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kaitlyn-marie Apr 2014
how can I trust
someone who knows
that they should
have stayed but didn't?
I will not wait for you.
kaitlyn-marie Jun 2014
you know that it’s really over
when you can’t remember
their phone number anymore,
even though you’ve had it
memorized since the third grade.
kaitlyn-marie Mar 2015
I spoke too soon again,
I've changed my mind.
some worlds just aren't meant to collide.
I opened the bottle and you overdrank,
but, then again, your twenty first
birthday was yesterday.
kaitlyn-marie Sep 2014
she has planets in her eyes
and dreams of unseen lands.
the tattoos across her body
a map of the places she’s been.
she could go anywhere,
but she longs to go to space.
she’ll do it with rainbow hair,
laughter in her heart,
and a smile on her face.
kaitlyn-marie Mar 2014
if I hadn't been wearing glasses,
would you have noticed my eyes
and wanted to look into them
for the rest of your life?
kaitlyn-marie Jul 2014
everywhere I venture,
I don't stay long.
living out of suitcases
and singing indie songs.
kaitlyn-marie Mar 2014
you went out of your way to "bump into me"
and say hello on a Thursday afternoon.
when I excitedly told my friends,
they brushed it off like it was no big deal.
I guess this sort of thing
doesn't happen to me very often.
kaitlyn-marie Apr 2014
I read once
that the true mark of maturity
is trying to understand
where someone is coming from
when they hurt you,
instead of trying to hurt them back.
I guess I'm not as mature
as I thought I was.
kaitlyn-marie Mar 2016
I’ll start out by saying that my parents don’t like us to label ourselves.
They don’t like us to share them either.

As a child it used to take me at least two hours to fall asleep.
Thoughts would race through my head like boxcars.
I would repeat what I was excited about the most
until my brain would get tired enough to let me rest.
Some doctors would call that insomnia, but that’s not what I had.

Since the age of six, I haven’t believed in god.
His existence always felt like a fairytale
that adults never grew out of.
Some people would call this atheism, but that’s not what I have.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been worried.
Every event in my day was cause for panic.
I would string them along like paper chains
with no rest in between.
Some doctors call that anxiety, but that’s not what I have.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t pick at my skin.
I’ll rip off pieces until my skin gets mad
and bleeds red with anger.
Some doctors would call that dermatillomania, but that’s not what I have.

Since middle school, I’ve been afraid of germs.
I won’t touch my face without washing my hands first
which makes it take twice as long to put on makeup.
I can’t eat without sanitizing my hands
which makes people skeptical to get to know you better.
Some doctors would call that germaphobia, but that’s not what I have.

When I was fifteen my throat used to close up
every time I thought about death.
Sometimes you don’t realize you’re breathing until you’re gasping for air.
Some doctors call that a panic attack, but that’s not what I had.

I’ve been on antidepressants for three years
in order to calm down my brain
from running too many marathons.
My heart was never able to catch up.
Some doctors might say that this is because I was depressed.
But that’s not what I have.

My therapist told me…
— ****, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.

Somebody told me to come here today so that
I could be honest to myself and others
about the problems that don’t have names.
The words that I can’t say out loud.

I’m hoping with this discussion
I will someday be able to say that
I used to not be able to fall asleep for hours.
I used to not believe in god, I used to worry all the time.
That I no longer pick at my skin.
I’m no longer afraid of germs.
My throat used to close up,
and I’m no longer on antidepressants.

