I heard my brittle bones breaking in your hands
As I collapsed
collapsed
I thought I was made of steel
Or rubber
something that bends.
But never
breaks
Your hands were not comforting they
seemed all too steady
and your voice
was too robotic
When asking me to
Breathe
How could you ask me such a thing?
At a time like that?
have you no heart?

I don't cry in-front of people
You could've had the decency to leave me broken
On the kitchen floor,
So I could carry on saying that
"I never really cry..."
as a testament to my strength

But you had to grab my bruised wrist's
and push denial away
"Shhh..its okay."
  I could've held on a little longer
Had I known
You weren't here to
stay

The ground has grown weary
Of bearing my tattered corpse
And I've been dragged along this cold pavement
So long
I forget how it is to feel the relief in my joints
when I get up
Because I've been down for so long
I'm afraid of even raising my head
to see if there's a glimmer
of hope
or ray
of sunshine for me
Because if there is
this flat paper heart
just might find it in itself
to try and move these broken limbs
and hold on to something steady
So I can raise my self up
but my kneecaps have been skinned to the bone
From the pressure of crawling
for way to ******* long
And these hands
are on the verge of snapping and falling off
So don't give me
any
false
hope

It seems like we waited forever in that waiting room
I kept trying your cell
Just to see where you had gone
Until you came back 3 hours later
Looking like ****
Shirt wrinkled
Tie rumpled
Face crumpled

Bruised knuckles

Looked like you had been bargaining with the God of war
It was a week from his funeral and I hadn't ever seen you dressed up since
You came to it in slacks and a wife beater stinking of alcohol

With eyes that looked like fire
like fury
like you were blind
like ice

And I willed myself to walk over to your heavy frame
  Shaking against the wall
But then again I knew nothing I could say
Could somehow make your anger go away

I realised you had every right.

So I just kept whispering a thousand apologies
Mumbled "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so, sorry"

Until your bleeding knuckles
Punched the knocked out plaster
And the sound of your bruised bones breaking
Against that ******* wall

Too deafening, for me to hear at all.
And the nurses rushed around you

To try to calm your thoughts
But all I could think of was a gorilla
King Kong
Mighty Joe

Some beautiful ferocious animal
that beat on its chest
Out of anger
Out of fear
Out of pain

Blood is not thicker than water
Just harder to wash out

Me the perpetual messiah
Trying to fix
all broken things
The never-ending, savior complex-

Like that bird we found in our backyard
When I was five;
And I had to learn that
"All living things die-"

I wish mom would've taught me that
"You cant save everyone"
Instead.

You are not a bird
You don't suffer from broken wings
Your wound's are internal
Invisible

Forever perplexing the mind of
thousands of
boggled doctors

Like I was supposed to pick up
What an X-Ray couldn't.

And inject you with some secret serum
That escaped from my lips
I spent so much time
Trying to clasp your wounds shut
So much energy
But you bled out
Right in front of me

You aren't a friggin' bird.

And I cant save you.

Don't look back Jack
You know where you have been
I'll clean your wounded arms Jack
Oh but the things you've seen Jack
Oh the things you've seen.

Lay your hands bare Jack
Lay your body here darling
Lay your stomach there Jack
Ill wipe it all clean

Ill watch the blood turn black Jack
A color only cutter's know
But please open up a window Jack
Its getting too cold in here
With only you and me
to warm up the atmosphere
We need to learn how to resemble the sun
Wear it on our skins
  And Ill pass you the whiskey Jack
I promise I will
As soon as you close that door please
and open up a window

I'm shivering
and its a kind of cold
that alcohol can't fix
A kind of lonely
You can't numb, Jack
And I don't want to tell you of the shape of my bruises
And how I think they match the stars
But I could write essays on your eyes Jack
Essays on your arms


If they weren't inked black
Jack
If there is any part of you that is pure
Let me gather the light in your eyes
with this washcloth
and some scissors
We'll find something to agree on
and well wipe the white off the walls
We'll paint it a ferocious red Jack
We'll turn the heat up high man
We'll burn this whole ******* place down

My dad, he saved a child
Almost two summers ago
Beat on his lifeless chest
Until he got up and started breathing on his own

Whilst I, in this empty house
Make promises I cant keep
And feed my blood to sharp razor blades
Because I know its a luxury to weep

I wanted to be the one to tell them
That Grandpa died
To summon up human reaction
But as soon as I watched their faces crumple
I wanted to take it back and say "I lied"

Just like how he battled to keep that kid alive
I wanted to stop him, shake him, say
"Dad, leave it, hes better off, you see this world is a filthy filthy place,
its a ******* ***** world daddy, you'd be doing him a favour.
So Save your breath
Save his grace."

