The blanket of sorrow lay over me.
I’m comfortable here.
As I lay my head on the pillow of dispare,
I’m comfortable here.
Wrapped in the sheets of loss.
I’m comfortable here.
My bed has been made.
Here I will rest.

Thank you for giving me something so special, that it makes goodbye so hard.

Under the full moon
All I feel
Is an Abundance
Of
Gratefulness
An appreciation
For all that is
And all that will be
Love me under the full moon
And we shall love eachother for eternity
In all of our phases
Ends bring beginnings
But we shall conquer them together
She always comes back full
The waning never lasts forever

I’ve cried enough tears to fill an ocean.
I’ve slept as many hours
as they are fish in the sea.
I’ve felt enough pain to cause forest fires across the nation with just a blink.
All of this because I had to let you go. I feel as if the world has fallen out of orbit, the earth is becoming lifeless without you.

I’m barely surviving.

The world has started to freeze over, I’m losing all feeling except the one I feel for you. as my body is shutting down and the world is ending your name was the last to be spoken through the cold fog on my numbingly cold lips.

I have been tied to the stake with your love and then... I was set on fire by it. As I’m burning the pain doesn’t feel nearly as bad as when I watched you turn around and walk away.
I’m slowly burning.
Now my ashes are all that’s left of me and I am nothing and I am no one.

With a bottle in hand
She is propped on a windowsill
Her long white dress, billowing in the breeze
Her gaze full of
Dead dreams
Unfulfilled wishes
And never had kisses
Yet she doesn’t know this
She can’t see what we can
Maybe one day she will understand
That trying to find answers
At the bottom of a bottle
Will only keep you, Empty and ******.

First the darkness consumes you whole.
It’s not apart of you.
It is you.
Dismal and grim.

You are living within the darkness.
The darkness isn’t living within you.
Full corruption.

But time doesn’t stop.
The world keeps spinning.
You’re forced to make your laps or get left behind and only to be remembered as the worst version of yourself.
Dishonorable.

With time that darkness then becomes a shadow.
It no longer consumes you but it will never leave your side.
Learning to coexist without total consumption.
Acceptance.

“Are you drunk?”
No, I just feel everything too deeply
Then sometimes not at all
And never discreetly

I am tortured
And
Confused
My own agony is my muse

I view this life through a melancholic lens
     And though the world may love to
Numb & Pretend
I’ll be
******
Before I follow such a trend

So please darling
Do not be one to misinterpret
Nor allow this to be a deterrent
            
I am not drunk
I am simply just
A Poet

Anxiety sets in
Confusion triumphs
The mirror says
Sincerity
Authenticity
And
Beauty
Yet
The looking glass that is your eyes
Paint a different picture
Tell a different story
Your perception —
Shouldn’t mean this much to me.
Projection is a cruel tactic
I can’t take the theatrics
No longer will I be subjected to your contorted imagery
You must take a look into a mirror of your own and please I beg you to really see
You can still be loved
With all of your smears and scratches
Without dismantling all that another is
In which you wish
you saw in yourself
I promise you my friend
That is true bliss.

Clutching to your memory
has turned my heart into a ghost town
Vacant and empty
What a shame for a place
that used to be abundant and plenty

For the land is barren
The fruits of my labor
Withered and gone
For the streams have dried up
And my affection withdrawn

It is not your fault and actually anything but
You’re blameless for everything
Other than the crime of stealing the best pieces of my heart, leaving me with only
the most defective parts

But then comes a day  
A day I stop searching for it all
A day I stop comparing

I then make my bed
Comfortable
Wrapped in the blankets of absence, loss and…

By the miraculous work of God

I then awoke to a bed stripped bare
And he was firmly standing there
The one man daring enough to make a home in such a lifeless place has now bloomed fields of flowers in his wake.

Find what you love and let it **** you
I’d guess that’s the best way to go
Though we will never know
Love spares none
One would honestly have better chances
Staring into the barrel of a loaded gun

I lie awake at night
Recalling the faces of beautiful strangers
Creating scenarios and wondering
how many opportunities I’ve missed
Or
What would happen if fear was cast aside
and our hearts were free to persist

Could we have been lovers?
Or could they have been the thing
from which I never recover?

