I ran away with my resentment
Hypocrisy bred under my skin
infecting my chest cavity
& weighing it down.

I suppose I smoke now
to try & aerate my ribcage.
I'm sorry that I took off
that day in February & never returned.
(even you didn't deserve that)

Somewhere between life & death,
Somewhere between hate & love,
Lie my thoughts
I see that vast abyss in your eyes.

I cannot swallow emptiness
& no longer will choke on your cancer
I'm sorry that I no longer look at you
& that I no longer reply.

I am only trying to cut the cord
lest it tightens & suffocates me
when the tension mounts
God forbid, if I were alreay kneeling.
(I think I would surely collapse)

See now, (or maybe you don't)
all this scar tissue from former battles ?
I have now abandoned the combat
& wait patiently for your last breath.
(a war of resistance not offence)

Do not despise me for giving up,
It was your example I followed
& I saw, even Christ, perished
for the sins of others
(I want to be alive)

When the ashes settle, perhaps you won't remember all the bad times. You won't really think of the mess he left you or the disappointment. You'll recall the beautiful times. Like kissing on the Farris wheel and holding hands because you're fear of heights (you didn't really have a fear of heights). You'll remember the small times. Like a corny saying he always said. Or maybe the way his eyes looked when he talked about his favorite sport (or his once, favorite girl). And they won't be 'little things' they'll be hurricanes. Theses memories will be natural disasters in the most beautiful of ways. Memories are so magical. They affect you in so many ways. And it's funny how we tuck the unhappy memories in the back of our mind. As if we're trying to save ourselves from the 'natural disaster'. Almost as though we're forced to see the best in people. But just like everything, memories are both good and bad.

r/l