But I didn't, I stood and watched and felt
nothing

While his mother pounded on my fathers back
Screaming words like "God" and "Please" and "Son."
As if there are such things


As I, in this empty house
Carve my wrists
And paint ****** pictures on
white hairless canvases
and think about that little boy

That my father saved

You bathed me in a bath
Full of shards of broken glass
That glimmered and swam
So beautifully bright
"Not all beautiful things catch the light" you said
Such cynical views for a patient man
Such awful thoughts of blood once shed
"It doesn't mean they're not there."
Then you ran
ran
ran
Like the coward you were

I bathed you in roses
But forgot to take out the thorns
See my beauty wasn't intended
But neither was yours

"Sometimes the smallest things, can hit the hardest."
Another one of your wise saying's

No wonder you were guarded

Now I bathe him in feathers
And ashes
and death
But the dead don't speak from their coffins
And blood wasn't shed
From all the things that we said

Like our words could fix
what was broken somewhere else
You said that only paper clips
And broken strings

Could undo the damage
One does to *oneself

I dreamt that a filthy mouse
Somehow climbed into my mouth
As I tried to pry it out by its tail
And somehow in this dream
I ended up chewing this filthy thing
That got stuck on my teeth like toffee
How disgusting
How disgusting

So I sat down to write by a window
That looked over this beautiful sunset
And every time I wrote a word
A crack in the glass would appear
I grew so frustrated that I thought
**** it I'll write anyway
My mistake
The window broke
And I got ****** into this deep dark hole
Of nothingness
of nothing
With the taste of the rotting mouse in my mouth
With the words flowing out all around
The things I couldn't say
The things I couldn't write

Fake
03/28/2009


I think you left your skin there,
It's lying on the floor,
And honestly its starting to smell,
I dont want it anymore.

I think you forgot your brain somewhere,
When you walked out that door,
Or was it the heart on your sleeve?
I dont want it anymore.

When you crawled out of that empty shell,
That lie that made you, you,
I thought the world turned upside down,
I began to doubt the truth.

But talking about truth is easy,
If you've never faced a lie,
And that rotten mask lying there,
Is a reminder that "we all die."

Like a snake that sheds the past,
You walked out on me,
Like everything that never lasts,
In my time of need.

Well look at me now you snake,
Im too tired to hate you,
Breathing takes such energy,
I learned that were all fake.

All plastic in this world,
And if it doesnt hurt,
Then it isnt love,
And if she doesnt cry,
Then its not enough.

I never thought that you could break,
A cold diomond heart,
But im still trying to find the pieces,
That have been ripped apart.

I stood stoic as they reeled your cold body in
It was only when I saw that your hair was still wet from your last shower
that I broke down
The coroner said he couldn't get your eyes to close
I said neither could I
Not even when we kissed
The ligature marks around your neck looked
like patterns that danced across your grandmothers hall
as we lay there arm in arm
Your laughter echoed off the walls
you told me how you wanted to be so small
and stare at the ceiling all day
that when you were a child you would fall asleep under your bed look at the marks the wood made
how if you stared long enough
some marks were even faces
or partial eyes
you said that you would never give up on me
well where the **** are you now?
Those covers echoed with the reality of our secrets
weighed down by our burdens
so take your knotted rope
for even in death
you look choked
here we are the same old story
me arguing with the dead
but we both know you visit me
in my dreams with open eyes you never get to sleep any-more
or breathe

I was angry at your blue body
for staring at me open eyed
with the same eyes that told me there was
magic
in life
You are a lie.
such a ******* lie.

"I feel sorry for you."
His voice was never one to mock.
It was always gentle, non-judgemental. (where's the catch?)
It didn't stop me from laughing anyway.
"Why?"

