"Maybe if you're lucky"
she says like the dealer
at a blackjack table.
The representative of the House.
Of the Competition. She fingers
the deck of cards that hold my
fortune with whimsical interest.
Whereas I can't take my eyes
off the flop.

Zipper your arms around me,
and meld into my eyes.
Button your lips to mine,
and let me breathe in that autumn air
while I'm wrapped in you.

Slip your hands down my waist
while I crack a weathered smile.
Stitching your fingers through mine.
Let me know that all of this coldness that we've felt
is merely from the seasons.

Pressing your forehead to mine,
leaving everything the Summer held behind.
We're just two people,
crunching fallen leaves with our feet,
which echo the sounds of what we're
trying so hard to avoid.

Sometimes I look at you,
and you seem to be looking back at me.
But sometimes you look away
as if you're afraid of what might happen
if you look just a second longer.

The way you keep looking back at me,
as if there was something in me worth seeing.
I wish I could envision the world
the same way you do.

Where everything is beautiful and new
and innocent.
Your world is untouched.
Immaculate.
Like a little kid.

But in some way, that's exactly what you are.

You'll love her with all your skin, tongue and lungs.
The way that the air is just so much more crisp whenever she's in proximity to your hands.
It turns the scattered dust in the atmosphere into magnifying glasses
Aimed directly at her
Spotlighting everything you wish you could put into words but can't
Because she's just too ******* unbelievable
That even if you tried, you would offend yourself and the gods with how little it compares to
The love she makes you feel in reality.

You would do everything for her.
Hold her until your bones start to crack
So that she'll understand just what you mean
When you tell her that you'll never let her go.
But she still doesn't get it.
She'll never understand that when you tell her that you want nothing more
Than to let your dust be her dust, her words to be in your cheeks
Her nose to be your daughters nose
You mean that you want nothing more than to keep her forever.

But you never will.
Because you never stood a chance.
You thought that by giving your whole self over to her she would offer you the same respect.
That's not how this world works.
It never was.
These valiant efforts of yours are now dubbed selfish and inconsiderate by others
For not taking her feelings into account.
Because she doesn't know what true love is.
She never felt the need to have you near.
For her daughters smile to be your smile.
For your hands to cradle her head when she's sad.
To let you talk for hours without listening to a single ******* word you're saying,
Because she's lost in the sound of your voice.

Because she doesn't know how to accept anything she isn't willing to give.

Silently and scrupulously looking at my dad for a minute, I asked,
"What is it like to get old?"
He turned his attention away from the computer screen
Met my gaze
Took a deep breath in, and began,

"You don't realize just how fast life goes by, until it's gone.
One day, you look in the mirror, and realize that twenty years have gone by.
It's a different person in the mirror than what you expected.
Some days, I look at your mother
And it feels like I've only known her for a few months.
Other days I look at her, and she's just so different from the woman I met.
We've grown and changed so much together.
I am, to this day, learning new things about her,
And all of them make me love her more.
Yeah, she can't cook for ****, and she talks in tangential circles
Which I just can't keep up with.
But since day one I was smitten with her.
And to this day I'm surprised that she actually chose
To spend the rest of her life with me.
Getting old with the right person makes getting old bearable."

I am waiting
quietly observing

silently hoping
to be surprised

to hear good tidings
I am waiting

to learn that reason
will suffice

always aware yet
scarcely prepared

for what may come
with the new day's rise

in trepidation
I am waiting

BANGBANGBANG.
Huh?
BANGBANGBANG.
My ribs are taut.
Stay put, they seem to say.
But I can't stay put. Because nothing will ever be the same. The inside jokes, the laughs, the fantasies of an affordable four person flat--
No turning back. You can't swallow back those yells. You can't bite back the curses. You can't reach back your fists from the glass. You can't narrow the widened eyes, steady the shaking limbs, slow the shallow breathing of seven onlookers.
That's it. And I thought that was it.
But now I don't know if it is.
I'm waiting for another
BANGBANGBANG.