I heard my brittle bones breaking in your hands
As I collapsed
collapsed
I thought I was made of steel
Or rubber
something that bends.
But never
breaks
Your hands were not comforting they
seemed all too steady
and your voice
was too robotic
When asking me to
Breathe
How could you ask me such a thing?
At a time like that?
have you no heart?

I don't cry in-front of people
You could've had the decency to leave me broken
On the kitchen floor,
So I could carry on saying that
"I never really cry..."
as a testament to my strength

But you had to grab my bruised wrist's
and push denial away
"Shhh..its okay."
  I could've held on a little longer
Had I known
You weren't here to
stay

"I feel sorry for you."
His voice was never one to mock.
It was always gentle, non-judgemental. (where's the catch?)
It didn't stop me from laughing anyway.
"Why?"

"It must **** to go through life too scared to really give a **** about anything."
(no really where's the catch?)

I admit, I lost my wit, there was nothing I could think of to say.
My tongue rolled around in my mouth looking for lost words
Checking behind every tooth to see if they were hidden there.
I managed to cough once to see if any were lodged in my throat.
But all I could think of was how
beautiful
he looked in the moonlight
the only thing giving light to his eyes, half a cigarette
I wondered then If the burning stump gave his eyes that red tint
or maybe
he was born with it.
******* on his cancer stick.
Maybe that's were he got his words from
I should start smoking too.
Maybe
"The world isn't so black and white, you know?"
He had a way of making the truth sound poetic
Like it did on that hill, by that creek, under that moon
By the burning cigarette
all I could think to say was
"The truth is only pretty in certain light"

I dreamt that a filthy mouse
Somehow climbed into my mouth
As I tried to pry it out by its tail
And somehow in this dream
I ended up chewing this filthy thing
That got stuck on my teeth like toffee
How disgusting
How disgusting

So I sat down to write by a window
That looked over this beautiful sunset
And every time I wrote a word
A crack in the glass would appear
I grew so frustrated that I thought
**** it I'll write anyway
My mistake
The window broke
And I got ****** into this deep dark hole
Of nothingness
of nothing
With the taste of the rotting mouse in my mouth
With the words flowing out all around
The things I couldn't say
The things I couldn't write

Stu-stu-stuttering
Under those beautiful shadows
Near edgar street
Halloween, light lamps
pumpkins
Sh-sh-shaking hands
You looked so
broken
shattered

"You haven't been yourself lately."
"Well maybe I have."
"No no no this isn't you."
"Maybe it is, maybe im just sick of pretending."
-"Have you been eating?
When's the last time you had a goodnight's sleep?"
"Why does it matter..."

I wanted to remember how the light illuminated your cheekbones
But made those shadows under your eyes darker
They seemed to taunt your face
Dancing around producing fearful images
I was surprised you were still awake
What a beautiful mess you looked...
What a beautiful mess you looked like

"Y-you-you think the world is a beautiful place dont you?"
"I think It can be." You looked haunted.
"Yeah, for those who sleep."

My mother said I had my fathers eyes
I always thought I kinda looked like a bug
But not in that
Strange-insecure way
Just in the way we stare at lady bugs when were kids
And we don't judge them,because they just are
Before we learn to be afraid
And start calling them "insects"

My mom also said, drugs were the best thing that ever happened to her
to the world
to society
A teenage girl in a woman's body
Forever sifting through history
The never ageing blue eye'd hippie;

So I set out on a journey
to somehow find what she said was so great
I swore to myself that I would be the next drug
And do what it takes
To change the world
   To change society
     To be the best thing that ever happened to my mother
        The eternal hippie

I also think the women in my family
Have this uncanny knack
At finding these beautiful
wrecks of men

Her last boyfriend blew his brains out
  I was three and thought we painted the walls

Steven was her boy toy, with an artist's deep dark eyes
  I used to watch him paint
   He'd drink a little too much
   watch a little too much ****

She found him in his car
And then Brett
Who was the whitest thing we saw
Blonde hair and white eyes
  Well by the time we got there
He was already gone

So she says to me "Honey, don't make the mistakes I made, these weak men,
    well they aren't tortured artists, tortured souls, just misguided little boys."