"It must **** to go through life too scared to really give a **** about anything."
(no really where's the catch?)

I admit, I lost my wit, there was nothing I could think of to say.
My tongue rolled around in my mouth looking for lost words
Checking behind every tooth to see if they were hidden there.
I managed to cough once to see if any were lodged in my throat.
But all I could think of was how
beautiful
he looked in the moonlight
the only thing giving light to his eyes, half a cigarette
I wondered then If the burning stump gave his eyes that red tint
or maybe
he was born with it.
******* on his cancer stick.
Maybe that's were he got his words from
I should start smoking too.
Maybe
"The world isn't so black and white, you know?"
He had a way of making the truth sound poetic
Like it did on that hill, by that creek, under that moon
By the burning cigarette
all I could think to say was
"The truth is only pretty in certain light"

Stu-stu-stuttering
Under those beautiful shadows
Near edgar street
Halloween, light lamps
pumpkins
Sh-sh-shaking hands
You looked so
broken
shattered

"You haven't been yourself lately."
"Well maybe I have."
"No no no this isn't you."
"Maybe it is, maybe im just sick of pretending."
-"Have you been eating?
When's the last time you had a goodnight's sleep?"
"Why does it matter..."

I wanted to remember how the light illuminated your cheekbones
But made those shadows under your eyes darker
They seemed to taunt your face
Dancing around producing fearful images
I was surprised you were still awake
What a beautiful mess you looked...
What a beautiful mess you looked like

"Y-you-you think the world is a beautiful place dont you?"
"I think It can be." You looked haunted.
"Yeah, for those who sleep."

I met a boy in Carolina
with eyes like the Californian sun
He said he wanted to kiss me under the sky
that was made of silk and velvet
I thought the sky looked nothing like silk
Just endless afflictions of stars, like twinkling people
Boundless constriction of atmosphere and something else
not quite reflected back at us
I didn't want to look at the sky because I thought his eyes
shone brighter than any star
with the innocent sparkle of boy-hood
and glee
And I wondered what it was he saw in
me
In my own dark eyes that must've reflected the sea,
some dangerous dark devouring ocean
What made him smile?
Was it my lips?
"Your eyes were always like the moon"
I remember you said
And even though your hands were shaky
Unlike his steady fingers
that did not stutter
sure of themselves in this world
And even if his stance was not
flighty
I could've sworn I saw a little bit of you
In this boy with the southern accent
with eyes like the burning sun
When he lit his cigarette with purpose
And looked at me
The same way you did
With wonder

If it makes you sick then dont drink it
Not if it makes you sick
and you seem to only write sad stories
if it makes you sad dont think it
no dont you think

But it feels so very good
When it warms its way down your throat
It almost seems to melt
All the ice inside your soul
And it feels like such a huge release
When that knife hits your skin
You almost cant see passed the tears
Cant see passed the sin

But its okay
Because it feels so very good when you dont feel a thing
And the alcohol is just numbing that sting
And it feels so very good when you dont know what to do
When you put a song on
But forget the tune

Oh, if it makes you bleed dont do it
Please dont you dare
If it makes you scream dont sing it
Dont you ******* care?
Do you really think those scars will heal?
On that faint delicate skin?
Is this how you tell your real?
Yeah, the blood doesnt match the grin

No those scars dont match your alcoholic grin.

I lack a certain meaning
something in my eyes doesnt shine as bright when people look at me it makes them want to look past me and I hate how average things can be and how I lack that certain "Oomph"
When all I really want is someone to say "Its alright darling the stars were made the same way as you, theyre just sometimes too bright to look at, too beautiful. Like staring at the sun too long."
And I am happy and content and excited and now I am crying at this computer screen.

I have lost memories and things are a darker shade of gray than they were before,
and it smells of ****,
this life im living.
But there's this nagging feeling like
"You're way too young to feel this way"
and I like to pretend it isn't some gay drake song
This ******* useless head, that detached side on the left that tells me to be quiet when I cry too loud,
or to let it the **** out,
inbuilt therapy.
Yeah.
I only hope that my language carries out to your ears and you pluck my words from your brain like that certain hair you didn't like growing on the inside of your nose and outside of your ear and you should listen dear
listen and hear.

