i have to hide
i have to let go
before i let
the people know
what destruction
and horror i bring
what guilt eats
at my very being

they want what's mine
and it can never be yours
but i gave him away
like a round of applause
the crowd loved it;
i hear them so
my parts have been parted
and i reap what i've sown

you told me
you loved me
so why did you go away?
the moment
you walked through that door
you walked out of my life
like a wildfire
across the forest
burning leaves
eating away at everything
leaving patches of green and brown
flaked with gray
with enough to rebuild itself
but not quite enough motivation
to continue growing
to continue living
because all is for naught.

I went away
To the sky,
Where the clouds are high and the sun shines
Where every drop of water
And every spectrum of light
Screamed your name
And how your every touch felt

I went away
To the sea,
Where the waves kissed the shore
Every time it was pushed back
It came around again,
Like how I feel when you leave me in the crowd,
But I always find my way back to you

I went away
To the caves,
Where every echo sounded like a cry for help
Every time I don't feel your arms
And your tight embraces
Where the spires seem to accuse me
Of asking too much of the world

I went away
To the mountains,
Where the skies are close
And I could whisper my wishes unto the clouds
Where I could scream at the top of my lungs
Every single thing that I hate and release them
But your name never came out

I went away
To the sky, to the sea, to the caves, to the mountains
I went away to untether myself
But in the end,
I always come home to you.

i miss the sea and its gushing waves
its roaring canals and hollow caves
its fishes of color and stories of old
the secrets of the deep, so hidden, so cold

the way the waves swing back and forth
cradling me to sleep
the way it did from birth
to the end of the life i keep

i miss its loving embrace
its tranquil waters
a place where there is no haste
and the soul becomes calmer

but on the other hand
we both know what we'll choose
and just like the sea, i yearn the land
to be once more with you.

a long time ago
not so far away
i was broken
soon,
i was fixed
company was my strength
among it I was content
and even then
i could feel reality
eating away at the fabric of my soul
people would comfort me
people would suffice
their stories
making my dreams
soar and fly

but
no one’s willing to do that now you know
there might be a time
when people would
but not now

no one would be there
if I cry
if I stay
if I die
if I fail

in the end
no one would be there
to see my face
when the casket falls to the ground
and leaves without a trace

a few years later
no one still would bat an eye
when my last breath has been breathed
no thought resurfaces
of news about the boy
who left because he wanted to stay

he wanted to stop
thinking
and this was the only way
he deemed acceptable
to make it so

when you arrive
i smile a lot
despite the ache
i feel inside

i think to myself
is that what you think?
but to all the world
i'd hide

i hated you before
but i love you the most
and still you refuse
to see

how it pains me
to see you go
and leave the rest
of me

what about words,
the things that you said
that made me hope
for more?

you say you're leaving
cause you're never the first
but i'm not even an option
at all.

to me you're the prime
above all else
but it hurts that
you don't see

you'll bring my heart
the moment you leave
and there on the floor
i'll bleed

we never had something
and it pains me so
you never made a move
and now you're ready to go

but here i am
begging you to stay
and all in my life
i've never stooped so low

i hope when you leave
i hope when you're there
you'll remember what you
read and be able to say

"I wish I never left
Cause this is now where I belong
And here I went
When I was there supposed to stay."

pain.
that is what I am.
drifting in a sea of nothingness,
pain inflicted upon my physical body.

deprived.
that is what I feel.
robbed of my position, of my place,
of my people, and of my power.

nothing.
that is who I am.
in the end,
aren’t we all?

love.
the very thing I loathe.
the emotion that creates so much,
but destroys even more.

whispers escape her dry lips
her words hung in the air
“When sadness was the sea,
You taught me how to swim,”
she said.
but you let me drown.

darkness.
that is all you will ever see
when you look in my eyes.
because you have robbed me
of the light
i once had.

or are my eyes reflecting,
refracting,
peering into
your soul?
for all there ever was
was darkness.

if love is so cruel
then why try it at all?
you could just
hide your heart forever
and keep it locked up and cold
deep within you

if love is so heavenly
then why does it feel like hell?
tell me how heavenly it is
after you ask the millions
how their heart got shattered
and stepped on so bitterly

it's true that
love is the most savage monster of all
but it is also
the kindest force

it may destroy
but it also heals

now tell me
how do you find love?
the answer has always been
so simple
you will find love
where you least expect it.

my mind goes back
to the night of july 25
when you told me the truth
and not a single lie

you opened your doors
and so did mine
i entered your world
and everything felt fine

i let you in
but you locked me out
i thought you were rain
but you turned out to be drought

i hate what happened
how you left me with grime
i hate it so much
that it even makes me rhyme

i thought you were real
but you turned out to be fake
instead of burning love
you filled my heart with endless hate

now i choose to let go
to release and to write out
relieve myself from woe
and choose a different route

now i send this poem to you
and hope that you've healed your scars
that you'll find someone true
to whisper promises under the stars