I feel their hatred, their lack of support
Their understanding that everything I’m doing is destroying, and I’m running out of things to break.
Everything I know, I feel is running down my back.
Away from my head, off my body, to you.
Tearing at your skin like some dastardly insect.
I can’t expect this to go on forever, I know it won’t.
Soon enough, I’ll lose you.
And once I lose you, they’ll see me for myself like you will.
A disgusting, obtrusive monster.
And I’ll lose them too.
And then I’ll be alone in this castle of emotions and hatred.
Fearing the crumbling down of it all as I rip, tear at the thin supports that remain.
All because I just can’t seem to keep my temper.

I’m so tired of feeling like **** for not doing me.
So *******.
I’ll call them films instead of movies and say all of my ******* opinions.
I’ll play like **** until I can play better.
I’ll make the jokes I think are funny.
I’ll wear what I want and look how I want.
I’ll make what I want, how I want, when I want.
And I’m gonna be proud of it.

You’re so bitter when wronged
Yet you so easily forgive

I can’t decide if it’s unbelievable strength
Or a justified weakness

To selflessly bear all of the blame
So much so that it causes a further descent into destabilization

You can’t seem to decide on whether or not you’d like to move on in hatred
Or keep dreaming, hopelessly lost in forgiveness

They don’t deserve you, I certainly don’t
You give so much, and you seem to not understand just how little of your debts will come even close to being repaid

being funny means everything to me.
but i cant be.

You seem persistent on closing yourself off
In that little glass box you claim to despise
It’s not there, I promise
The only thing keeping you away is yourself
I don’t know why you’re being so stubborn
If you’d just let me in, I could help you be whole
Please.

Summers changed for me, now that it’s real. So many great things are going on but I can’t help but focus on the negatives. My family is at each other’s throats, I’m torn between friends and enemies. I wake up and stay in my room for hours, waiting for the next day to roll by. I stuff my face and watch as my self image grows worse and do nothing to fix it. I can’t wait for school. I’m terrified of school. My anger is taking over. Little things terrify me, and all I want to do is hurt. I convince myself I’m in the right. I know better than that. I can’t seem to do things right. As for her, lately I’m only hurting her. I’m having issues putting my feelings into words, being calm. I spend most of my time scaring her or starting arguments that aren’t needed, that only hurt me. It’s no wonder she’s gravitating towards him. I’m losing her. All my friends are jumbled, I feel like everything and everyone is falling to pieces in front of me. It’s like cupping water in your hands, you don’t know how but somewhere theres a hole and everything’s leaking through. It’s the worst I’ve felt in a long time and it all hit me today. I’m sorry, to everyone. I’m trying my best, really. I won’t pretend that I’m changing or that I’m going to change. Just don’t leave me.

Now I can’t trust you.

I don’t hate you
Not in the slightest
In fact I miss you

I miss the movie filled sleep-overs
I miss the comedy bits that were ours together, like the ones that you and your brother have now
I miss playing music near you, without the fear of judgement or envy of your own skill
I miss the long talks about our lives, our aspirations, our friends
I miss when we were best friends, when we were brothers
I think I played with your heart in ways that I didn’t mean to do
I think we both lost things that made us click so well
I’m not exactly sure what they were
But I’m hoping, praying, that maybe we can get them back
After all, summer finally came
I love you

When your breaths grow shorter
I’ll tear a hole in your throat
When you grow tired of my voice
I’ll cut your ears and sew you new ones
When your bright eyes run blurry with tears
I’ll take fire to your face until you can see clearly again
I’ll always be here for you
And you’ll always be here for me

It’s difficult to put into words
How much I care for you
How happy your smile makes me
How a phone call of pure silence means so much
How much I appreciate your attempts to improve yourself
How your tiny singing voice rings in my head for hours
How your strength pushes me to improve my own
How all of your little jokes and teases warm my heart
How little everything else matters when I’m with you
Which is why your worrying makes me even more ashamed to be speechless
And instills the same feelings in me

you’re only hurting yourself

I wonder if you’re just afraid of me being happy
So you tear and beat at the things that I care about the most
Not this time.