     I haven't been able to quite shake that curse off
  I guess its something in the nature
  In the way that we walk
    The words that we say
      The way that we talk

But I'm sick of being the unpaid therapist
And staying up all night thinking about
   Problems that aren't even mine

  Dangling the live's of people with this terminal illness
    This disease no one talks about
      Because its so ******* "Taboo"
         Hoping they will survive the night
             Leaving my phone on just instead

Being thankful when they call me
Drunk and sobbing
About this dark abyss of water
The chains around their ankles
In the light dawn of day
The clock says, 4 AM, the bed says come
Their cries say "stay"

Holding their mother's hands
At funerals
Thinking of something beautiful to say
When really, I think I just need to start hanging around with a new bunch of people

But I find everyone else quite boring, quite stupid, quite dumb
You know, the kind, go out get drunk
For the sake of a friday
Study for a test you'll take on monday

Its like they never feel
out
   of
      place
And like they will always be
quite
    okay

  I hope they will make it through the weekends
    Make it clear they are not alone
      But ive always been icky with emotion
         Talking about these "heavy" things
I
   just
      want to
quit

They tell me I'm great
And that I''ll go far
Because I posses such "intelligence"
For someone so young
I say Ive known greater
Ive known smarter
And the acid eating away at my insides
Is a direct result of all
your expectations
That I wont meet
And that test I'll fail on Friday
And all the teachers I'll let down
A doctor's daughter
The family of academics
That somehow bred a writers soul
A so called "artist"
However intellectual
I cannot do this
I cannot

I saw you sitting on our front porch
It was a dull, silent day
The kind you find in Colorado
at spring time, early may
And the kids are at school
And the housewives are too busy cleaning the house
cooking their meals
Washing the lipstick stains off their husbands shirts

And you looked cute like little kids do
with a chubby face and baby hands
I sat next to you
and asked you what you were doing
You said "I'm waiting for the rain."
why?
"Because I like the smell of it."

You reaffirmed my sense in humanity then.
Someone who was only 5 years old
You made me want to go home and destroy every razor I had stashed away
Rip out every sad sob story of a poem I had written
Open up every curtain in that death stained house
That smelled like body odor
and human warmth
But it lacked
life

You made me want to scream and cry
and say "yes yes yes you're smart little guy!"

But I stared in amazement as thunder was heard
And now when I hear it, im reminded of your words
As I held your little hands in mine, the neighbour boy
and we danced in the rain as you squealed with delight
five years old with beautiful brown eyes
I could only hope one day Id have a brother like you
That was before my mom had the baby

And you were just a little boy
so every time it rains
I think of that dance
and how it smelled
and how it tasted when I found out that your stepfather had beaten your brains out

     3 years later
        after we'd moved.
That sweet-bitter taste.

of life laughing in your face

It seems like we waited forever in that waiting room
I kept trying your cell
Just to see where you had gone
Until you came back 3 hours later
Looking like ****
Shirt wrinkled
Tie rumpled
Face crumpled

Bruised knuckles

Looked like you had been bargaining with the God of war
It was a week from his funeral and I hadn't ever seen you dressed up since
You came to it in slacks and a wife beater stinking of alcohol

With eyes that looked like fire
like fury
like you were blind
like ice

And I willed myself to walk over to your heavy frame
  Shaking against the wall
But then again I knew nothing I could say
Could somehow make your anger go away

I realised you had every right.