My dreams are laughable because I am only seventeen
and realize I am a cliche and that protective screen
I had been
wearing when I really thought I hadn't, well its gone now.
So my dad was right about how many things I don't know about the world,
"The world is full of awful awful things"
and I thought I understood him then, well now I do.
Now I do.
There is a harsher kind of light that shines on the things I see,
some sort of UV process, reflected back at me, and It makes me sick, and nauseous and heavy.
I carry my cynicism like I carry myself, like its a stranger I'm supposed to know
But the best things can be carried off, If you really don't know
what you're talking about.

I think I am special because my **** doesn't smell as bad as everyone else's.

Our shaking hands,
See they weren't made for  
cigarettes
And all these words, flowing through our heads
Weren't meant to let us
sleep


We were only 16
Scarred, but beautiful
Like broken things sometimes are
Rarely are
Young, nicotine stains
Lungs full of words we drowned in
Choked on
Burying friends we had grown up with

How sad
How sad

A year later

Another funeral
We all look older
Wrinkles on our foreheads
But were only seventeen
Too young for crows feet
Unmistakable
Unshakable
Grief painted in our eyes
And we couldn't even look at each other
A year later, shaking hands
Same nicotine stained fingers
On our baby hands as we threw the dirt
On his casket

Another year
*Another friend

The curisoisty that satisfaction bred
is nothing but a lie inside your head
Or should i say the satisfaction that curiosity led
Is nothing but a mistaken feeling
inside your demented head

And you ponder each question
with such thoughtful insight
but dont you know honey
what you dont understand, you only fight

And dont you know little one
that while the worlds about to turn
your just a speck of dirt
under the burning sun?

Im sorry if you feel so small
So insufficient to the world
but take comfort in the fact that there's 7 billion other people
Who feel like that, girl

Didnt you know sweetheart?
That your just a footprint in the sand?
And when the tide comes crashing in
Youll be gone, nowhere to be found

Your the sound in the forest
That a falling tree makes
And if theres no one there to hear it
then it didnt really break

You create something false, so easily broken
to replace a concience thats just non existent
and im sorry you feel so worthless
But i cant find a lie that truth invented.

Theres 3 sides to the story
but i think mine is true
theres only one way something happens
But then again so do you

When your lips touched that bottle
And swallowed me whole
I thought good because
atleast I'd have  a better chance at keeping those things down
Whatever it was that you were trying to
push away
By drinking

But I was lost in your stomach
And made deaf by the sound of your heart
Your acid eroded me
And those monsters in that deep hollow pit
The ones in the dark
Well, they tore my limbs apart

I tried to find my way through
Cling on to something solid
but all I could hear was
*** *** ***

I didnt know you had a heart
But, you did keep it well hidden

Oh wait, that was mine
The sound of my own beating drum
As I desperately tried to
Get to you

I fell in love with your words
That beautiful mouth
That binded me to you
Like the alcohol in your blood
The blood that was never free from
your
own
self inflicted
Poison

The snow has a way of making everything look so god-**** beautiful
I think because it covers up everything
*****
everything grey
So come lie down here with me baby
We'll let the snow wipe it all away
There's a numb before death
hypothermia
this peace I hear
euphoria and you slip away
what could be better?
Come lay here next to me?
Your'e always saying how your lung's are on fire
So come sit in the cold with me
We're in heaven if you try not to move darling
We can pretend we're laying on clouds
And sure its cold now
But nothing beautiful was ever
free
Not in death nor dignity

So we lay in a field of white
And watched the angels throw down peices their forgiving
wings from the sky
As it touched our faces and melted
But you got up and walked away from me
Left me in a field of minus thirty degrees
In a place between life and death
I will always be waiting for you
Paralysed between sheets of white
To warm my shaking hands
My trembling heart
that
    no
       longer
              beats
                    for
                         you

You always were the drowning type

And you cry on the carpet,
Just loud enough to be heard
Well all your dreaming, its nothing
Wipe the stains from your eyes, get the water off the rug
Because death you see is a beginning
And when I told you such things
You suddenly got still, and I thought it was a breakthrough
But then you raised your head up and howled
The way a mother wolf does to an owl
A scream so full of painful meaning