Was it a missed opportunity?
Or was I saved from
the possible and inevitable cruelties
of unknown yet enticing beauty

Why can’t I stop thinking of you?
When I know I don’t even cross that expansive mind nor am I a speckle in those green eyes.
You’re like a disease, a poison.
You came, you conquered and nothing is left besides the remnants of what you left me.
Some old cotton tee.
What the **** does this mean?
I’m not one to remember, reminisce or care.
No. I would never dare.
If that’s the case then how am I so afflicted.
You made one night feel like a lifetime —
How the **** did one encounter from a stranger leave me so contradicted?
It’s pathetic really,
I hate how I’m immortalizing you with these words but I need a release from this secret.
What else can I do?
I’m simply torn in two.

She is not a project
She is not to be reconstructed
Don’t intrude
Don’t be disruptive
The home she has made within herself has been built with her best interests in mind
One wrong step
And one may end up on a land mine.
There’s a war waged against her but she is certain victory will come every time.
The opposition may believe that
they have an unbreakable spirit  
They may shoot their bullets of infatuation
And slice with their swords of optimism
But this is her territory
where the rivers flow on her command
and she can manipulate the wind
with only a wave of her hand.
Don’t try to perceive or assume.
The terrain is unpredictable
and one may find themselves,
not so formidable.

She told me to keep
Writing
Fighting
Reaching
Reaching for my calling
My purpose
My impact
She made me believe
Oh I’m so ******* deserving
I will surpass expectations
I’m having major revelations
I have just begun
Everything before
Were the steps to access the door
I have turned the handle
I have stepped through the threshold
This is no gamble
But a true proclamation
An undying certainty of self.

All of it is my fault
All of it is my doing
If I wasn’t constantly set in the thought that

I’m not worthy

If I wasn’t constantly in a state of fearing
You’d be with me
You’d be mine
Yet instead it’s half past nine
And I’m no longer blind
But I’ve run out of time

There is beauty in the chaos
A particular grace in the roaring of waves

Mayhem
yet
Order

Harmony.

A torrent of emotions
Thrashing into me
Pulling me in

I may drown in it

The chaos may **** me

but it’ll be the most alive I’ve ever felt.

Baffled I am

I think I’m ******
I think I’m ******

The pain of this loss is unrelenting
The agony is never ending

My fate forever sealed
How could I ever think I’d heal

When your laugh still echos

And your presence still feels real

Stripped bare

Lost yet aware

Battling the confines of
Perception
And
Projection

My back covered in the lashes
Of what you expect of me
My blood
painting a picture
of who I will never be

Stripped bare

Lost yet aware

Skin reforming
You tried to mutilate and manipulate
But the scars are evidence of my warning

This is me transforming

Stripped bare of your limitation

This is liberation

She is not the woman that is to be just simply,
Conquered and not Kept.

She is the woman to be kept and not just simply…
but with extreme regard and not neglect.

She is the woman that should be honored.
Not Conquered.
A chance with her should never be squandered.
But instead she has to keep her heart armored.

She is not an object to be bartered.

She is the woman that should be
Honored not Conquered.

Solitude not isolation
Beautiful and comforting
like clean sheets and hot tea
Thriving in my own company

I’ve never known how to
Give a little
Of anything
Be less than
The most
For if Love was
Candlelight
I’d burn down the house with it
For if sadness was
A raindrop
I’d flood cities
For if anger was
A pebble
I’d cause an avalanche
I either feel
Nothing
Or
Everything
All at once
Or
Never at all

We fought for so much just for it all to be out of touch.

The memory of that feeling
is nothing but a phantom
Haunted and eerie
Elusive and weary

Always
Looming and creeping
Always
Leaving me weeping

The silence
Deafening
The lack of touch
Excruciating
The air
Thickening

My eyes deceiving me
My feet failing me
My breath leaving me

I need you
My pillar
My strength
My stability

But

You’re nothing but a memory
Your voice is only
a sound that goes bump in the night
And
Your touch impossible.

