Happy birthday, Dad.
You're …. 54, 55, 56?
I think I'm still jealous that you get to share your birthday with the earth.
I think I'm still a little sad that I never asked you if you enjoyed that.
I don't know why I am talking about you like you're gone; when you're only 17 steps down the stairs in your arm chair with the news on your lap and a glass of indonesian tea on your  left.
I walked by you and you were standing there and I almost hugged you.
Almost.
You were proud that I listened to Etta James.
That made me beam but I didn't let you see it.
So many people take my light from me.
I think the only place that I can go to rekindle that light,
is the notion that maybe one day you won't be disappointed in me.
Or my lack of ability and motivation  in school.
Or my lack participation in this family.
Or the notion that I won't be scared of you, scared of everything anymore.
Scared of loving people and then putting too much of myself into that person because I don't know how to love properly.
I didn't even know how to breath properly.
I had to go to a doctor and they had to tell me to take deeper breaths because I wasn't getting enough air.
Ever.
My breaths were shallow, and guarded, and hesitant.
I have invested hope in the day I won't exercise for an hour and a half every day for a week straight until my body  can no longer function properly.
That I won't take a long shower, with water too hot and knees pulled up to my heaving chest.
Or maybe I won't drink too much and try to feel something with someone.
Or even stop tanning because I am literally burning from the inside out.
Maybe that way people will see how I truly feel on the inside.
Burnt out.
Tired, fatigued. Unworthy.

i don't know if you knew this but you deserve better.
you don't deserve the constant criticism.
if i remember correctly you have worked so hard to get where you are now.
you are the one who ran after the musician because you liked his shirt and stumbled to him to tell him that.
you have ripped tights because you fell too hard but didn't want to say goodbye to them
you like to be alone all too much, but it's okay.
you give yourself to people and feel selfish when you don't
you feel suffocated.
you are being suffocated.
if you're cold you pretend you are not
you should not
reluctantly hand yourself over
this isn't a  war you need to be a part of
this isn't a competition you need to win

silly string and laughter
4:45 in the morning
we watched the sun yawn and arise from it's slumber,
greeting the earth
surrounded by the smells of the lake and the **** exhalations.
25 degrees.
fog drifted aimlessly but so purposefully across the glassy water
6:50 A.M.
on the way to scrambled eggs, hash browns, and good people.
i'm 18 now.

physically ,we were so starkly contrasted it was almost laughable.
it was as if someone had designed us as opposites,
and set us next to each other just so we could feel each other's foreign glow.
conversation between us was stop and start…however,
the eye contact remained steady.
my eyes struggled to break his fixed stare.
i just wanted to look- to look at his expressions, his brown eyes.
our compatibility compartmentalized into two sections; enjoying each others company, with all the similarities and the attention we both craved
and secondly, with longing.

we sat in a waterless pool,
the shattered leaves gathered in disorder at its peeling concrete bottom.
the white walls laced with chaotic lines led us to believe that our feet had created those spidery veins reaching the length of the pool
a rufescent glow graced our cheeks and the chill was welcome so long as we sat side by side
it was comforting
sitting in a place that wasn't exactly what it was supposed to be.
lounging in a place usually inhabited in warmer months by children with far less worries than we
we heard calls coming from up the road and knew it was time to scale the fence again

If i could write a novel on your skin with my ink jet eyes i would
If i could direct the wind that carries the ashes of my cigarette to ignite some unbeknownst light in you i would
If i could point out the cracks in the pavement and ask you to walk with me i would
And if you if you wanted to count the distance from your house to mine we could
If you wanted to play house, pretend we could handle the falling sand, keep the reflection intact,
I would forget each grain; the dirt would pour an emerald glass pool and we could take a dip in its dissolving lust
Take a dip in the dimming lights and only come up for air when youre ready to look me in the eyes /

you are a four dimensional box
i memorize every edge and line and yet, I still get lost in your doors the second I enter your maze of a mind.
the transparent colors that seem to
transfix to the walls mystify and astound me at every turn.
i know everything and then I take one step closer and all
knowledge glides to the floor in one fowl swoop.
and yet, I welcome it.
the heavy enticements pull me in with such graceful force,
I could hardly imagine not greeting the boxes
and falling in

I feel like I'm stuck in a world I created for myself.
"A Prison by my own design"
Except,
I lost the directions,
I don't know my own way out.
I was placed here by grayish hands
and a convincing smile.
I kept trying to look up,
but every time I did I saw the same convincing smile with the same words pursed on their lips...
"This is normal, honey"




So I stopped looking up.

i looked for traces of your presence everywhere-
in the bathroom,
in a dish left carelessly in the sink,
in a fold in the cushion of the decrepit couch.
i looked under the kitchen sink  a few times
but the place i spent the most time,
the place where i tried so hard to remember,
was under the stars on the blanket of green.

I don't know how much more I can offer.
Or how many pieces I have left to give.
I used to think being alone was better than being with someone and disappointing them…
But now it's me who is disappointed.
I don't want to be alone, but that's where I am headed.
Constantly slipping away.
Constantly falling back into the old pattern,
of not opening up.
Putting up the wall.
Sounding the alarm when anyone tries to break in.
I'm tired of falling asleep.