Because I have problems that can't be labelled.
kaitlyn-marie Aug 2014
two years later, I can finally
listen to our songs without
thinking about us singing them.
that's what they call progress.
kaitlyn-marie Apr 2014
when we left for the summer,
I suffered the heartbreak that is
associated with a break up and
a type of sadness that is only
associated with death.
I’m not sure how I got here.
kaitlyn-marie Sep 2014
I have fire in my fingertips;
I might burn you, but I swear
I'll keep you warm at night.
kaitlyn-marie Sep 2014
I just want to get you alone
because you're the closest
thing to home I've ever known.
kaitlyn-marie Oct 2014
it’s a **** good thing that I’ll never kiss you,
because I think that my heart
would jump out of my chest.
kaitlyn-marie Apr 2014
i live in a world of many other men.
you were just the first one that
i locked eyes with in a crowded room.
we both know you won't be the last.
kaitlyn-marie Mar 2014
take yourself out to dinner
if no one else will.
if you don't treat yourself right,
why would you expect
anyone else to?
kaitlyn-marie Nov 2014
he's taking you like you're medicine
and people aren't made that way.
kaitlyn-marie Sep 2014
keep your head up my love, and remember that
if it doesn’t work out, your best friend is still
willing to share custody of a cat with you.
you can still move into that apartment
in New York with the windows that overlook
the pale city lights. it just doesn’t have to be
with him. there are others who will love you
much better than he did, and he will build you
a window seat next to that city view
so that you will be inspired to write poetry.
just live for yourself, sweet girl, and all will be well.
kaitlyn-marie Sep 2014
we are the dreamers. we are the pranksters,
the pillow fort makers, and the lightning rod keepers.
we are the runners, running away from
everything we’ve ever known, but we always come right back.
we don’t know black and white, we never did.
we make each other’s lives a little more colorful.
the rest of my life, I will never have anything quite as beautiful.
kaitlyn-marie Jul 2014
you acted like you didn't care if I left,
and then you got mad when I did.
you are a hypocrite.
kaitlyn-marie Mar 2014
my mind keeps going back to the night
that we danced on top of the parking garage,
screaming at the city
because it wouldn't let us see the stars.
kaitlyn-marie Sep 2014
I want you to look at me when I walk in the room.
I want you to forget how beautiful you think I am,
and for me to see you remember over and over again.
I want to talk to you for hours on top
of the parking garage and if it’s too cold,
I want to wear your jacket without even having to ask.
I want to know your favorite song and why you care
about it so much. I’m sorry; it’s just that I’ve never felt this way
about anybody before. I hope that I’m not invisible to you.
Nashville brought us together, but New Jersey might tear us apart.
kaitlyn-marie Jan 2016
here’s
what they don’t tell you in sunday school.
no matter if you make it to heaven or hell,
you could still be sitting next to the elementary school shooter
depending on whether or not he prays
to the right god.

my father always said
that if he meets jesus, he’ll apologize.
“sorry,
man I didn’t know. if it’s any consolation,
I believe in you now.”

two weeks ago
a friend grabbed my steering wheel
and she turned me into the next lane.
she believes in god
more than she believes in saying sorry.

if I ever prove her wrong and
meet god, I’ll ask him
if he watches over malala
and why he had to let
those three children
get hit with a semi truck on the way home from the fair.
giving their parents triplets
of the same gender as before
wasn’t good enough
even if oprah called it a miracle.

we always tell each other
that the murderers are going
to h-e-double hockey sticks.
is this wishful thinking?
are we just incapable
of picturing adolf with a pair of angel wings?

even if I didn’t know it then,
these thoughts
might just be the reason
that I used to get panic attacks
when I thought about heaven.
I’ve always been a restless soul
and being stuck somewhere forever
was never
my style.
kaitlyn-marie May 2016
here’s
what they don’t tell you in sunday school.
no matter if you make it to heaven or hell,
you could still be sitting next to the school shooter
depending on whether or not he prays
to the right god.

my father always said
that if he meets jesus, he’ll apologize.
“sorry
man, I didn’t know. if it’s any consolation,
I believe in you now.”

two weeks ago
a friend grabbed my steering wheel
and she turned me into the next lane.
she believes in god
more than she believes in saying sorry.

we always tell each other
that the murderers are going to hell.
is this wishful thinking?
or are we just incapable of thinking
that we’re going to share our heavenly space
with somebody who stole lives.

