Jess - Hello Poetry

Jess Jun 2014

Why..

Why is it that every night I lay in bed feeling more numb than the night before.
Why is it that I feel the need to smoke just to clear my mind up a bit but realizing that I will always be alone.

Why is it that I hate myself so much but love others more than I really should.
Why is it that I'm always surrounded by people but yet feel so **** lonely.

Why is it that I try so hard to be a good friend but always end up being ignored and unwanted.
Why is it that I try to smile even on my hardest days but my emotions take over and the bags under my eyes appear bigger.

Why is it that I toss and turn in my bed at 4 in the morning craving someone's touch.
Why is it that I have so much love to give but in return I receive none.

Why? I don't know. This world has infinite unanswered questions.
But what I do know is if I had someone to love, and be loved in return, then I probably would not feel this way.

So for now I'll continue my smoking habits to get high and I'll continue to miss someone who's not here.
I'll continue to waste my days waiting for serendipity to appear.

Jess May 2014

Goodbye April.. Goodbye August.

The month of April is over.
Emotions of gladness take over.

You see, the reason why I hate April is because that was the month I fell in love.
2 years ago.
Possibly the worst mistake I could've made.
& I have not been in a relationship since.

So from now on a part of me is going to break a little more when the month of April comes around every year.
Hoping that every year I break a little less.
But I'm not going to break as bad as I am in August.

You see, the reason why I hate August is because that was the month that everything fell apart.
2 years ago.
Possibly the absolute worst feeling in the entire world.
& I have not been in a relationship since.

In between April and August lies nothing but memories of the summer.
Memories of those rainy nights.
Memories of those sunny days.

Perhaps I wasn't in love with you, maybe just the thought of you gave me a euphoric feeling.
I don't know.
It's the middle of May & I miss being kissed,
& I crave touch.
But my heart is cold like the month of December,
& my head is tired, & the bags under my eyes are taking over my face.
I guess I'll let the winds of June kiss my face & satisfy my craving for touch because I know I will never get to kiss you again in this lifetime.
So goodbye April, goodbye August & goodbye to love.
Last but not least..
Goodbye to you.

Jess May 2014

Energy.

In physics they taught me energy cannot be destroyed. Energy always has to go somewhere.
So I guess now I understand why I'm so tired all the time.
You took away all of my energy I once had in me.
When I was with you, you transmitted atoms of energy to me, or at least I thought so because I swear to god that I could feel it in the way my face would lay on your bare chest.
Now that you're gone, all of my energy has gone with you.
Somehow I was able to relinquish all of my energy to you, although now I know you never deserved it.
2 years later here I am,
tired,
nostalgic,
suicidal,
and depressed.
Hoping that perhaps someday I can figure out a formula of physics for which I will be able to acquire my energy back from you without hurting anyone like you hurt me.

Jess Apr 2014

You're right.

You said it's just rain..
I said no, its the angels crying from above trying to wash off all of the dirt from the outside of the window pane.
You said it's just rain.

You said it's just the sun..
I said no, its a bundle of hot energy shining its rays of sunshine through the glass windows to make your skin glow.
You said it's just the sun.

You said it's just the moon..
I said no, its a luminous planet that knows the night's secrets & yet still returns every night to guide us back home.
You said its just the moon.

You said it's just the wind..
I said no, its a breath of fresh air moving through your clothes and tangling in between my hair & dancing with the wind chimes.
You said it's just the wind.

You said you missed me..
I said no, I miss you more like the waves miss the shore. I miss you more like the stars lost in the void.
You said you missed me.

I said I love you..
You stayed quiet.
There was nothing left to say but stare blankly into your eyes and say, you're right.
It is just rain.
It is just the sun.
It is just the moon.
It is just the wind.
& its true, I will always miss you more.

Jess Apr 2014

You are my..

Looking at your aura is more fascinating than traveling up to Alaska to watch the aurora borealis glow.
Looking into your eyes in more fascinating than learning about the galaxies and how stardust forms.

Taking a glimpse into your soul is more beautiful than sitting on the beach in Mexico watching the luminous sunrise.
Taking a glimpse of your smile is more beautiful than meditating in the wild for my body to energize.

Touching your lips is more mesmerizing than laying in a meadow of flowers in the middle of June.
Touching your skin is more mesmerizing than sitting on a roof at 2:16 a.m. looking at the full moon.

You are my aurora borealis,
my galaxy and stardust,
my sunrise,
my meditation,
my meadow of flowers,
my full moon.

And I hope one day I have the courage to tell you..

Jess Apr 2014

Sin.

Haunted by the feeling of emptiness and the thoughts in my head
End it all, end it all, end it all, they said
Feeling soulless and feeling dead
You'll find all my secrets written on my hand

Every scar has a story hidden underneath
But don't get to close to me, for you will not be able to breathe

I want the taste of your deadly lips on mine again
Thinking about you so much is a sin
A sin that is not forgiving
A sin that is deadly

A sin, that's exactly what you are

People would rather fear you than understand you
But yet you understand me & I crave you

That's the beauty of death.

Jess Apr 2014

Awful.

How awful it is to lay numb on your bed late at night & think about someone who isn't thinking about you.
How awful it is to dream about someone but wake up alone.
How awful it is to remember everything about someone who doesn't even remember your name.
How awful it is to write about someone who never wrote about you.
Awful, that's how it feels.
Wasted time, wasted years.
How awful it is to sit here and type your name but hitting the backspace button because typing your name gets me nowhere.
This poem is getting me nowhere, and that's an awful feeling.
But it is not as awful as thinking about you.