Words are beautiful,
Precious things.

Please, respect them.
Think of all the books
That have been banned,
All the hopes and dreams and fears
Silent, or just
Unexpressed
Because the language we had,
The language we have shaped,
Was not enough.

"u" is not "you."
"&" is not "and."
"your" is not "you're."

I understand, in the world of cell phones
Of impatience
We want to get to the next word,
Already.
But stop for a moment,
Savor the taste of you,
Think about all that the word
Could ever mean
To poets
To lovers
To loneliness.

It is so much more than a letter.
And although the world is profaned,
I beg of you,
As a writer,
As a person,
As words on a stark white background,
Profane no more.

I will keep pushing myself.
Keep going.
I will read Edmund Spenser,
Shakespeare, Wilde,
Shelley, Doyle, and CS Lewis
By the end of the summer.
You laugh.
Two weeks, one book a day, it isn't hard.
I only have four chapters of chemistry to finish,
Two chapters of AP Physics,
Four chapters of AP US history,
My personal reading list,
Four debate cases,
And a little light reading
(Judith Butler and Ayn Rand).
I WILL finish everything I have to do.
Refill the coffee ***.
I'll use more eyedrops.
Two weeks.
I will finish my summer homework.

Writing is all I do.
It is who I am, the dialogue
Spinning through my mind
Every moment of every day.
It is all I see.
My life in words.
But I have to write about things.
Stories, always stories.
That’s what you’re supposed to write
That’s what people read.
But why?
So much noise in a story.
The colors and the worlds
And the loud, loud people
That aren’t people, they’re just a waste
Of ink and paper and hope and love
And the stupid, stupid readers fall for it
And believe it’s somehow true
And it’s just so much noise.
My poems are my soul
What I really think
Said plainly,
No mouthpieces
No wasted love on those stupid things
The imposter people.
This is me.
Black and white.
Insecure.
Unsure and imperfect
But honest, always true.
Look.
Read.
Know, this is what I do, what I am
Born to write
And do it badly
Knowing no one cares.

Bleeding inside
Like a clock, each tick
A silent sob, converted to noise
Noise that isn’t sound
Isn’t important
All it is
Is relief from the silence.

We want to be loved
We want to be found.
Each of us, alone as we are,
Unique, longing to be the same,
Longing to be together.
We love each other,
Give all we have away
Fall in love with everything
We lay our desperate eyes on --
The hills, the sky, the sea
We forget the spin of the earth
And the scythe of the end
And the burning words has been
For a little while
Consumed in the beauty
Of a soft summer evening
Glowing in the palace of memory,
Locked away for safekeeping.
We are misers of happiness
We bargain for empty joy
All we are, fleeting
Hollow.
Echoing in the winds of time,
Singing and laughing
Silently.

We are unique.
We want to fit in.
To be inside, to be known.
And so we act like we are.
Like everything’s okay.
Like a little girl dresses up like a princess,
Because that’s what she wants to be.
And for a little while, we’re happy.
But then we have to grow up,
Then we have to change, and find
Something different.
But we want something that lasts
Through the years
Through the centuries and eons,
Because our immortal souls
Long for the solid horizon
Of this storm-tossed sea.

What keeps you here?
Why do you keep treading water,
Keep looking around,
Like a ship will come soaring out of the fog
To rescue you?
Do you want to be rescued?
Or is the silence of the summer day
Locked away inside you
Good enough?
Are you good enough?
Is that all you want to be?

I want to be known.
Knowing is not enough anymore
Anyone can know something, can look in.
I want to be inside
Accepted, held
To know what I’ve never known
To walk along a glassy shore
With one who loves me.
To be forgiven, always and completely
Forgiven what I am.

But I don’t know how to say it
It feels heavy and immaterial
Like the silence in between the words
When the words don’t say anything
But suddenly they have meaning.
Between the moments you’re
Totally immersed in the living world
With all those people
Suddenly you stop
Suddenly you’re alive
You breathe
And see
You’re not alone.

The Northern wind brings storm tonight
Stirring the clouds with veiled light
The lightning cracks upon the grey
And shatters the dim twilight away
Rolling in upon its wings
In throaty roar, the thunder sings
The voices of dragons, lost and old
Ring out tonight in freedom bold.

They play with wind, and play with rain
And dance upon its midnight strain
Rev'ling in its freedom high
Drunk upon their battle cry
They hover now, on whirling clouds
Behind their dusty, swollen shrouds
Tonight the storm upon the hill
Echoes the dragons' voice and will.

Is this all we are
Creatures destined
To fight, and die, bleeding from the wounds
Of battles long and weary
Taking up weapon after weapon
Just to get ahead
No matter how much they weigh us down --

Is this all we are?
Afraid?
A people terrified of their own nature
Of their own kind
And the world they have created?
Children, crying in the dark
Just to be heard
As though somehow that will make it better --

Is this all we have?
Our steel and iron
In the night around us,
Until the dawn of the end
Slowly replaces hate with wisdom
And anger with regret
Until we are old men dying alone?