So I just kept whispering a thousand apologies
Mumbled "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so, sorry"

Until your bleeding knuckles
Punched the knocked out plaster
And the sound of your bruised bones breaking
Against that ******* wall

Too deafening, for me to hear at all.
And the nurses rushed around you

To try to calm your thoughts
But all I could think of was a gorilla
King Kong
Mighty Joe

Some beautiful ferocious animal
that beat on its chest
Out of anger
Out of fear
Out of pain

When your lips touched that bottle
And swallowed me whole
I thought good because
atleast I'd have  a better chance at keeping those things down
Whatever it was that you were trying to
push away
By drinking

But I was lost in your stomach
And made deaf by the sound of your heart
Your acid eroded me
And those monsters in that deep hollow pit
The ones in the dark
Well, they tore my limbs apart

I tried to find my way through
Cling on to something solid
but all I could hear was
*** *** ***

I didnt know you had a heart
But, you did keep it well hidden

Oh wait, that was mine
The sound of my own beating drum
As I desperately tried to
Get to you

I fell in love with your words
That beautiful mouth
That binded me to you
Like the alcohol in your blood
The blood that was never free from
your
own
self inflicted
Poison

Many think of anger, as hot
fiery
volcanoes erupting
The ground shaking
Thunder
In my fathers voice

When I think of being angry
I think of silence
Of turning the ocean to ice
I think of glass
And reflections
I think of lava
because I think true rage
is kept hidden

It isn't the smoke that escapes nature's destruction
Or the roaring flames that engulf it
It isn't a thousand shattering windows
Or a deafening wind

Its the silent, burning lava
Rage is eternal
Destroying all in its path
Without so much as a
*Whisper

They pretended not to notice how much you had changed
But they did comment on your thinning face
And how much healthier you looked
How much better
They pulled you to the side "Oh my gosh, how did you do it?"
Quizzical looks
They didn't know that the weight you lost
Was unintentional
A compensation for the heavy load inside
You tried to somehow shake off
You hated your jutting rib bones,
Losing your sanity along with your "baby" fat
You lost what made you a woman

No no one noticed your gaunt eyes
and the sharp angle of your cheekbone
Like pain
and the way you started drinking
(Although you never stopped)

They didn't notice the new scars you kept hidden with makeup
Meticulous
careful
calculating
So unlike you
No no one noticed how your eyes shone a little less brighter
Especially when you smiled

Apart from that ex-boyfriend you left a winter ago
Standing in the cold
Because he was an *******
But ******* can be right
And you saw the way he looked at you like-
the way you used to look at a broken mirror
Wondering which piece to pick up first
And start gluing back together
The way you looked at your own blood flow from your wrist's
A little scared, amazed, numb..
Like "Where do we start first?"
And "What happened here?"
Thats how he looked at you
*Atleast someone noticed

Blood is not thicker than water
Just harder to wash out

Me the perpetual messiah
Trying to fix
all broken things
The never-ending, savior complex-

Like that bird we found in our backyard
When I was five;
And I had to learn that
"All living things die-"

I wish mom would've taught me that
"You cant save everyone"
Instead.

You are not a bird
You don't suffer from broken wings
Your wound's are internal
Invisible

Forever perplexing the mind of
thousands of
boggled doctors

Like I was supposed to pick up
What an X-Ray couldn't.

And inject you with some secret serum
That escaped from my lips
I spent so much time
Trying to clasp your wounds shut
So much energy
But you bled out
Right in front of me

You aren't a friggin' bird.

And I cant save you.

If* only you were a little less bent
Fixable
Like, a little less hollow
Gullible

"If only you would just! stop! thinking!
For once
You must be tired
I mean OH MY GAWD
Its like you're wired!

And like, your're way too cynical
Sarcastic, witty sure, but that's just
typical!
Arrogance, you think your're better-
than- Oh wait look at that hot guy,
his name is Brent-
Wait, wait

Now, what was it I was saying-
Yeah your'e like way too
cold, puts people off
Your're disarming...
No wait-I meant alarming
haha!


I mean smile, for once
Laugh at a joke!
Talk to the guys,
Gosh, you don't even ****!
-All you do is mope,
I mean seriously c'mon
I'm trying to be nice
You have such potential!-"

-"shutup you dumb *****."

