i know
you know
all the ****** things about me
but i want to take the time
to tell you thank you
for ignoring them
or loving them
or whatever it is
you do to me

you know i can
hear you singing
those sad songs
through the wall

To grieve over death

is one thing

But to smell death

To stand in the room

Where death goes once its dead

And see the eye cups

That are placed so the eyes don’t sink but seal

with adhesives.

The tools that cut the arteries

And the smell of the

formaldehyde that replaces

the blood that’s drained

And the small, clean blade that cuts the navel

And the garbage bag that reeks of

the stomach and intestines that get pumped out

Assortments of makeup that

Could cover bruises and burns

Or a blue or yellow face

All in this tiny, cold room

Where the lifeless go

When their vessel is wrought

i keep a map in my mental
of where not to go
roads that i've traveled
that nobody knows
and i swear to myself
that i'll never return
while i sit in my bedrom
and watch map edges burn
with a lighter from when i was younger

you came and picked me up

and paid for a movie

i got us some candy

that guy who fell asleep and was snoring 20 minutes in made us laugh

it wasn’t as funny when we were left to wake him up at the end

and thought he was dead

i was glad you didn’t try to hold my hand or anything funny

we had a slight disagreement in the car on the way home

and you grabbed me and kissed my cheek and

i kind of just collapsed into you for a few minutes and

listened to the song that was playing

and the thoughts in my head stopped dancing for a bit

because they didn’t want to slow dance,

they just wanted a friend to sit with

i’m sitting in this undergroundish coffee shop right now

and pretending i’m some lonely kid

with all the other lonely kids in here

that are just pretending to be lonely

and it can be addicting but

this beautiful girl with curly, auburn hair is singing the blues

in a red dress and playing the keys

and drowning out any conversation i attempt to have

but i’m okay with it

even if my coffees a little cold from staring at her too long

and man,

i’ve shared so many books with these people

to make them feel better

cuz they made me feel better

and i’ll never get them back

but i feel happy anyway