"am i not enough?" wonders the moon.
for the sun arrives too late and is gone too soon.

"perhaps it is due to my muted hue.
oh, how desperately i yearn to shine as brightly as you."

it is seldom that they have an encounter,
yet the sun never fails to tell the moon he loves her.

only in his presence does she become luminous
"but alas," he says one day, "the universe disapproves of us!

"for that is the reason we are unable to meet,
i cannot come early and am then forced to leave.

"it is only when it deems fit that it allows us to align,
and it will remain that way until the end of time."

ever the faithful lovers; fingers always intertwined.
striking envy into those they passed, those they paid no mind.
sweet nothings they whispered into eachother's ears,
which became sullied with bitterness they would never hear.
contributing to one another's suffering, though it pained their little hearts.
ever the faithful lovers, never did they part.
and that was how they died; with their fingers intertwined.

what a malevolent world, to allow a monster to roam free.

the one who pounded chaos into my head
and hate into my heart.

the one who drove me to cry until i ran dry,
and made my skin sob streaks of red.

the one who left me with hideous scars,
on my mind and body alike.

the one who made pills fill me to the brim,
until the light around me became dim.

the one who convinced me i was nothing and no one,
that pain was all i had to fall back on.

what a cruel world, to let a monster roam free;
knowing full well that monster is me.

you told me i should've died
words you spoke with great conviction.

yet, you forced me to the hospital;
what a contradiction.

i always envied the birds in the sky.

to have wings so powerful that they can carry you above the clouds,
to have the option of an escape whenever you get lost in the crowds;

i envied them.

then i began to think,
perhaps i too can fly.

so here i stand, two feet on the ledge.
i glance down at the pavement, soon to be cracked red.

averting my gaze to the birds in the sky,
i step off, knowing full well i won't fly.

redundant and replaceable,
like a wilted flower, waiting to be picked.
because i know that nothing but terror lies beyond.
as desperate as i am to convince myself that i am significant,
this malevolent cycle always brings me back to the same place.
the self-deception was refreshing while it lasted,
for it placed rose-tinted glasses upon the bridge of my nose,
distorting reality and planting within me a seed of malicious hope.
a seed that has always contorted into a sprout of desolation.
it grows until its vines enfold my heart and mind,
and to my bittersweet surprise
i am shaken to the core as i snap back into clarity.

forgive me.

for every drop of poison i spit,
for every glare i impale you with,

forgive me.

for every time i mercilessly tear you down,
for every time i force upon your face a frown,

forgive me.

for each time i made you think, "we'd be better off without her."
for each time you wanted to say, "could you be any more sinister?"

forgive me.

for every single tear i cry as i write this,
for every stab in my throat as i hold the sobs in,

forgive me.

i should know to not make the same mistake twice.

as i sit here pondering over where i went wrong
and where i didn't do right
the familiar feeling of regret clenches my chest
threatening to suffocate me from the inside out.

as i rest my head in my hands
i ask myself
"why?"
i seek something - anything - to blame
and yet, it only ever comes back to me.

me.
and me.
and me again.

the thought echoes throughout my mind
as it has done hundreds of times before.

the problem is me.

this longing for change only comes about when i'm drowning.
i take in lungfuls of bittersweet regret.

i should know not to do it twice
but here i am
bearing the pain of the same mistake

listen to my words then look me in the eyes
tell me the poison i spit doesn't take you by surprise.

i know it's overwhelming  and unexpected
my true colours you never could've predicted.

i notice now; that time is near
it's time i once again disappear.