Our shaking hands,
See they weren't made for  
cigarettes
And all these words, flowing through our heads
Weren't meant to let us
sleep


We were only 16
Scarred, but beautiful
Like broken things sometimes are
Rarely are
Young, nicotine stains
Lungs full of words we drowned in
Choked on
Burying friends we had grown up with

How sad
How sad

A year later

Another funeral
We all look older
Wrinkles on our foreheads
But were only seventeen
Too young for crows feet
Unmistakable
Unshakable
Grief painted in our eyes
And we couldn't even look at each other
A year later, shaking hands
Same nicotine stained fingers
On our baby hands as we threw the dirt
On his casket

Another year
*Another friend

You bathed me in a bath
Full of shards of broken glass
That glimmered and swam
So beautifully bright
"Not all beautiful things catch the light" you said
Such cynical views for a patient man
Such awful thoughts of blood once shed
"It doesn't mean they're not there."
Then you ran
ran
ran
Like the coward you were

I bathed you in roses
But forgot to take out the thorns
See my beauty wasn't intended
But neither was yours

"Sometimes the smallest things, can hit the hardest."
Another one of your wise saying's

No wonder you were guarded

Now I bathe him in feathers
And ashes
and death
But the dead don't speak from their coffins
And blood wasn't shed
From all the things that we said

Like our words could fix
what was broken somewhere else
You said that only paper clips
And broken strings

Could undo the damage
One does to *oneself

My dad, he saved a child
Almost two summers ago
Beat on his lifeless chest
Until he got up and started breathing on his own

Whilst I, in this empty house
Make promises I cant keep
And feed my blood to sharp razor blades
Because I know its a luxury to weep

I wanted to be the one to tell them
That Grandpa died
To summon up human reaction
But as soon as I watched their faces crumple
I wanted to take it back and say "I lied"

Just like how he battled to keep that kid alive
I wanted to stop him, shake him, say
"Dad, leave it, hes better off, you see this world is a filthy filthy place,
its a ******* ***** world daddy, you'd be doing him a favour.
So Save your breath
Save his grace."

But I didn't, I stood and watched and felt
nothing

While his mother pounded on my fathers back
Screaming words like "God" and "Please" and "Son."
As if there are such things


As I, in this empty house
Carve my wrists
And paint ****** pictures on
white hairless canvases
and think about that little boy

That my father saved

I remember that summer by the lake
How you were surprisingly quiet that day
and nice to everyone which was weird
no sarcastic remarks
or swearing

so unlike you

your wit had died down
if we hadn't known better
we would of said you were distracted
But grateful for the change in your
demeanour
and teaching me to skip stones
If only you had taught me how to place my heart in my palm
and throw that away
instead

You weren't one for smiles
but you didn't like dramatic send offs either
that's why I was surprised when we found your cold body on the floor
bathed in the afternoon sun
In your fathers cabin
by that god forsaken lake
Under that red sky that turned everything the shade of your blood

Cassie slipped and fell and screamed
But I didn't hear her I was too busy focusing on you
willing myself to see a chest rising and falling
but all there was, was static
somewhere beyond Cassies screams

And Luke rushed to somehow clasp your wounds shut
The reflexes of a Doctor's child
But he didn't see that there was no more blood left to flow
and you were blue and cold
but you seemed unburdened of whatever
was eating
you

I remember feeling relief
I stood there
numb

We laughed at your funeral
At the irony of it all
and when your aunt got up and said you were the most
kind, generous young man
we almost died of laughter then

you were the most cold sarcastic ******we ever met

but still loved you

Jake elbowed me and said "What would he do if he was here right now?"
I smiled  "He'd jump out that ******* coffin and give his mother a heart attack"
Because it was you after all
You did love dramatic endings

I know the way you held the tears in,
How they swam like an ocean in your eyes,
But still you would not let them fall,
Didn't want anyone to see you cry.

