Power with the twist of my hair
Hand grips hand, but I don't care
It snaps, a guilty high

Somatic, genetic, sporadic,
habit
Mind ticks over my flaws

My mouth loves my finger,
and they are dancing
but it consumes and I consume
and I'm aching and hurting

Self abuse, self amuse
These sores run deep
and I can't come clean
I love it I love it I love it too much
Snap on the wrist stops me

Yesterdays are just the freckles on today's clear skin,
and yet you cry and call them blemishes.
I would do anything, just to fit in
But what I give, no one will take.

She spins in circles, and sings to the stars
Iron weights are sewed to my skin
I could hurt someone
I can't lift off
I can't  even  stand up

A disease has got into my soul and it's killing me like the rest
I feed my own insecurity, self pity, I loathe me
Some body rescue

But no
I will not take another's hand for too many's bitten off
Instead I'll smile and say
    'I'd much prefer to sit'

I like the power
I don't like him
I like him liking me
And I think that's ok

None of us are normal
There is no normal
The standard deviation curve loses meaning when
human emotions start playing

How often do you get panic attacks?
What would you do for $100?
Your worst fear?
Worst childhood memory?
What do you wish people never knew about you?

If that stranger could see inside your head
You would be completely *******

We're all ****** up
In different ways, of course
It's genetically impossible for us to be identical

You want to hold me?
I already hold myself with pride and confidence
Even when your 'brothers' hoot as if the weight
of their words could trip me up.
The weight of their eyes tries to rip my clothes open
Just like sharks one sniff and it's over
Blood running fast doesn't tip their judgement
Yet still I'm meant to be the calming influence
over this wild animal when it is me who is being
hunted?

My crash at 3.17 in the morning stopped being romantic last week
And now everyone's sick of me, they want to be sick when the sun's up and not before it
I try to desperately inhale the excitement
Scoop the pill up from underneath your tongue
And just let me ride it

I'm not drunk enough to be myself
Let me grab another few
Been waiting round for hours love just give me that cue
And we'll leave, and we'll sleep
Or that's what we'll tell people as we attempt to crawl inside one another and bless the sky with our exaltations

He doesn't understand that you can
taste the promises that his last lover left
And if He were to take your hand right now
you would drift right through him
And every compliment that he ever gave
only negated the smallest part of what they say to you

And he states that you are safe in his arms
But you're not three and you know that he is
blindingly oblivious to the privilege he holds
In his skin, in his eyes that he looks so adoringly at you with

He doesn't understand that attention often makes you nauseous
But thats' not a thing to admit because society, you know
And so you sleep
You sleep with him
But you never sleep with him because
you won't open yourself up
Because if you did, the cracks could never be hidden again

I frost over
My words seep into your veins
Into your touches
When I'm sad, I snap
Sit by myself

They deserve more than fake grief, than empty gestures
than mourning people just because they are meant to

We mourn because we have lost someone,
what an utterly selfish thing

Of course, I realise that I am coarse and callow,
I deny others their pain while silently screaming at the world
I pretend that everything is fine,
so to not disappoint myself

Pain is always most tangible when brushed over in the periphery of our thoughts

This island princess
Do not touch her, you monster
She belongs to us

Every freckle, scar, tattoo
has it's place
It's somatic,
romantic
that something is with you until the end


n.v.

I think after this break
my body has forgotten how to hold the strain

and that's why I'm tired because all these responsibilities are piled back on with no adjustment


n.v.

you are nervous and anxious and tired and confused and that's okay.

What you need to do is just be kind. Laugh, let go of your worries.
Work, be productive.
Do things that will leave you happy in the long run, as well as the short.


Remember that life is short, although the worst days are long
and when you think back to these problems in two years
they will be dust.

n.v.

The ocean changes
As I ran past it was exciting, wild, choppy
It energised me and I
wondered whether I could do that

Change, one day be calm
And the next, enigmatic,
beautiful, interesting, crazy

And then I realise that the ocean still
abides by it's tides
And I will never be who I am not

Falling in love is diving under
You turn around and it is bearing down
You go

Take a breath and you are immersed
The excited serenity as you float
Eyes open

But soon it turns to stifling pressure
Too much, you need air
As you surface, the debris hits you
The crashing sound fills your ears

And you surface with an aching body and
stinging eyes

These hips.
They are crooked, wide, pale and
beautiful. They will bear children and keep me walking.

Massive thighs that I would wish to shrink
are now the reason I can get up these stairs
They hold power and life

and my stomach with it's wrinkles,
it's dips, *****, spots
It keeps me upright

n.v.

Earlier in my life
I had a black list of all the hate
that I had reserved only for myself

Now that I have grown and changed
And become crooked
I realise that every flaw that touches me
Is what I love the best


n.v.

I want a niche, a hobby, a habit, a speciality,
A Thing

I want to know myself, to be loved, to consume and to clutch
And for people to know who I am

Because it seems that all I am is a few words
sprinkled on a page and I want more.


n.v.