Or is there more?




There is more.
There is light.
There is fire and blazing heat and glory.
Just look around.
We are right to be afraid --
Afraid of people, afraid of ourselves --
Because we blaze
With the power of immortality.
We are wrong to surrender.
Wrong to give in.
Let the fire of your soul shine out
In the cold and the dark
Feel the thrilling beat
Of your mortal heart
And your immortal soul
The flood of love and pain and joy
And the life that makes you alive.

Gravity
Is pulling down with all
The weight of dread and sleep
Is darkening the sky
And pushing us ever deeper.

Lightning
Rumbles in the ground
Grey behind the veil
Of the dark of rain and night
Flashing like bones against the sky.

Tonight, I cannot sleep.
Again.
I think about you, and what you want,
And I realize
I do not know you.
I never can,
Though I give my life to try.

Your love is like the lightning
Brilliant and furious
Veiled grey behind the fog of storm
Gives light to  the dark
And lights my valley, my home
Ablaze every August.
But it is dangerous to get too close.

People are never just people
Have you ever sat in a circle
With a group of acquaintances
You've known a few days --
You met at a camp, or a club, or a journey --
And stayed up all night?
Truth or dare, no holds barred, no limits
Besides the basic decency of humanity?

Have you ever
Done so many things you're ashamed of
And so many things you're proud of
In one night
That you have no idea what you feel?
Fear, the pounding thrill of breaking rules,
The sweet rebellion of being different,
The intoxication of belonging?
But mostly,
The love -- the broken
Brothers and sisters in your circle
Going from middle-school dares
To their family's secrets,
Their darkest fears,
And most poignant dreams
The sweet kiss of hello
Tinged with the bitter poison of goodbye.

I learned something tonight.
I learned that the "****" is funny and smart,
That the "goth" is brave and strong,
That I am beautiful.
Apparently.
I learned that people are afraid of being known
But they are even more afraid
Of being alone
And sooner or later, we have to trust someone.

You learn so much
When you break the rules.
I am sad. The night is almost over,
And morning tastes of farewell
To all the soulmates
I've only just met
The ten of us
Teenagers, in a dark room
With only a flashlight,
Defying the power of dawn
Defying fear and pain and regret
By refusing to say goodbye.
Not yet.
We have three hours left.
One. One-half.
Ten minutes. Five.
We will never say goodbye.

Padding feet upon the sand
Seeking out the trailing thread
Following the strange new land
Beyond the waters of the dead.

The oceans silent, cold and dark
Part for those who fear not harm
Gleaming stars, pale and stark
Lend their pallid, leading charm.

They pave the way for those to come
Show the lost souls where to go
Give light to those who have none
And curse the day in voices low.

Those who wander, those who fall
Brave enough to seek the shore
The wonders of this land enthrall
And capture with enchanting yore.

Dawn calls many home again;
I have just returned from there.
The land of bitter waters deep
Calls those with dirges dark to bear.

For the burdened, for the weak
The dark of sleep is always home
Ever returning, come to seek
The reprieve absent from the dawn.

Monsters crawl up from the shores
Storm-tossed skies betray the world
Born between the victim's sores
Far beyond horizons hurled.

This world I visit every night
And you may too, betrayed by fear
Trading horrors for your light
*The things we do, imprisoned here.

I have never held a hand
I have never kissed anyone.
I have never gone on a date
Or hugged someone
Not because they were my friend
(Or an eccentric great-aunt)
But because I wanted to.

I'm not ugly (I'd like to think)
I'm old enough to drive
And read Edmund Spenser
And apply for college.
Is something wrong with me?

To never be invited to share the world
Of teenager's deepest hopes and dreams
Never know that absolute sorrow
Alluded to by others
Never know that thrilling joy
Of being wanted.

I am independent.
Pure.
Alone.

I hold my viola cradled in my arm
Before a concert
Everyone breathes too fast
The lights glare, the conductor begins.

I roll out of bed at one in the afternoon
My old viola from sixth grade
Lying on top of its case
Begging to be played.

I pick it up every day. I don't know what I play,
I just play.
I make music out of my boredom,
Music that will never be recorded,
Songs that will never be heard again.

Every day, I see the odd instrument
I pick it up and begin.
I have nothing better to do. But mostly,
I don't want it to see it lying there,
Alone.

Your love is terrifying
It leaves me clinging to the earth
Dizzy, reeling with gravity
It leads me outside at midnight
To climb a mountain and watch the city
Sleep

Your power is thrilling
Your silence all-consuming
Your spirit a tongue of fire
Burning in my soul
I stepped upon the holy ground
Alone

Never alone, looking at the sky
Looking into your eyes
At two AM, in the rain
Being washed, being filled
Your call deafens me, I will follow you
Forever.