And I know now why you kept such a straight face,
You told me one night when we were drunk.
You said that people look ugly when they cry,
And that you didn't want to ruin your make-up.

But your face wasn't all that crumpled on that cold December night,
No, you went flying through the wind shield,
there was no beauty, no dignity in that lost fight,
On the night that you were killed.


And I wish I could say that they miss you now,
But truth is you're just another pretty face,
Forgotten almost as soon as you hit the ground,
Almost a week from that cold December day.

So I'll write another poem about your vanity,
The price you paid to keep your pain in,
But I cannot write about beauty you see,
Because the line between beauty and tragedy,
Is only paper thin...

You had perfectly plastic skin
              So so clear and shiny and pretty


                     And red ruby lips
                      That you painted
           Just like those pictures on your wall
                            Made of sharp crystal pieces

 That shone and caught the light when you spoke

                                                           And your words flowed from that beautiful mouth like waterfalls

                                Like the tears that fell from your eyes
                                Except, they would cut themselves on your ruby painted lips
                                                            ­
  And a thousand jagged pieces
                                        
                                              would land
                                                        stra­ight into my
                                                              ­                     heart

I gave your voice to the sun
I tried to catch the stars in my hands
But they fell through and cut me
Sliced my fingers into two

There is nothing in the sky but your silence
Looks like the sun burned the sound of music away
And the stars sparkle on the floor from when they landed here
As for me I am nowhere
Nowhere

I tried to give your voice to the sun
But the sound of music burned away
And the stars, they fell one by one
Cut my hands away
Tried to give you to the sun

Our moon is incompatible
November's cold and grey
You have ***** fingernails
Whereas I try to wash the dirt away

And what I once thought was music
Was just the sound of a thousand shattering stars
And what I once thought was beautiful
Was merely a thousand glittering scar's

You are a silly little man-child
And I am just a little girl
But as for me, I am tired
Of the blunt beauty of this world

I am on Pluto dear
You are on Mars
We sold each other out honey
We destroyed the stars

I watched my father from a distance
Being mauled by a bear
And even from this far away
In his eyes i could see fear
Pure ******* fear

I listened to lucy tell me
The worst thing Ive ever heard
About how 2 men grabbed and  ***** her
Is that worse than being mauled?

I do not know
But i guess they mustve screamed
So loudly into the distance
She was only thirteen

Only thirteen
And I was twelve at the time
I asked her if it hurt
I should’ve known better
Instead I made it worse

I met Daniel at a party
He showed me his scars
He said his father shot himself
So he decorates his arms

And monica paints pictures
Of skies so beautifully blue
Though she herself is dying
Just skin and bones and truth

I asked her if she found it
In all the painting’s she created
Did you find Daniels father?
Was he cremated?
Did you find Lucy’s innocence?
Unburdened her of her shame?
Can your paintbrush do that?
Can it make you sane?

What about my mother
Does she have a say
Can she ever get back
What was lost that day?

Can you paint my eyes
So they un-see what was seen
Can you paint the sounds
Of Lucy's silent screams
Can you paint Daniels arms
Make the scar's disappear?
Can a ******* painting
Ever make things all clear?

The curisoisty that satisfaction bred
is nothing but a lie inside your head
Or should i say the satisfaction that curiosity led
Is nothing but a mistaken feeling
inside your demented head

And you ponder each question
with such thoughtful insight
but dont you know honey
what you dont understand, you only fight

And dont you know little one
that while the worlds about to turn
your just a speck of dirt
under the burning sun?

Im sorry if you feel so small
So insufficient to the world
but take comfort in the fact that there's 7 billion other people
Who feel like that, girl

Didnt you know sweetheart?
That your just a footprint in the sand?
And when the tide comes crashing in
Youll be gone, nowhere to be found

Your the sound in the forest
That a falling tree makes
And if theres no one there to hear it
then it didnt really break

You create something false, so easily broken
to replace a concience thats just non existent
and im sorry you feel so worthless
But i cant find a lie that truth invented.