A crippling realization hits me

When they look into my eyes
How do they not see?
That they are vacant behind?

Yet another thing I’ve ruined
Another thing I allowed to slip through the cracks of my heart
Another thing she couldn’t sustain
due to her instability
What kind of home is that
Cracks in the foundation and leaks in the roof
It all could come crumbling down
within seconds
I think I would leave too
I can’t blame the previous tenants
for fleeing such a place
Hell if she didn’t reside inside me
If I could rip her out
I wouldn’t leave a ******* trace
I promise I’m doing you a favor
by not offering you to stay.

My heart and brain are at war and they are both slowly destroying me

Too real
Not real enough
Im a square peg
that can’t fit in the round hole
Sharper edges, more refined  
Torn between worlds

The feeling of missing something I’ve never known and may not even exist
Is this Delusion or impossible dreams
We will just have to wait
to see what the world deems

Like calls to like but nothing calls to me
Distinct, unique, and on the brink
I am the threshold
Which way does this unfold
I don’t fit into one mold
I’m tired of living a story untold

Yet to be fair that story is unfinished
Of love requited
Souls ignited
And all wrongs righted

But I can’t help but feel as if
in the mean time
I’m being punished
Hope demolished
My heart impoverished

Like I said I don’t fit into one mold
I am a square peg
that doesn’t fit into the round hole
I just wish to be Understood
and have a rightful home
In the mean time though
I’m so much better off alone

Her eyes were open wounds and as she sat there she was forced to consume,
to consume the images of her bleeding heart slowly yet furiously being ripped apart.

She couldn’t look away nor escape,
for the hands participating in this torture
were unique in their ability
to be the very ones to restore her.

He was both her ruination and her salvation, a fate that she has taken without hesitation.

She is at the point of no return and she’d willingly follow him straight to hell
even if it meant that she’d burn.

Cheap bottles of red,
they seem to be

My

Only

Friend.

If silence was music
She’d be the sound of a melancholic rain
pattering rhythmically on a widow pane
If silence was music
She’d be the sound of the in sync heartbeat
of two lovers embracing each other
tightly under the covers

As her lonely symphony
reverberates through me
I contemplate and reflect
in the pleasure and peacefulness
of my own company
Consumed in the comforting tune
I then come to the conclusion that
there is no feeling which I am truly immune

And what a wonderful revelation that truly is

Thank you silence, for you and I
   have become such great friends…

Imprisoned by your love
Bound by shackles made of gold
In a diamond encrusted cage
I have everything
Everything I could ever need
Except
Freedom
The freedom to be
Me
Instead of your dress up doll
Confined by
Your standards of what you insist upon me
Frilly dresses
Painted nails
Your pure little Angel
No room for mistake
And there is no escape

I miss sleeping next to someone
and not for the warmth of a body
or the simple need of company

For me It will never be that simple

but instead for
Complete Oneness

The synchronizing
of breath and heartbeats.

The connection
of souls and dreams.

I long for sleep
to bring me at the very least
A few hours of
Solace
Silence
A moment To
Slip out of the shackles
The shackles
That is
My mind
Yet
Like anything I seek
It does not return the need
Hunger
Despair
Forever grasping
Eyes closed
Darkness enveloped
Yet there is no solace
Yes
Silence
But the
Crippling kind
A silence that is so heavy within my mind
The weight I can not bear
I’m sick of feeling such hunger and despair

Yes, I’ve found comfort in the corner
where the shadows are thickest

I thrive in the loneliness of dawn
with my curtains drawn
I feel the most free
when darkness envelopes me

Many of these things that people fear,
have become what I hold most dear

I sleep soundly and weep for none
If there ever is one, I think I’d be undone.

Would I want to step away from my corner?
Could I keep the phantom of whom
I’ve built and found solace
or would I become a foreigner?
Could they love the darkest tones
or would they make me want to
brighten my world and clear all these bones?

What wondrous questions but the most important to be asked is:
Would I allow them in at all?