“You deserve this.”
A statement that crosses my mind not commonly
But always occurs at the most innapropriate of times
How is it that I don’t owe you anything, and yet you owe me so much?
Certainly since I’ve given so much in the past, I may call in my debts now
Is that not how these things work?
I know the answer.
So why is it so hard to say
“You do not deserve this.”

Why is it that my emotions are so easily described in the words of others?
Can I not rely on myself to relate to my own consciousness?
Or is it more that I adapt more kindly to the feelings of others, rather than facing what is truly mine?

It’s hard.
It’s hard to see these things as “fair” when they don’t go the way you like
Maybe, even if its something you want more than anything, it’s just not time, or it wasn’t meant to be at all
And although one outcome may tear you apart, it may tie others back together
Im trying my best to think about the others
It’s hard.
But I’m trying.

It’s hard to write when you’re bulk dumping everything in your brain
I want so badly to pour my emotions into this little place and leave them all behind
But my brain won’t let me
Instead, my thoughts beat down, so dense I can almost reach out and grab them
I keep getting these questions in my head that I know the answer to
And they all start with “Why?”
Why can’t I have my control?

I want it back.

Its terrifying to me,
the difference between night and day
The stark realization that these impossibly similar places are not the same
The day is beautiful, pure, and warm
However the night is cold and desolate
It wants you to think it’s beautiful, but it knows that it’s only wonders are the hope that it will pass swiftly, and day will soon return