Dear Rissy-
You are loved, you are intelligent, you are funny
I can’t think of someone more caring and patient than you
Dear Rissy-
Your family, your friends, your past choices;
None of those define you unless you let them
The only thing that should truly matter is you, the real you
Dear Rissy-
You are so strong, often at your own expense
When you look in the mirror you see a morsel, someone who only allows themself to get knocked down
When I look at you, I see someone strong, independent
Fighting the ghosts of their past and their present, and the reality of their own irrational insecurities all at once
You’re constantly fighting the battle, but eventually you’ll have to realize that there’s some things you just can’t do alone
Dear Rissy-
You are so beautiful.
Every single part of you, inside and out
Your capacity for love and compassion shows no bounds, and the sight of you palettes those attributes astonishingly
I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, the way everyone does
Dear Rissy-
I’m not going to let you go.
I’ve made similar mistakes with you before, and my return was one of the greatest blessings I’ve ever recieved
I’ll be here always until you tell me it’s time to leave
Until then, I’ll be here to help every step of the way
Some may call it controlling, some may call it parenting
And I see where they come from
But know that everything I do is to have your back

Love, Charlie

Its funny how a single notion of you can make my day
Its not as though you ever intend to, or that you even care that you do
But the very idea of you brings such a warm tickly feeling and smile to my face, You’re one of the few things that makes me comfortable being happy

Sometimes I chide myself for being so vulnerable to someone so daring
I catch myself staring, taking in your eyes, your smile,
And most of all that ever-present contagious light that you worry so much is overbearing
It makes it even harder to see when that light dims down

I want to be able to fuel you, in the way that so few can do for you
Forgive me, I’m trying my best
For all the bads, I promise I’ll give you all the good I canYeah

I’m not me
Or maybe I just wish I wasn’t

Sometimes I’m afraid
That I’m worse than what I say I am
The thing that you swear I’m not
I think I’ve convinced you to think I deserve your support no matter what they say

No.

“Convinced” is too forgiving
I forced you to hurt yourself for me, scaring you so many times that you no longer knew what it was like to have a second opinion
I just wish I’d known what I was doing to you

If you’re the one that’s so concerned about the world ending
Why are you trying so hard to bring it to it’s knees?

i cant seem to make anything good of myself
my sources are depleted
why does everything have to mean so much
everything i do is about trying to prove everyone wrong when i know theyre right
you cant keep turning against me and then saying you care
i dont believe you anymore
its everyone or its me
i want to disappear

It’s most apparent to me now more than ever
That Death is always busy
He comes in many different forms
Sometimes he’s a surprise, sneaking his way into life and striking when you’re least prepared
Sometimes he gives you a choice, leaving time to reflect but also the guilt of playing god when you’re not ready
It’s hard to accept, and even harder to see in the ones you love
But it’s important to remember that Death cowers in the face of Life
The memories that you make, the emotions you share prevent Him from taking everything
As long as you keep them in your mind and your hearts, Death hasn’t won
And everyone else is here to help you forget the rest

“You deserve this.”
A statement that crosses my mind not commonly
But always occurs at the most innapropriate of times
How is it that I don’t owe you anything, and yet you owe me so much?
Certainly since I’ve given so much in the past, I may call in my debts now
Is that not how these things work?
I know the answer.
So why is it so hard to say
“You do not deserve this.”

Why is it that my emotions are so easily described in the words of others?
Can I not rely on myself to relate to my own consciousness?
Or is it more that I adapt more kindly to the feelings of others, rather than facing what is truly mine?

It’s hard.
It’s hard to see these things as “fair” when they don’t go the way you like
Maybe, even if its something you want more than anything, it’s just not time, or it wasn’t meant to be at all
And although one outcome may tear you apart, it may tie others back together
Im trying my best to think about the others
It’s hard.
But I’m trying.

It’s hard to write when you’re bulk dumping everything in your brain
I want so badly to pour my emotions into this little place and leave them all behind
But my brain won’t let me
Instead, my thoughts beat down, so dense I can almost reach out and grab them
I keep getting these questions in my head that I know the answer to
And they all start with “Why?”
Why can’t I have my control?

I want it back.

Its terrifying to me,
the difference between night and day
The stark realization that these impossibly similar places are not the same
The day is beautiful, pure, and warm
However the night is cold and desolate
It wants you to think it’s beautiful, but it knows that it’s only wonders are the hope that it will pass swiftly, and day will soon return