonderful human beings that express great hope
while I stumble down the darkest of paths,
unfortunately, most days, it isn't enough.
I have never once blamed anyone for that,
and I appreciate their efforts,
as well as I try and recognize the strain they are put through
as best as I can.
This thought process controls how I communicate.
I am constantly plagued by guilt,
knowing that my pain causes empathetic, pain-filled responses.
"I'm sorry", "I apologize" phrases as common as corn fields in Nebraska.
This guilt
stems from the fact that I hate
how my feelings, or me in general,
can cause so much pain in someone else.
Every day is a struggle. Constantly on edge,
bouncing between caring too much or not at all.
Afraid that the next thing will be the final push,
wondering when enough will be enough.
While I am quickly reminded over and over
how my friends are 100% in,
I am also quickly met, internally,
by a crippling doubt.