even if I didn’t know it then,
these thoughts
might just be the reason
that I used to get panic attacks
when I thought about heaven.
I’ve always been a restless soul
and being stuck somewhere forever
was never
my style.
kaitlyn-marie Sep 2014
you and I weren’t made for hotel room suites,
for red carpet walks or night clubs so loud
that we can’t hear our heartbeats.
you and I were made for ****** apartments
and even crappier coffee, for slow walks
hand in hand through fast paced New York City.
we’ll see things from the ground up,
perhaps it’s better that way.
no matter what happens, I hope that you’ll stay.
kaitlyn-marie Nov 2014
listen here, scarecrow. that might be her sign
that she's meant to be here, and who's to say that she's wrong?
she had hell handed to her with her eggs and her bacon,
but she still believes in good karma.
girls like that will leave you praying for a cold spell
in the back seat of their range rover,
even though you're sure as **** not going to
treat her any differently in the morning.
in sunday school, they grabbed us by the shoulders
and stared into our eyes until we
repeated those universal truths:
what goes up must come down,
don't swim right after you eat,
even satan believes that there's something out there.
kaitlyn-marie Sep 2014
the worst thing about loving
the sound of someone’s voice
is that you end up looking for it
in every room you walk into,
even though you know that voice
will never wake you up in the morning.
kaitlyn-marie Apr 2014
it's hard to sit still when all I want to do
is run away to Portland, Maine with you.
kaitlyn-marie Sep 2014
whatever you do, please remember
the sound of your little brother’s voice.
it’s not going to stay like that forever,
no matter how much you want it to.
record it. save his voice mails.
do anything you have to do.
because that’s what’s going to
make you feel at home when it’s
three in the morning and you’re alone
in a city that no longer belongs to you.
kaitlyn-marie Nov 2014
baseball games and lingerie
will only keep him around for so long.
sooner or later, you're going to have to give him
something that he can hold with both hands.
but for now, you'll bide your time;
coughing up your own ****** lungs
like there is some sort of return policy.
kaitlyn-marie Oct 2014
there’s a long list of boys that she will kiss
by the end of October, **** on her tongue
before you even learn their names.
kaitlyn-marie Jun 2014
I know that you cried
when you dropped her off at the airport.
i’m not sure if it was because
you knew it was the end
or thought it was the beginning.
either way, she didn’t deserve you
if she wasn’t going to look back.
for the record, I would have cried too.
"I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you."
kaitlyn-marie Jul 2014
he is never going to love me,
and I am never going to ask him to.
kaitlyn-marie Apr 2014
you know you're in
a heap of trouble
when he gets a haircut
and a new pair of glasses,
and you still think he's
the cutest creature
to ever walk the earth.
kaitlyn-marie Jan 2015
when I was nine, my brother Tommy and I used to walk by old South Bend Sammy on our way home from Sunday school. I used to give him half of my allowance every other Sunday, because I figured that was what God intended.

Sammy would send me inside of the neighborhood grocery store to buy him some sterno for a buck 50. I always wondered what he could possibly have to cook, with him being homeless and all.
I never asked him, but every other week, as promised, there I was delivering the sterno.

when I asked my daddy, he told me that old South Bend Sammy was cooking his insides. “that stuff’ll **** em one day, so don’t go wastin’ your money on a man like that,” he said, but I did it anyway.

when I was eleven, old South Bend Sammy was found dead on his corner. He died on Christmas day. Bobby Richardson, who was in the eleventh grade, told us that he saw the body before they carted em off. Said his uncle killed em accidentally when he threw his cigarette **** on the ground by Sammy's feet. Poor old Sammy was burned like someone was fixin’ to make a barbeque.

but Lisa Jameson’s daddy was a cop, and he said that old Sammy died from an old fashioned case of a heat poisoning.
“I didn’t know that heat could poison you” I asked my daddy later that night. “darlin’, it can if you drink it.”
this was inspired by Bukowski's poem "canned heat." I looked into it, and it turns out that homeless people in Philadelphia used to use Sterno as a cheap substitute for alcohol. In 1963, 31 people died because of the consumption of "canned heat."
kaitlyn-marie Sep 2014
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I was just trying to make myself whole again.
truthfully, I don't think I've been whole since I met you.
I'm sorry, I didn't think I'd hurt you.
But if I don't look out for myself, who will?
kaitlyn-marie Mar 2014
one day he will find someone who stands a little straighter
and doesn't leave hair in the shower drain.
someone who lights up his world like a shooting star in a sky of standstills.
and he won't even think of the girl he passed in the hallways once or twice,
silently begging him to love her.
kaitlyn-marie Nov 2014
that shade of lipstick made you bolder my dear.
the eyeliner put you in the direction you're supposed to go.
there's still time to veer off the right path
for the one that makes you feel more whole.
your mother's eyes might scream "I told you so,"
but that's all just talk. you're golden. I swear, you're golden.
kaitlyn-marie Jul 2014
she says that you work too much.
this coming from a girl whose car
hasn't moved since January.
she's just waiting for you to come back
like she deserves every second of your time.
it's not like it matters,
but I would never ask that of you.
kaitlyn-marie Mar 2015
I watched a scary movie
the night silver girl ran away
because I knew nothing could scare me
any more.
kaitlyn-marie May 2014
I really should stop making mixed CDs
for boys who will never listen to them.
kaitlyn-marie Oct 2014
a hot shower might drown out the sound
of her screams, but it won’t drown you.
you tell her that you’d sooner march
straight down to hell than feed the liars in her soul.
through tears, she replies that even though they say
that lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice,
you get her every single time.
kaitlyn-marie Feb 2016
at age six, I told the god that I didn't believe existed
that I wasn't going to wish him happy birthday anymore.

