You always meant the world to me ....even if I didn't show it....*** I wanted you from the moment we met and deep down u know it.
You said you cant "say it", well im the opposite of that..i can "say it "but im scared to "show it" .. *** what if  I do something dumb and blow it?
There isn't anything I wouldn't do to have u back in my life....but I don't think you want me in ur life  especially since you already pretty much  have a "wife"...
it hurts so bad it feels worse then being cut with  a knife.
I want to just talk to u....*** I so badly miss u....I think it will even matter....but you've always been the one....that's why before we meet my soul knew when we connected  of fb that we weren't just 2 people talking....Ive talked to  a few guys here and there....had no connection with even one of them....but with u.....I cant even get u outta my mind. I was looking for u too but not like Sherlock....(maybe a sure lick but not a Sherlock...lol)  or how some look for others....but I was looking for you,,,*** there was something about u that had some major hold on me.....then when u left me on fb I knew u were on twitter and I was on there a few times before that  but once u left I was addicted to it.  I was watching your movments....at first I was anaylising(I know its spelled wrong and I don't care....its to know one so why would I give a **** if its correct.) the things that were said and if certain words you used more then others  also you  spoke like a knight would at times and say things that only "knights" of the round table kind of guys say.... im not going to tell you *** then youd know. or I was watching the content of which the words were worded and the types of ords you used. if your punctuation was perfect every time. also the typos if any or not *** when u are on fb and instant msg someone its fast and u cant proof it before sending. so u made basicly none but you did on few things and ive always remembered them... I watches what words you said or used the most....things you would say every time...because were connected for some reason. You know its true but you for some reason don't want to let yourself feel real love....or are scared of it...how did u ever get her if your always in fear of everything...? I don't know why you  don't want to let urself feel these feeling and keep fighting it.....I don't know why.....*** I can feel all of this....like u have 4 or more people inside u and they are the ones whos fighting u....its one against like 3 or 4 others.....as if your my angel and the others are the devil.....
*** I learned that you had many many various accts...womans , kids,  men , boys, kids in high school, teen girls who cut, many others ....from other countries....those were all my favs.....but the one the MAIN one (was Be_N....) was a farm animal...I couldn't not go one twitter and see what he said.....*** I was in need of closure....   I was also convinced I could win u back becus we had a weird connection....and it was lust or anythg stupid like that....its is *** we were suppose to be together....why do u think I was honest from the gate....I told u I cared and have love in my heart for u but I was in love with "him" and would point to the computer.......
my point is you know ive always wanted u and if you cant see that.....then im lost and have no idea what to do.....*** all I know is....for all eternity I will be loving u.

You are on my mind all the time.... I want to talk to u so can you make some time?
If you ever cared...then please do this for me....
You know im weak and I need to know so I can either continue or just let it be.

I miss reading when I first awake each day "good morning **** mama" with a little smiley face. I didn't know I'd be so sad without seeing that little face.
I miss seeing kissy face too. I didn't realize it would be so hard without you.
I miss our pointless little talks, I know that they weren't about much but were special either way. I'd give anything to have it back each day.
I miss your calm and caring way you'd try and calm me down whether upset at my mom or Lauren you'd always know what to say to turn that frown back up from upside down.
I miss kissing you, that so very much! I never knew Id like anyone this way, to where I feel lonely without your touch.
I miss sitting beside you and laughing along with you. You never realize how good laughter can be good for your soul. Not being with you is really taking its toll.
I even miss you patting me on my ****. Yes, its annoying when you wiggle me but your just alittle nut.
What I miss the most is how happy you made me feel. When I would see you , all my  worries and troubles become petty and one touch from you is surreal.
Once I met you all the crap that I've dealt with didn't even matter, because just being with you makes my heart beat so much faster. I never knew that you'd be the one that I cant just forget about and walk away from. There's got to be a deeper reason for this to.
Yet for now all I know is that I really miss you.