Theres 3 sides to the story
but i think mine is true
theres only one way something happens
But then again so do you

And you cry on the carpet,
Just loud enough to be heard
Well all your dreaming, its nothing
Wipe the stains from your eyes, get the water off the rug
Because death you see is a beginning
And when I told you such things
You suddenly got still, and I thought it was a breakthrough
But then you raised your head up and howled
The way a mother wolf does to an owl
A scream so full of painful meaning

Your words rang bitter and they rang true
Your eyes spilled water, and so did you
and you said "You don't know that, no one ever did,
certainly no one that's come back to live,
its a lie that you tell, to yourself when you dream,
but you most certainly don't know ANYTHING"

And then the carpet disappeared
with all of her tears
But the ringing in my head did never stop
And now i scream from the floor
from the same spot she was before
And i cry for new beginnings

And for the innocence Ive lost
in my tormented youth
the low blows I aimed at the ceiling
Yeah, its the end of a new beginning

The end
The end
of
nothing

You tried to make a model,
So perfectly true,
And tried to paint a masterpiece,
With every single hue.

But the mannequin was fragile,
The picture too dark,
On her face there was no smile,
In her eyes no spark.

I appreciate your artistic hand,
But the colors are all wrong,
Did you forget the world is bright?
And life is but a song?

Or did you wake up one morning,
And everything was grey?
Have you finally figured out,
The words you shouldn't say?

Did you awake one late afternoon,
Realized it was still dark, and fell back to snooze?
But sleep did not come, so you waited for the sun to rise,
Ans when it didn't, you didn't weep, you weren't even surprised.

Is it like a world devoid of color?
Of happiness and taste?
Where food has no flavor?
And you have plenty of time to waste?

Because I think I know the feeling,
Of being trapped in a deep dark hole,
And your not sure what it is your seeing,
Your just sure you don't want anyone t know.

Well my friend, my fellow human,
We all bleed this way,
So take it easy buddy,
Because you wont he helped along the way.

If I had to write you something,
Knowing tommorow you will die,
Id write a life-long essay,
Just to ensure that you survive.

Or I'd put three simple words,
Right in the center of the page,
Because "I love you" can save a life,
Might cool down all your rage.

I'd scribble meaningless pictures,
Plead with you to stay,
Tell you it gets better,
But it never goes away.

And inside I might be angry,
Scream for you to "stick it out...."
Tell you to live with it,
Cuz thats what life's about.

I'd be crying cause I miss you,
I might die a little too,
But I'd be careful not to tell you,
Anything that isn't true.

Fake
03/28/2009


I think you left your skin there,
It's lying on the floor,
And honestly its starting to smell,
I dont want it anymore.

I think you forgot your brain somewhere,
When you walked out that door,
Or was it the heart on your sleeve?
I dont want it anymore.

When you crawled out of that empty shell,
That lie that made you, you,
I thought the world turned upside down,
I began to doubt the truth.

But talking about truth is easy,
If you've never faced a lie,
And that rotten mask lying there,
Is a reminder that "we all die."

Like a snake that sheds the past,
You walked out on me,
Like everything that never lasts,
In my time of need.

Well look at me now you snake,
Im too tired to hate you,
Breathing takes such energy,
I learned that were all fake.

All plastic in this world,
And if it doesnt hurt,
Then it isnt love,
And if she doesnt cry,
Then its not enough.

I never thought that you could break,
A cold diomond heart,
But im still trying to find the pieces,
That have been ripped apart.

Did anyone tell you, you can stop holding your breath now?
It's all clear, the fights over, your not gonna drown,
I think they forgot to tell you, It's okay to stop running,
Yeah, its silent but stop humming.

Your lips were blue and your hands were shaking,
You said the rain would do you good,
A breath of fresh air was all you were needing,
Just know that I did all I could.

Just know that I did all I could,
But no one could rescue you from the cold,
It stuck to your skin in the darkest of weather,
Darling you were soaked.

