If you see me laughing,
please dont laugh with me,
Because I am not laughing,
I am dry sobbing with a smile on my face,
because pain is so funny to me,
my own pain is so funny to me,
I always do that to myself,
I'm in pain,
so silent and so innocent looking but yet here I am,
laughing like a sociopath,
because I am so used to my own heart breaking.

When you tell people you like poetry,
they start listing off all these poets, all the ones they know,
and you, if you're like me, just look utterly disinterested,
because me,
I do not need a name to a work,
I do not need to be aware of what this poet is and stands for,
I just need to feel it, deep inside my brain, pounding my skull
breaking into my rib cage and peeling my heart out
ripping me apart.
Thats what poetry is to me.

I cant seem to get over the people in my past,
the kids who called me fat,
who dont remember my name but I remember there's
Robert who preferred Rob, Nicholas who preferred Nick,
They decided that I was a target and I let myself be one.
I let it hurt me.
I got told in therapy that I am too old now to care about it,
something that happened when I was 12,
"in the heat of puberty"
"boys always make fun of girls, its a centuries old happening"
"Sometimes boys are ******* you because they like you"

I spent my years in the closet
no, not like that.
I spent my years in the closet,
my clothes were my skin,
Black clothes meant please help me,
blue clothes meant I'm getting sad
Tie dye meaning I want to be free,
Yellow clothes meaning I was happy,
I realized I never looked good in yellow.

The terror and panic that once created a solid encasement around me,
is broken.
The once mummifying thoughts of my own demise,
now are gone.
The storm has passed although, for so long, that was all I forecasted.
I never dreamt of myself being around someone so rich,
so rich in love and talent and devotion and dedication,
I never planned myself, someone once so completely scared,
to feel fearless.
I have never planned for this, I guess there was never anyway to see,
You took the clouds and you tore them away,
just like the sunshine you are.
Just like the sunshine you'll always be.