Can't u understand that I want u as my man....and no one will do but u.??
I want to hug and kiss u each and every day....and go on walks and talk aboujt things whatever they may....
I want to hold u close and look deep into ur eyes.....and always tell u how much I love u and never show u the ottherwise.....
I want to take care u and treat u like a good woman would....if id known that u were he....wed still be together *** id love u as I should.
I seriouslly want to be with u fofever...and even after that when our souls go wherever.
U don't even know how much love I have and want to give to u.....I hope soon u will realise that and come and let me prove it to u.

who has met someone and they had such a strong connection that you change things about ur self.....
like from buying Michael Jackson stuff....I met you I told u I spent like 2000. on mj stuff...and u said I should cherish memories not materialistic items..
or how to spell certain words....or how to appreciate being with family even though they make u want to be high or drunk...
or to watch movies you wouldn't normally.....like ''DEARLY BELOVED'". Or to read long paragraphs on Ludwig Beethoven or that I need to read between lines and that taught me to anaylise (don't care) things people say so I could find u....
you taught me that I shouldn't always be so miserable and think bad things ,,,,,which made me watch closer ...*** I thought u were up to no good and u were....all kidding aside though....
You told me if my one boy kicks the other one in the {privates} crotch then if he ***'s right after it will make a lot of the pain go away...if it works I have no idea....but if I see that happen...I always think of what u say....
the main thing is.....u taught me how to love someone....and I never knew I was doing it wrong, but I was....*** no one has made me feel the way u do...but its over now *** u wont allow urself to love me....very sad...*** were our souls keeper and if my heart after 2 mos.....still feels like this then were suppose to be together...or something...I don't know...but I love u.

I think if we cant stop these feelings and emotions for each other....its *** we should be with each other or so to speak...
Its hard for me not talking to you.....*** I want to know about things since I care...Like how was your day and what did you do....but it doesn't matter now since were through.
Id like to know how you are since I miss you  like the moon would miss a star.
I hate that I start each day without my "K.P.B" saying to have a great day.  I miss all the little things that youd do......they may have been dumb or bothersome but I loved that you always said the sweet things u used to.
Sometimes I still hope u will call and or text me but then on twitr I see what you say in the "sad" acct.  I know that you wont since talking **** is what that's all about...
Why do say things like that? Don't you have any compassion for others? You should say it where It cant be seen....*** you do it on purpose and that just flat out mean..
I don't know why you want to act like you hate me and not have the feelings you do.....If we've been feeling like this for over 2 mos...theres a reason and you should accept it *** its gonna  haunt you.
I wish we could talk even just once more ....even if to say goodbye *** its wasn't handled properly before...
If you could only see inside my heart.,, youd know what we feel is real and that we are never to be apart.

My pretend smile hides a lot of my pain....so no one knows how much festers up inside...destoying my brain..,
It works well so know one knows all of what I hide.....sometomes it seeems like my whole world is about to colide.
Like tonight....I was twenty mins. Late to get home.....so I'm locked out..forced to spend the night inside my car all alone.
I don't get why she treats me so bad.....but if I even argue....I am told to be quiet *** I just make her always mad....which makes me sad *** I don't know why.....why do I even care or why so I even try...
Like today I steam cleaned the dinningroom floor.....its so much nicer now....no dog stains left on the carpet like before.
She didn't even say thanks or give me a hug......it bothers me when she treats me like this.....its reallhy starting to bug..
So for now I will fight back these tears wanting to fall.....can't let that.                                                       . happen...since its so cold out here.....teafrs will start but end up as ice sicles once they start to fall.

I have finally come to see that no matter what I do...or what I become my mom will still say its not good enough and im just some worthless ***.
She makes me feel like im worthless and a waste of human skin.....she keeps the depression inside of me churning and to regain my sanity for it will never ever win.
She doesn't even remember things as they have taken place....and when u explain your reasons why...she looks at you as if she may say.... "really?"  with that look on her face.
She doesn't try to understand you or take into consideration how u may feel.....its always just some brush it under the carpet and pretend were all happy and make it seem real.
But in the meantime its only doing more bad then any good.....parenting should automatically come with manuals so you know that what ur doing is what you should.
Ive been crying for hours tonight...*** the way I am treated by them~it just aint right....you don't treat one child different then the others.....like one set of rules for each ....its just absurd and if it was u being treated uncool ...youd want them to practice as they were to preach.
But not in this house ....they have different rules for each kid...which is complete ****....I never should have moved here like I did.
Being here has made me think a lot about suicide....its really bad if a persons worth had been\
suppressed by all the tears they they've cried.
I wish I could turn back the clock so I wasn't infact here....then maybe just maybe I could be given a little repair...since love in my heart from them .....hasn't ever really been there....

I don't care about you anymore...all I was to u was someone u could use as ur *****.
The problem is the only ***** is u.....why else would u prey on women the way u do???
U use them to satisfy ur own greed....*** the one who. Sleeps in the bed with u isn't fofilling all that u need...
Its too bad that ur so selfish and use others so u can bust a nut......try being truthful instead of a ******* lying ******* ****.
Its really sad that ur so ******* intelligent.....but u have no love in ur life.....even ur chick at home thinks u both have a life......only if she even knew who u really are.....
One day shell wake the **** up and finally see what a ******* dissrespectful lying looser mother ******* ******* ******* u really are....