In the strength of her back I see her burdens
Something's got to give

This sweat stinks like salt and the sea
That's where we go when we have no other direction
And skim rocks until our minds are blurred and merged
At home we lie in our beds until our minds are blank of the other

Symmetrical face, so out of place with these animals
You stand on that pedestal, wondering why you can't reach me
You're too much, and I'm definitely not enough


nv

I don't think I'd be happy to die
But I'm too sad to live

I love you because you are funny,
talented,
beautiful,
And you use those powers for good instead of for evil.

I feel as if this is my last hurrah,
which is exhausting, but a relief.
A huffing breath after crying.

Everything I know is falling into place.
Yet the sadness stays.
And that is how I know I will never change,
and that this is goodbye.

n.v.

The cliches are all too familiar,
With their sappy glow and clean cut truth

I still live with her smile
But I roll my eyes at sappy rom coms
And change the channel at the kiss

I live for the moment
When I see you
Eyes drifting
When we have strawberry lemonades that are half frozen and turn our lips pink
And we can't breathe because we're laughing too much

I'm irony wrapped up
And tied with a silver ribbon
You can't fight biology
But you sure as hell can try


n.v.

I have lots of unhealthy coping mechanisms
They stop me from doing worse

And in the middle of the night
Where I am unsure whether I am awake
I think on how many people like me
Really
I think it's just you

I'm eternally lonely and blessed with the knowledge
That many lonely people die alone
It's science

I have a weird look on my face
and everything aches a bit.
I remember those days
as you remember light
when you are consumed in darkness.

Animated, a world away
untouchable in it's shimmering glory
Our days.


n.v.
Your pillow still smells like you
and that weird chinese shampoo you used to use
But that's okay,
because it's you

You asked me to speak the truth
The truth, the one and only truth
But honestly it's harder than this

A pathological liar needs
Some freedom
To sugar her lips

A thousand words
And a thousand lies
And better if none of them
Contain goodbyes

So I'll smile
And wait
For you to understand
Because in the end they always do


n.v.

My jeans are as frayed as I am
Go flying in the breeze
Faded, jaded, disorientated
All I can do is breathe



n.v.

She licks honey off all of her fingers
With a grin of careless optimism
only worn by the very stupid or the very wise

Her walls tell a story
A thousand pencil marks
A tally of her days living
And the days she wants to be dead



n.v.

You would murmur your kisses
Into the delicate skin under my eyes
The veins fluttering under my paper skin
Your lips like butterflies

You say I look tired
You say I toss and turn in my sleep
My dreams are filled with dark nothings
Your reassurances are starting to seem cheap

I am breakable and held gently
A brief word could knock me down
You still sit beside me
With always a faint hint of a frown

Our kisses are turning downhill, my love
Our kisses are falling downhill
Yet you are here and I am here
Together we lie still



n.v.

everything is terrible
the hollow beating of an empty drum
over and over

But it's reliable
it's dependable
and I know that it won't get any worse
it can't get any worse

high school is a drip of a tap
but I'm dreading a waterfall


n.v.

Flashes of magenta and orangered
over your twisted limbs
as you dance with your eyes squeezed shut.

Black makeup smudges, black dresses and
in the corner of my eye
you have your eyes closed on the rain and you're laughing.

I'm still observing,
but closer because you love me and I love you.
But when you think I'm not watching
you lay your head in your arms and sigh with your whole lungs.


n.v.

This girl.
She goes at random times. She leaves.
She runs so that sometime, someone,
will ask her to stay.

This boy.
He disappears without explanation.
You don't see him for days.
He withdraws so that when he finally goes, with a crap explanation
People won't be too sad.


n.v.

My hands are as broken as I am
The nails chipped, not healing
The pearl shine shimmer peeling
The cuts on them still bleeding


n.v.

And it's easier to separate out
thoughts and actions.
When you have no physical proof
of your thoughts and there is a barrier
between what is earthly and what is
a flimsy thought.

Even speaking the words,
the words of my inner.
They seem like paper planes in the rain,
billowing and then collapsing,
disintegrating on the cold concrete.


n.v.

She had a figure that was suitable in the sixties
Most days she wished she lived then
On her good nights she dressed in glamour and preened
On her bad nights she purged in bed

Her eyebrows were never quite perfect
She moved to her own vintage tune
She looks to the mirror, sees things to change
None of the creams seemed to do

'Look at me shine, I'll be a star'
She lights another cigarette
Noticing my gaze, she remains unfazed
'My body is my temple, and I've trashed the place'

She sticks her curves out
Exclaims with a pout "I need to lose 10kg'
Then she laughs it away, as if it were a game
If this is a game I know who's losing

She was taught what was important from the start
A confidant gaze, a loving heart
But nothing can outdo the art
Of 45 kilos and worth something


n.v.