The ground has grown weary
Of bearing my tattered corpse
And I've been dragged along this cold pavement
So long
I forget how it is to feel the relief in my joints
when I get up
Because I've been down for so long
I'm afraid of even raising my head
to see if there's a glimmer
of hope
or ray
of sunshine for me
Because if there is
this flat paper heart
just might find it in itself
to try and move these broken limbs
and hold on to something steady
So I can raise my self up
but my kneecaps have been skinned to the bone
From the pressure of crawling
for way to ******* long
And these hands
are on the verge of snapping and falling off
So don't give me
any
false
hope

I watch a sunrise behind an old abandoned church in my home-town
I haven't slept for two nights
the crystal clear beauty of the sleep-deprived
the jaw aching beauty of the pink sky
almost hurts my eyes
the irony I see reflected back at me
how such a daring light could hide behind
a cowardly institution
My thoughts are crisp and clear
after two nights of no sleep
and I cant describe
I cannot describe what I see
But its there behind my eyelids
when I close them shut
I am dreaming of tomorrow
But tomorrow never comes.
I am closer to god when I am sleepless
Though I'm not sure I believe in god when I am awake
like all things are during suffering
and the sky is just a canvas
for me to whisper my thoughts to
I paint his hands in the shape of clouds
under this red sky at morning
They hold nothing
and nothing holds them
heavy hands and my heavy eyelids
both closed
open
wide
shut
he holds me in his hands
he holds the promise of tomorrow
I tell him tomorrow is a lie.

You spoke addiction
like a language
like an art form
marks on your arms
on your thighs
A Mosaic of patterns
You said they looked prettier than the
ligature marks around your neck
the invisible noose
you constantly swayed from
Like addiction was a guy
you couldn't make your mind up
about
at-least they had more meaning
You said I never understood the purpose of tiles
and how beautiful they looked close up
and how you never got bored of counting them
There was more life in your bruises
than in your eyes
like each little hole
****** out a little more of you
said I could never understand the
beauty in
feeling
really
feeling
lukewarm bath water
turn cold
In a womb of your own destruction
in a needle
in a rope
in a razor
a false sense of life
of *life

Next time you tell me to go away
I'll show you just how good I am at disappearing
You just haven't stuck around long enough for the
vanishing act
You have the audacity to
say my name tastes like filth
But have you ever thought
that the source of your uncleanliness
was born somewhere in your lung's
and made its way up your throat
I can taste that
when I kiss you
No wonder everything turn's to grit
in your mouth
You have the stones
to say
you're an insomniac
But there's a difference between
not wanting to sleep
and not being able to
And your hands wouldn't shake so much
if you didn't drink so much coffee
and you wouldn't look so tired
If you smiled once in a while
and your breath wouldn't taste
or smell
or look
like ****
if you didn't smoke
100 packets a day.
So you have the audacity to tell me
"Well, baby the truth hurts."
In that southern drawl
With eyes so animated
I wonder which movie star you're impersonating now
After four months of Kurt Cobain
I've had enough of your angst and love letters
And I'd love to lay
my hands against your throat
and let you feel the threat
of life
draining away
But I know you would just smile
and rack your brain
for a quote from a movie you have stored somewhere
away

Don't look back Jack
You know where you have been
I'll clean your wounded arms Jack
Oh but the things you've seen Jack
Oh the things you've seen.

Lay your hands bare Jack
Lay your body here darling
Lay your stomach there Jack
Ill wipe it all clean

Ill watch the blood turn black Jack
A color only cutter's know
But please open up a window Jack
Its getting too cold in here
With only you and me
to warm up the atmosphere
We need to learn how to resemble the sun
Wear it on our skins
  And Ill pass you the whiskey Jack
I promise I will
As soon as you close that door please
and open up a window

I'm shivering
and its a kind of cold
that alcohol can't fix
A kind of lonely
You can't numb, Jack
And I don't want to tell you of the shape of my bruises
And how I think they match the stars
But I could write essays on your eyes Jack
Essays on your arms


If they weren't inked black
Jack
If there is any part of you that is pure
Let me gather the light in your eyes
with this washcloth
and some scissors
We'll find something to agree on
and well wipe the white off the walls
We'll paint it a ferocious red Jack
We'll turn the heat up high man
We'll burn this whole ******* place down

I've seen boys turn into men
   hands full of grenades
made of anger, of hurt of
cold
hard
beer
and smiles that could light-
no ignite
This cold heart of mine

I've known boys so steady
so calm
so sure
But they ended up dragging me-
along the cold hard pavement floor
Until I was nothing but a tattered corpse

They let me go
Like children do balloons
When my burdens grew too heavy
For the both of us to bare

I've seen boy's
-no men
With eyes so bright
so happy
so full of
life
I've known kids
so
so hollow
so empty

That even a rhyme couldn't describe
And I tell them to sit
sit down
and write it all out
But the paper grows damp
From the tears of their pens
And their poems unstructured
Their names but a blur

So now I know
I know
You can't tame all wild things
You cannot confine
Pain
To paper
As Pen to paper