You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone forever.

Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. There are days when I can hear my bones straining under the weight of despair, this madness that erupts like an earthquake when I feel you lost. This heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves until there are none. It is a mortal danger, perhaps not to life in a strict sense but mortal still, for I know very well my soul would harden and never be the same if I lose you.

But think not for a minute this is despair's babble, even in my seldom moments of calm and lucidness and peace I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than ever mine or someone else's. I want to deserve you, for I have to love you E, I have to love you. It matters not this wound that burns like two, it matters not that I search for you and I do not find you, even as the nights go by and I do not have you.

“What if God was a woman?” Asked Lois undeterred.
Well well well, if God was a woman — she continued —
Perhaps agnostics and atheists, wouldn’t say no with our heads
but we'd say yes with our guts.

Perhaps we would approach to her divine ******
to kiss her feet not of bronze, her pelvis not of stone,
her ******* not of marble, her lips not of gold.

If God was a woman, we would embrace her to steal her from her horizon
and you wouldn’t have to swear “till death do us part”
because it would be already inmortal by antonomasia,
and instead of give you AIDS or panic,
contagious her everlasting life would be.

If God was a woman, she wouldn’t lie far away in the kingdom of heavens,
but she’d live in the vestibule of hell waiting for us,
with her arms not closed, her rose not of plastic, her love not of saints.

My God, my God… — if for ever and from ever you were a woman —
how beautiful scandal it would be, what a fortunate, splendid, impossible,
prodigious blasphemy.

Dim sunlight coming through the curtains of my window this morning,
the ambiance feels just a little parky…
I stretch my arm to the opposite side of the bed,
nothing…

I believe I went back to sleep…

Woke up again moved by the sense of my obligations, half awake revolving…
My body longing for a touch of her calid smooth skin at daybreak,
coldness...

As of to reach her my eyes search for her,  
my hearts looks for her, but she is not with me.

Did she get out of bed before me?
maybe she's in the family room (like she calls it),
drinking a coffee and reading her book.
I feel a smile drawing in my face accompanied by a warm feeling of content.

I want to go join her, my nymph.
Perhaps she's just laying there unclothed on the ****,
or perambulating through the apartment doing her thing,
my muse,
that beautiful body of hers, seductive and alluring yet innocent and tender,
physique of a greek goddess.

My cellphone rings, it is her…
confused I hasten to get out the covers and sit in my bed,
then I glance at the picture of that hypnotizing graceful smile on my desk,
her farewell gift.

She's gone, I drove her to the airport yesterday…

They ask me to stand up
to exercise and play,
to run, to swim, to fly.
Very well...

One and all advise quiescence,
recommend counterpoisons, refer doctors.
they peek on me, perplexed.
"What's wrong?"

They suggest new sightings,
to try and get out, to not travel,
to cease living and to not perish.
It doesn't matter…

One and all see my struggle
for my bewildered expectancies,
the stumble of my now fickle nerve.
I do not consent…

One and all pick on my plagiarisms
with relentless blades,
judging, berating, amused.
I feel fear.

Frightened of everything,
of this morning's light, of the certain defeat.
For today I'm just a mortal,
decrepit and ephemeral.

For all this and more, on these short days
I'm not listening, I'm not here.
I yield, I strive again, I succumb.
I lock myself with and I open up to
my worst and most treacherous enemy,
"U" (my ego)

I would've put you through hell.
testing you, trying to get to trust you again
I would've been the worst
because I resent you so much, as much as I love you
and in my mind set, I wanted you to pay for what you did
wrong! I know! but I can't help it
so go, leave me, i don't wanna go through this

if you go through barathrum and survive ,then what?
and for how long? and how am I gonna feel after?
just leave
because I despise you so much, as much as I want to go through the trans-siberian railway with you
As much as I once hopped to wed you
at small remote chapel by the black sea

And I hate wasting time and "what if's" you know that
I wish we could get better faster
but every time I try, I see those photos in my head
and I read those texts again
and think, how could she? liar! liar! liar!
this is wrong, that is evil.
burn witch, burn

So be on your way, this is not me, all this wicked thoughts
go, get better, hurry up cause I won't be waiting
I will not waste time waiting

Fiends are ***** enough already, no need to aid them with our own murk.

Oh child,  for what good deeds have you been punished? alas,  where have you been searching?

Stop the wandering, my love, at least just for tonight and come home, we'll seat by the fire, your head on my lap, I'll read you a story, serenely, till you dream of last seedtime.

Stop the wandering, my love, for the night is dark and full of terrors.

There is a fair bit of you in every garden of my life.
Truly, that is nothing extraordinary, you should know it as objectively as I do.

Nevertheless, there is something I’d like to clarify:

When I say "in every garden”,
it is not only in relation to this of now,
this of waiting for you, of hoorah! i found you!, and ******! i lost you!,
and found again, and hopefully stops there.

Nor in regard of you suddenly telling me "I’m going to cry”,
then with a discrete lump in my throat "well go ahead”.
And then a graceful invisible rainfall arrives to assist us,
perhaps the reason the sun rises unhesitatingly right after.

I’m not just referring either
at the day-to-day fluctuation of the stock in our little decisive complicities,
or that I could or believe I can turn my deficiencies to victories,
or of you to bestow upon me the tenderest gift of your most recent despair.