My hands could not calm your shaking,
My words could not warm your heart,
With each breath that you are now taking,
Someone else falls apart.

You didnt see it coming,
The way the cold freezes to the bone,
Like a chilly fog in winter,
Seizing all that you have known.

You didnt see it coming,
No, how could you have known?
That this lonliness would settle?
And simply refuse to go?

And now it makes you shudder,
Makes you shiver all around,
Because no amount of heat,
Could bring back what was found.

There are many things I envied,
You seemed like such a spoiled brat,
But the way your eyes glazed over,
Well, I never envied that.

And now its frozen,
Cold and hard like a stone,
No, nothing can melt it,
I guess you'll have to die alone.

You clench your shaking hands,
And do not move from the place from which you stand.
And say “I'm fine” “I'm fine” with conviction,
Though I don’t recall anyone has asked.

They say if your not careful,
You become what you despise,
Control the shaking, clench the fist,
But don’t you close your eyes.

And you think that you can stop it,
How you tremble to the bone,
But you don’t really have a choice,
This is something we all know.

So just go ahead and say it,
It's on the tip of your tongue,
It wallows on your painted skin,
It pours from your eyes like a flood.

Go ahead just paint it,
Write it all down,
Scream it, sing it,
Or even whisper it out loud.

Tell us this fight means nothing,
You’re just standing your ground,
But the truth is that you’ve lost,
Something that can’t ever be found.

I watched the words tumble from your mouth,
Without a doubt they fell,
I watched them form a misty cloud,
Without a doubt you couldn’t tell.

I watched you stumble over yourself,
Recorrect your story,
Edit the missing parts,
Fill in all the dark and gory.

I watched you, oblivious and blind,
In a haze of dark smoke,
I watched you fluidly, lie after lie,
I hope you ******* choke.

I hope you ******* choke.

And if my hate 'aint clear enough
Heres another line or two
You really thought I meant it
When I said I love you too?

Headaches and Home
09/10/2010

You remember the comfort of that living room,
Summers that never seemed to fade,
But now all that your accustomed to,
Is a blinding headache.

So you try not to move on that sofa near the door,
Because the more you do, the less you see the floor,
And the pain is so complete so intense, at least you know it exists,
What could matter more than this?

And those dreams that you have, of blizzards and snow,
They tell you more about you, than you ever seem to know,
And the truth is that you want nothing more,
Than to go back to that place called home.

Because its not the people, not even the places,
Just the way the setting sun made you feel,
So your already sick of all these blank faces,
But atleast you can hold onto something real.

You dont have to cry, you never liked wet eyes,
There's a time and a place for such things,
So supress all those emotions, the happiness in being,
Just get a headache from the swallowed "feelings"

I know it's heavy, the burden you carry,
But it's yours, and yours alone,
I know you’re tired, eyes weary,
But carry on, carry on.

So rest your heavy head,
On my comforting sleeve,
And as for that meddling heart,
Let it bleed, Let it bleed.

I'm amazed at how,
Your fragile bones don’t break,
Under that crippling weight,
That you have to carry alone,
But you must, so carry on,
Carry on.

It’s like looking for a heart,
In a metal junkyard,
And getting cut in all the glass,
People have walked on.

Even asked the wizard of Oz
If he knew where it may be
But all he said was
"Look inside child, you will see."

I looked for it in pictures,
Of me smiling with my friends,
I looked for it in winters,
That never seemed to end.

I looked for it in boys,
Who thought that they were men,
Even looked for it in monsters,
Under my red quilted bed.

I looked under the rain,
In my brothers eyes,
Looked to my father,
And said “I never cry.”

He said “I know,”
As I began to weep,
“I know,”
I heard him repeat.

I looked for me in shadows,
In the past and present dear,
Looked for it in music,
I never seemed to hear.

I looked for it in children,
The only thing that made me smile,
But all I found was 7 pounds of,
Useless blood, muscle and denial.