Your words rang bitter and they rang true
Your eyes spilled water, and so did you
and you said "You don't know that, no one ever did,
certainly no one that's come back to live,
its a lie that you tell, to yourself when you dream,
but you most certainly don't know ANYTHING"

And then the carpet disappeared
with all of her tears
But the ringing in my head did never stop
And now i scream from the floor
from the same spot she was before
And i cry for new beginnings

And for the innocence Ive lost
in my tormented youth
the low blows I aimed at the ceiling
Yeah, its the end of a new beginning

The end
The end
of
nothing

I wake up heavy
Try to shake off dreams that make me
sweaty
I wake up tired
Before the headaches start
I wake up dull
Like my skull is too small for my brain
and the pressure
is slowly killing me
theres this pit in my stomach
and thats why I cant sleep
The sound of my heartbeat has kept me up for
weeks
and If I could just have one night where
I wont wake up
every
hour Ill
be fine I promise
If I could just have one more night where I dont ache
from the memories
of a home so long ago
because we all know
You don't go home twice
You cant go home twice
So Ill find a sanctuary inside my brain
somewhere warm and nice
where these sleepless dreams reside
and Ill figure out how to breathe
and block the sound of my heartbeat
out
So I wont have to wake up
with a lump in my throat
and aching
that ache
for home
for *home

I know the way you held the tears in,
How they swam like an ocean in your eyes,
But still you would not let them fall,
Didn't want anyone to see you cry.

And I know now why you kept such a straight face,
You told me one night when we were drunk.
You said that people look ugly when they cry,
And that you didn't want to ruin your make-up.

But your face wasn't all that crumpled on that cold December night,
No, you went flying through the wind shield,
there was no beauty, no dignity in that lost fight,
On the night that you were killed.


And I wish I could say that they miss you now,
But truth is you're just another pretty face,
Forgotten almost as soon as you hit the ground,
Almost a week from that cold December day.

So I'll write another poem about your vanity,
The price you paid to keep your pain in,
But I cannot write about beauty you see,
Because the line between beauty and tragedy,
Is only paper thin...

You tried to make a model,
So perfectly true,
And tried to paint a masterpiece,
With every single hue.

But the mannequin was fragile,
The picture too dark,
On her face there was no smile,
In her eyes no spark.

I appreciate your artistic hand,
But the colors are all wrong,
Did you forget the world is bright?
And life is but a song?

Or did you wake up one morning,
And everything was grey?
Have you finally figured out,
The words you shouldn't say?

Did you awake one late afternoon,
Realized it was still dark, and fell back to snooze?
But sleep did not come, so you waited for the sun to rise,
Ans when it didn't, you didn't weep, you weren't even surprised.

Is it like a world devoid of color?
Of happiness and taste?
Where food has no flavor?
And you have plenty of time to waste?

Because I think I know the feeling,
Of being trapped in a deep dark hole,
And your not sure what it is your seeing,
Your just sure you don't want anyone t know.

Well my friend, my fellow human,
We all bleed this way,
So take it easy buddy,
Because you wont he helped along the way.

Headaches and Home
09/10/2010

You remember the comfort of that living room,
Summers that never seemed to fade,
But now all that your accustomed to,
Is a blinding headache.

So you try not to move on that sofa near the door,
Because the more you do, the less you see the floor,
And the pain is so complete so intense, at least you know it exists,
What could matter more than this?

And those dreams that you have, of blizzards and snow,
They tell you more about you, than you ever seem to know,
And the truth is that you want nothing more,
Than to go back to that place called home.

Because its not the people, not even the places,
Just the way the setting sun made you feel,
So your already sick of all these blank faces,
But atleast you can hold onto something real.

You dont have to cry, you never liked wet eyes,
There's a time and a place for such things,
So supress all those emotions, the happiness in being,
Just get a headache from the swallowed "feelings"

You didnt see it coming,
The way the cold freezes to the bone,
Like a chilly fog in winter,
Seizing all that you have known.

You didnt see it coming,
No, how could you have known?
That this lonliness would settle?
And simply refuse to go?

And now it makes you shudder,
Makes you shiver all around,
Because no amount of heat,
Could bring back what was found.