I don't care about you anymore...all I was to u was someone u could use as ur *****.
The problem is the only ***** is u.....why else would u prey on women the way u do???
U use them to satisfy ur own greed....*** the one who. Sleeps in the bed with u isn't fofilling all that u need...
Its too bad that ur so selfish and use others so u can bust a nut......try being truthful instead of a ******* lying ******* ****.
Its really sad that ur so ******* intelligent.....but u have no love in ur life.....even ur chick at home thinks u both have a life......only if she even knew who u really are.....
One day shell wake the **** up and finally see what a ******* dissrespectful lying looser mother ******* ******* ******* u really are....

This situation has gotten me to see how wrong I was treating you, just so distastefully. I've stopped doing the bad things that I was doing and also stopped using that bad stuff I was using. Its been 36 days now and will be more. I want to share this with you *** Im not like before.  

Since Im getting better with the pass of each new day.. I'd like you to see it and then maybe you'll stay. When your on mind altering substances or drinking your life away you say and do things that you normally would never say. People don't need that kind of abuse, and if you say "no" I  will understand since I was just a muse. I never meant to treat you so terribly foul. Id take it all back if I possibly knew how.

If you loved me and wasn't able to say it,... if that was even somewhat true then you can still love me especially after all of this time and what we've gone through. Your worth it to me since your the one I want and I will forever be true.

There has never been another man that can compare to you. I have always wanted you  from the very start when you would make up little stories that captured my heart. I have always had a strong connection with only you and I hope that you have that feeling inside too.


I want to love you forever and always be by your side..theres nothing I will keep from you...I have nothing to hide. I want to start out fresh and forget all that's gone on...if were meant to be togetherthis wont take too long.  Your my ultimate love, my one and only dream. Please let me show you im better and that I can love you unconditionally and never be mean. Please consider it and maybe give it a try...theres no other I will desire and yearn to be happy ever after unless your that guy.  <3

Pretend what you will~
Truth be told~
Why do u want to live like this~
When your getting kinda old?

You'll never find the love that you seek~
Your searching technique is pathetic and weak.

Just be honest with yourself and let your heart be free~
Deep down you know you were made for me.

I want you too I will admit~
But, I'm getting tired of waiting and am ready to quit!

I miss u so much and think of u too much.....I bet u don't even think of me at all. ...except to talk mean about....when even though all I long for is to be ur friend again....I miss u terribly...

I don't see how u can talk to someone off and on for over2 yrs and follow their every keystroke and see what and who they talk to and listen to them thru the speakers on the computer and if I didn't  cover the camera would be able to see us also.....and then see theyre on a dating site and either u had a profile already or made one up to meet me.  That is a lot of following and listening and reading their online happenings...only to meet them from the dating site.  Which how u even knew that id date you is odd unless u were just hoping.  I realized that when my brother died last year.....that was you I was talking to wasn't it???  Do you know how special that is to me and my heart? I didn't have anyone to help ,me thru that and you were there.  I wanted to thank you so very much. I don't see how u can do all these tracings of my actions and talk to me at the most horrific time of my life thus far and then not tell me that its you..... I will never under stand why u didn't tell me.... I so wished you would have *** the things would have turned out so much different. I just thought u were some dude who was a cheating pig....and wasn't thinking too serious about anythg *** I knew u wont leave "her". that's why I never asked u too and or even brought it up *** ive seen the shows where they say they'll leave but never do so why ask? but if id had known u were frozen heart and soule shawn I would have looked at things differently. I would have taken things and rearranged them to fit into my life better. I owe the person or man who talked to me and helped me get thru each day when john died a lot..... *** If it wasn't for u I don't think id been ok. Also If id known you were the holder of my heart and would have told me things instead of not saying much....it would have ended up in the way u wanted it to be. Not this way where I will be sad and ****** yet upset for not knowing u were the one who makes me happy *** to me you are perfect and perfect for me as well... God I miss u more then u will ever know,,, I wish I could hug and kiss u.... and sit and talk ....but its not gonna happen and it just makes me want to cry but I keep getting headaches when I cry....so I don't like to....     Im so grateful that I was with u for the year and a half we spent together.....wish it would have lasted for ever though instead...*** I wont ever stop wanting u....ILY!!!