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Wednesday Feb 2014
I hate when my counselor that I’ve seen 8 months
asks me why I shaved off part of my hair two weeks ago
like maybe I just wanted to and
this isn’t about Freud
now where are my test results

Sometimes I hate being so dependent on what axis my personality lies on like without a name for myself I will fall to pieces

And she delivers because no one refuses me for some reason
like they are afraid of something in the bone structure of my face
or in the hollow of my eyes

and she reads me what ive known since the day I turned 13
She reads me what I've known since I strangled
my cat in the woods when I was 14

She reads me what ive known since I stole
all my mothers pain medication and sold it when I was 15
She reads me what ive known since I was caught by the police at 16  
and didn’t bat an eyelash at the prospect of it all
because somehow it doesn’t matter

She reads me what ive known since I crashed
my car into a store and laughed
Since I totaled my car into a ditch at 90 with
no seatbelt and caught air and walked away
invincible because I cant get hurt

since I ran over my dog and played in its blood
and then made myself cry when I called my mom
and blamed it on an innocent guy

I’ve known what I am

but she is worried about putting a label on me
like maybe im not a sociopath or narcissist or borderline
like she doesn’t want to be the one to blame if shes not right

Call me evil
Because I am
Wednesday Feb 2014
Grandmother veins wrapped like seatbelts around necks
Head first through windshields
Arms reaching around their tombstones

Worms playing hide and seek in kidneys
Gutted pigs in slaughter

Faded wreaths
Fake flowers
Streetlights

Disappearing children
We are fading with each step
Dust in the wind
Dissipating

Happy birthday whispered
Baby wings on *******
India ink burned

Who do you belong to
Who gave you the key to unlock your shackles
Fly from the car

Yellow caution tape
Siren anthems
Resounding death rings
Ten of my classmates died this year in car accidents or strange medical mix ups. by the line "who gave you the key to unlock your shackles" I am referencing that none of us are truly free, how did 10 of you get away? I'm not sure if I'm even making sense anymore. Does anyone really read this part anyway?
Wednesday Feb 2014
My professor is looking at cars on a white projection screen
I am wondering why it was worth my time to come today
Bought a book for $260 so here I am

The boy with a Mohawk and
Chiseled cheekbones looks at me
I always catch him glancing back 3 rows

I don't know the colour of his eyes
But I know the exact bone structure of his jaw
and the way he tightly clenches his fist until the knuckles are white

He makes me wonder what I am
To know that I want nothing more than
His hand colliding with my face
What does that say about me

My professor is an old man who can't walk without a cane
He shows us his ****** art he is so proud of
We are all in rose colored glasses
That does not go away no matter our age
And that is probably the saddest thing
Wednesday Feb 2014
everyone is posting videos
forgetting science
and trying to burn snow
well *** holes it’s called sublimation and
******* for not liking my picture I posted 26 minutes ago

where else is my poor narcissistic soul going to get my ego boost from
I have 34 likes and I need at least 50 to feel like I can be deemed fuckable by the general public
please help me

and you posted a picture
and I liked it and so did your ex-girlfriend
and I ******* hate her and how she can relate to you
and she knows what an IV to the heart feels like and I don’t
but you make me wish I was ill or near death just so I can feel like maybe just maybe we can lay in opposite hospital beds
this is really, really horrible poetry. its not even poetry and I wrote this on a napkin when I was drunk.
Wednesday Feb 2014
Sometimes my hands get really itchy
like my bones are trying to crawl their way out of
the skin that entraps them

I get really nervous when I can’t write
You speak in riddles and you're making me crazy

And last night I told you that if hell was real
According to Dante there are 7 levels
and I think I belong in all of them

And we talked about heaven
and you said that you think heaven could be here on earth

And I laughed and said maybe in bits and pieces
but I think my heaven is all chopped up

And then it was silent for a long time
and I realized that you were subtly saying
that it felt like it was heaven with me

Maybe I just shouldn’t speak but I want you to realize is
I am all dark and sin
I am rust on your shine
Wednesday Feb 2014
I heard you got hit by that train on your 17th birthday
Smoking **** on the tracks
Too bad it was only my dream

I wish the fall onto concrete left scars on your face instead of scrapes

I wish the cops caught you that night
Or the night after that
I would have wanted them to lock you up

You threw away the key to my heart
Pressed it flat like a keepsake penny made by machines
I wish I died when I crashed my car for the third time in a year
I know you wished I hadn’t walked away
Wish you weren’t the first person I texted

It has taken me nine months to start getting over you
Its been 5 weeks since I last cried in vain over your memory
It has taken the touch of six men to scrape you off of my skin

I heard every seven years all of your cells renew themselves
By 2019 you will have never touched me
I find some sort of peace in that

It has taken me nine months to think about loving someone else
But here I am
three weeks into a relationship and I'm doing perfectly fine
without you

I still know your middle name and the sound of your laughter
But somewhere I have forgotten your favorite color
I remember where all your hidden freckles are
But I have forgotten the weight of your skin
I could draw your bones on canvas with my eyes closed
I could not color your eyes in or the shape of your lips

I suppose I’m getting closer to forgetting you altogether
There are still remnants of you
Like 2 year old gum stuck to a sidewalk
Is it ever really gone?

Now when people think of us
They think of us as separate people
They pair you with the girl who salivates on your arm
Love was never the mistake
You were the mistake

Im stuck here with burn holes in my thighs
With vacant lonely eyes
I used to call you:
H o m e.

I should have never let a boy matter so much
I am made of stardust and rot
Never should have let you in
You never made me feel as special as I did to you
Dropped me in your kitchen when things got too hot
Looked at the shards on the floor and didn’t bother to sweep me up
Never thought about gluing me back together

You always said you didn’t know what youd do without me
But you do know
Today is six months with the girl you supposedly love now
Her name still makes me shudder a little
and when I saw you last I cried for 20 minutes
It burns me in unseen places to look at pictures of you two together
It burns me to know I am not the one you want
Wednesday Feb 2014
You were wearing my favorite black leather jacket
And the minute I saw you walk out of the hospital doors
Something in your face made me shift in my seat a little
Like two stones grinding against light pressure
I took your frame in mine and could tell you had been crying

I'd never felt such raw emotion when you kissed me
You tasted faintly of salt
Like tears had freely curled in the edges of your lips

When you sat in my car and held my hand while you spoke
I had never heard such raw emotion
You told me that the recesses of your mind
played out death
Every time

It was then that I almost understood how crippling your
Disease is to you
I can't feel your pain but I can see it on your face

I think if I could ever truly love someone
it'd be you
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