There are many things I envied,
You seemed like such a spoiled brat,
But the way your eyes glazed over,
Well, I never envied that.

And now its frozen,
Cold and hard like a stone,
No, nothing can melt it,
I guess you'll have to die alone.

It’s like looking for a heart,
In a metal junkyard,
And getting cut in all the glass,
People have walked on.

Even asked the wizard of Oz
If he knew where it may be
But all he said was
"Look inside child, you will see."

I looked for it in pictures,
Of me smiling with my friends,
I looked for it in winters,
That never seemed to end.

I looked for it in boys,
Who thought that they were men,
Even looked for it in monsters,
Under my red quilted bed.

I looked under the rain,
In my brothers eyes,
Looked to my father,
And said “I never cry.”

He said “I know,”
As I began to weep,
“I know,”
I heard him repeat.

I looked for me in shadows,
In the past and present dear,
Looked for it in music,
I never seemed to hear.

I looked for it in children,
The only thing that made me smile,
But all I found was 7 pounds of,
Useless blood, muscle and denial.

Did anyone tell you, you can stop holding your breath now?
It's all clear, the fights over, your not gonna drown,
I think they forgot to tell you, It's okay to stop running,
Yeah, its silent but stop humming.

Your lips were blue and your hands were shaking,
You said the rain would do you good,
A breath of fresh air was all you were needing,
Just know that I did all I could.

Just know that I did all I could,
But no one could rescue you from the cold,
It stuck to your skin in the darkest of weather,
Darling you were soaked.

My hands could not calm your shaking,
My words could not warm your heart,
With each breath that you are now taking,
Someone else falls apart.

There was something flighty in your nature
How you avoided certain subject's
Its like your veins were on fire
Burning for something more than
this

And, well, umm I get that I really do
But I never felt like running
From something
that wasn't
chasing
you

So before you crap your pant's
Or spread those wings and "fly"
Remember you cant
outrun

you cant outrun the sky


And when you shake your head and say
your just looking for something more
Remember
The journey of a thousand miles
Begins when you have left the door

So don't hover in the doorway child
Or make a lucky run out "back"
There are something's you are afraid of
That don't always
attack

So while you're looking through the peep-hole
and checking for monsters under your bed
Remember some monsters
Only exist inside your head

And its okay to be afraid child
I'm sure we all are everyday
But sometimes you gotta stay and fight kiddo
Sometime's you gotta *stay

If I had to write you something,
Knowing tommorow you will die,
Id write a life-long essay,
Just to ensure that you survive.

Or I'd put three simple words,
Right in the center of the page,
Because "I love you" can save a life,
Might cool down all your rage.

I'd scribble meaningless pictures,
Plead with you to stay,
Tell you it gets better,
But it never goes away.

And inside I might be angry,
Scream for you to "stick it out...."
Tell you to live with it,
Cuz thats what life's about.

I'd be crying cause I miss you,
I might die a little too,
But I'd be careful not to tell you,
Anything that isn't true.

You clench your shaking hands,
And do not move from the place from which you stand.
And say “I'm fine” “I'm fine” with conviction,
Though I don’t recall anyone has asked.

They say if your not careful,
You become what you despise,
Control the shaking, clench the fist,
But don’t you close your eyes.

And you think that you can stop it,
How you tremble to the bone,
But you don’t really have a choice,
This is something we all know.

So just go ahead and say it,
It's on the tip of your tongue,
It wallows on your painted skin,
It pours from your eyes like a flood.

Go ahead just paint it,
Write it all down,
Scream it, sing it,
Or even whisper it out loud.

Tell us this fight means nothing,
You’re just standing your ground,
But the truth is that you’ve lost,
Something that can’t ever be found.

I watched the words tumble from your mouth,
Without a doubt they fell,
I watched them form a misty cloud,
Without a doubt you couldn’t tell.

I watched you stumble over yourself,
Recorrect your story,
Edit the missing parts,
Fill in all the dark and gory.

I watched you, oblivious and blind,
In a haze of dark smoke,
I watched you fluidly, lie after lie,
I hope you ******* choke.

I hope you ******* choke.

And if my hate 'aint clear enough
Heres another line or two
You really thought I meant it
When I said I love you too?