these days we come full circle:
I spent my eleventh birthday
with death behind my eyes and a best friend that wouldn't call.

on my thirteen and a quarter birthday
I spent my day dreaming with the sun.
at 11:33 PM, I hand-wrote a will
and hid it in my drawer so that
my parents would know who should get my
babysitting money and the naked American Girl Doll
with the dislocated leg.

these days we come full circle:
I spent my twentieth year
having nightmares that my dad killed my brother.
my mom was flying the helicopter --
we were watching them from above and
she wouldn't let me save him.
all I could do was pray that he wouldn't get
****** into the nothingness
that I was destined for.
kaitlyn-marie Aug 2014
I hope you find great things
wherever you're going.
perhaps one day, I'll have
the courage to start looking.
kaitlyn-marie Sep 2014
I could write poems
about your point of view
and songs about your smile,
but you won’t give me your time.
kaitlyn-marie Mar 2014
at two o clock in the morning,
it feels a lot like love.
but after I've had my first cup of coffee,
I ask myself "how can you be in love
with somebody
when you can't even remember
the sound of his voice?"
kaitlyn-marie Oct 2014
“come to me,” he said. in this hospital ward, we are all plagued by the same fate. there he sits, writing us off one by one; a cancer in his own right.

“come to me,” he said. the doctors remind me that the bright lights are harsh on any skin tone, and mine is no exception.

“come to me,” he said. will it hurt? will it be like dreaming?

“come to me,” he said. you’ve already taken so many. why do I have to be one of them? why now?

“come to me,” he said. I don’t want to leave; I never want to leave. regardless, he will be the second cancer to take me.

“come to me,” he said. it was time.

I give in to the silence because it will be my home longer than the twelve year’s I’ve spent chasing the sun.
Matthew 11:28 ; “come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
kaitlyn-marie Oct 2014
“I will give you rest,” I said. sometimes, you get impatient and you just want to hold some people longer than others.

“I will give you rest,” I said. she will be tanner there, the sun illuminating all of her perfections.

“I will give you rest,” I said. dreaming is just a preview of what is to come. my home is no place for nightmares. that’s what my brother is for.

“I will give you rest,” I said. I know that she is scared, but the other side is greater than anything she could ever imagine.

“I will give you rest,” I said. she is too precious for a world like this; too fragile. she is forever mine, and I have to take her.

“I will give you rest,” I said. it is time.

she gives in to the silence because it will be her home longer than the twelve year’s she’s spent chasing the sun.
Matthew 11:28 ; “come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
kaitlyn-marie Jul 2014
sometimes, I think about the day I lost you.
it didn't come in waves, like I was accustomed to.
a single tsunami washed over me,
knocked me out, and I forgot how to breathe.
I was petrified because it was like you took me with you
and my body wasn't my home anymore.
a large part of me died with you that day.
they told me that that part would get smaller over time,
but I'm not so sure that's true. I had no say in the matter.
all I could do was lay on my cousin's couch
until the water drained from my lungs.
kaitlyn-marie Apr 2014
I am not the portrait
of a love struck thirteen year old
that I painted myself out to be.
last night, I fell asleep hoping that
if there ever comes a day that
you touch my back for a second time,
I will act completely normal.
I will not blush and smile like an idiot
or dance around my bedroom
to lame pop music that I know
you wouldn’t approve of.
they always said that I was mature for
my age. but now? I’m not so sure.
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