No.
The situation is more serious.
When I state “in every garden” I mean to say that in addition to that sweet cataclysm,
you are also rewriting my childhood,
that age when one utters "grown up” and solemn phrases,
and the solemn grown ups celebrates them,
and conversely, you think of it irrelevant.

What I mean to say is,
you are reassembling my adolescence,
that time when I was an old man full of insecurities,
and contrarily, you know how to extract from there,
my germ of joy and consciously spread it.

What I mean to say is,
you are stirring my youth,
that vain vessel no one took hold of, that proud shade no one got close to,
and you on the other hand knows very well how to shake it
until the autumn leaves start falling
till there is nothing but the flesh of my triumphless truth.

What I mean to say is,
you are grasping my maturity,
that mixture of stupor and experience,
this unknown horizon of fear and certainty,
this relentless faith on my questionable strength.

As you can see, it is serious,
extremely more serious.
Because with these or different words,
I mean to say you are not only,
the dearest girl you are,
but also the splendid and cautious* women that I love and have loved.

Because thanks to you E, I have understood,
(you’d say it was about time, and with reason),
that love, is a beautiful and generous bay, that lightens and darkens as life goes by,
a bay where ships arrive and break away,
they arrive with blossoms and presages,
and they part with krakens and storm clouds.
A beautiful and generous bay where ships set down and then leave,

But E, you, please don’t leave.

all I've ever known are ******, ex-prostitutes,
madwomen. I see men with quiet,
gentle women ­ I see them in the supermarkets,
I see them walking down the streets together,
I see them in their apartments: people at
peace, living together. I know that their
peace is only partial, but there is
peace, often hours and days of peace.

all I've ever known are pill freaks, alcoholics,
******, ex-prostitutes, madwomen.

when one leaves
another arrives
worse than her predecessor.

I see so many men with quiet clean girls in
gingham dresses
girls with faces that are not wolverine or
predatory.

"don't ever bring a ***** around," I tell my
few friends, "I'll fall in love with her."

"you couldn't stand a good woman, Bukowski."

I need a good woman. I need a good woman
more than I need this typewriter, more than
I need my automobile, more than I need
Mozart; I need a good woman so badly that I
can taste her in the air, I can feel her
at my fingertips, I can see sidewalks built
for her feet to walk upon,
I can see pillows for her head,
I can feel my waiting laughter,
I can see her petting a cat,
I can see her sleeping,
I can see her slippers on the floor.

I know that she exists
but where is she upon this earth
as the ****** keep finding me?


Charles Bukowski

I have fear of seeing you, necessity of seeing you, hope of seeing you, uneasiness of seeing you.
I have eagerness of finding you, worry of finding you, certainty of finding you, poor doubts of finding you.
I have urgency of hearing you, happiness of hearing you, good luck of hearing you and fearfulness of hearing you.
So to speak summarizing, I'm ****** and radiant, perhaps more the former than the last and also vice versa.

It was perhaps a genocide of hopes
another collapse, somehow foreseen
oh but my sadness,
it had only one meaning.

All my intuitions gathered to peek at my lament,
and they succeeded.

Hitherto I had build and demolished again and again your crosswalks with me,
Hitherto I had bet on inventing a truth.

But you,
you found a way,
a most tender relentless manner to remove my love,
with one single blow, it was taken away from the suburbs of your future life,
it was wrapped in nostalgia,
carried for a mile and then for another one,
and then very slowly, without notice from that night's breeze
you left it, just there, alone to his own luck,
that ain't much.

I think you are right: it is one's fault for failing to win another's heart;
not the fault of the excuses, nor time.

It has been a long time, way too long,
since I confronted the mirror like last night,
and he was relentless like you,
but not tender.

Now I'm alone, I am frankly alone
it is always difficult to truly admit one's misfortune,
before going back to my gloomful winter chambers
drying my eyes thoroughly
just in case they glance at you falling back in the fog
while your reminiscence comes back to me.

In the course of a day we shall meet one another.

But, in one day, things spring to life,
they sell grapes in the street,
tomatoes change their skin,
the young girl you liked
never came back to the office.

Suddenly they changed the postman.
The letters now are not the same.
A few golden leaves and it's different:
this tree is now well off.

Who would have said that the earth
with its ancient skin changes so much?
It has more volcanoes than yesterday,
the sky has brand new clouds,
the rivers are flowing differently.
Besides, so much as come into being!
I have inaugurated hundreds
of highways and buildings,
delicate, clean bridges
like ships or violins.

And so, when I greet you
and kiss your flowering mouth,
our kisses are other kisses,
our mouths are other mouths.

Cheers, my love, cheers for all things,
in what falls and flourishes.

Cheers for today and yesterday,
the day before and tomorrow.

Cheers for the bread and stone,
cheers for the fire and rain.

For what changes, borns, grows,
consumes itself, and becomes a kiss again.

Cheers for the air we have,
and for what we have of earth.

When our life dries up,
only the roots remain to us,
and the wind is cold like hate.

Then let us change our skin,
our nails, our blood, our gazing;
and you kiss me and I go out
to sell light on the roads.

Cheers for the night and the day,
and the four stations of the soul.

(PN)