The ocean plunges, deep as death
Purging, hating, human breath
The ******* current licks upon
The sand, once gold as Avalon
Unsated tide that never rests
But in my unmoving chest
The aching ocean meets the shore
Stained with blood, demanding more,
Sharpens its pink coral knives
To shear from home our mortal lives
Not content to obey Fate
It must instead hold seperate
The earth and sky, the man and soul
Far from the land with deadly shoal
Rend from his precious love and home
Stretch into lonely unknown
Savor his hopeless, dying sighs!
Scorn the free, wide-open skies,
Strike his heart to burning core
And his echoes, nevermore
Shall carry over your grey waves
As you betray the heart that craves
The freedom of your blue embrace
And escape from mortal ways.

Grey and vast, it comes to me
The darkness of the flowing sea
Strong as storm, hard as stone
Dark as midnight, white as bone

The end of all, the finite shore
Gives birth to salty desert swells
Infinite as breathing sky
Earthbound as the turn of years

It screams, it scorns, its wrath outpours
It cradles, soothes, and lends a home
It is the end of all that was
It is the birth of something gone.

Ancient years mar not the deep;
Waves drown human sentiment
Flashing, pouring, burning tides
Know not peace or lenience

As sea aches for the shore, my love
So I reach evermore for you
Shroud of infinity, beware;
You fall short of the human soul.

For the eternal, I will strive
For the gold I've buried there
Across  paths of the shining sea
I will return, and find You there.

The piano weeps
Side by side
With the best friend in all the world
Caressing the keys
In harmony

The world dies down
In the dark
After crying for hours
Singing through the tears
Aging years tonight

Betrayal is sweet
Like salty rain
Like finding out who your friends are
Like the piano in the night
Like silence together

I can finally smile
Without feeling guilty
Thank you to the man who had courage
To face the ones he's hidden from
And make us all free.

I reread the books of my childhood
The ones about war and hope and bravery
And a gold ring
And fire.
How all that glitters is not gold
And all that is gold does not glitter.
Don't delve too deep, or beware
There may be a price
For all your treasure.
The Midas touch can change
So many things.
Roses were not meant to be gold
And a golden heart
Can't really beat at all.

The sunset paints the hills with gold
As summer fades the velvet green
And reminiscence takes a hold
On all that was, and might have been.

I am a child
Sleeping in a bed I don't belong in
Listening to the parents talk
About Stocks and Physics and Money and Future
And I hear how I must go to college
And be a scientist
Because that is what Good Kids do.

I am a student
Who confuses my teachers
Who loves learning and hates school
Who loves books  and not letters
Whose friends don't know her and who doesn't make new ones
And fades to the background
And observes from the outside.

I am a traveler
Who was accepted, once
Who walked the streets of Mexico and Germany and England and France
And then it was a dream
And I was at home
Where I didn't belong.

I was a daughter
Who didn't go to college
And saw strange sights and loved strange men
And confused my teachers
And left my parents
And made new friends
And learned about the whole world.

A world I didn't belong in.

But I decided
It's okay.

These are words I hope I never have to say
And words I hope you never hear.
I only wish I could be a better friend
The friend you deserve, the friend you need
Who would have the strength for both of us
And all the right words, and all the patience I lack
You are my friend, and few people understand
What that even means.
And I thank you.

I only wish I could have saved you.
You are not dead, but you are gone.
You have not given up, but you've fallen silent
Just the same. I wish I could hear you sing again. with
Innocent love and childish joy
Instead of a bitter tongue.

But the birds are silent and the snow is cold.
If all my blood could save you,
If I could take your burden -- scar for scar
With the same hand biting my flesh --
I would in a heartbeat. I would fight
And scream and die for you
If it could save you.

There is so much more than now in this world
And it all works to bring us apart.
I cannot fight time, or passion, or you
Nothing remains but the past as I remember it
And you forget it.

I still wish I could save you.
Take my blood, for it is all I have to give.
Take my love, for it is not mine to keep.
It does not matter who you are
It does not matter if you are smart enough
Pretty enough
Good enough
Don't you see, it doesn't matter -- I pray,
I pray, if there is nothing I can do
Let someone save you.
You were my friend.

Looking in from a foreign land,
I woke up today and cried
The sky was blue, the world was new
And a quiet song had died.

Watching the lovers spin and smile
I saw a world go by
They had what I'd never know
Drunk and flying high

The beautiful things, when you're alone
Are muffled by the world
Livers and lovers collide around
And banners are unfurled

I'm the old man on the park bench
I'm the woman on the street
I'm the zephyr in the Western wind
Faded and discreet.

Hello, good morning
I'm waking up again
And to the sun this time

Hello, stop mourning,
The rain-washed sky is new
And somehow it's all right