i miss you
and
im hurting

Because of you,
I yearn for any touch that can wipe yours out of my pours.
Your sickly sweet words impale my mind, already rot with uncertainty.
Because of you,
Lucy, Molly, and that sassy ***** are my best friends.
Who needs people when you can just get high instead?
Because of you,
I can't walk down the street without shuddering at the thought
of seeing you
just
around
the corner.
Because of you,
I tried to **** myself.
Just to rid your face from the inside of my eyelids,
and pull each syllable of your voice from my eardrums.
I wanted to badly to let the wheel roll to the left
And my momentum carry me over the cliff side.
But yet,
Here I am today.
Because of you,
I can't be free
Because of you,
I can't be whole.

you are a virus
coursing through my body
i am being infiltrated by your infection
i want to purge you from my system
the way i do with the contents of my stomach
and the blood from my veins

the mere thought of your existence
sends my heart into a deadly frenzy
if i were to be hooked up to a monitor
its pace is that of a stampede of shell shocked horses
who's hooves pound their way into my skull
creating intricate spider webs of cracks throughout

i feel coated in your intoxicating scent
sticky, sickly sweet
invading my cells
i am plagued by you
the thought of you
the smells tastes and touches of you

no matter how long i sit
emptying my feelings into the toilet
and no matter how deep i cut
with the razor sharp edge of your existence
you will still be there
haunting me
for you have found a way
to tinge me and
to alter my very dna

If I were to have a daughter
I would name her Nova
and I would want her to know
that she, a star reborn
is more powerful than anything
Once the universe collapses
and the dust floats down to earth
It collects back together
and creates her
The stars live in her skin
and the moon cascades from her hair
She is the sky condensed
and is not just any girl

I have crafted a glass orb
around myself
It floats
on the sea with me, inside
A hurricane rages
and
I watch on as it rocks me to and fro
The wind screams  
churning the waters
As faceless figures rise
from the depths
to pound against my shell
Searching for the safety of my shelter
I see their bodies morph
into those that I know
The blank faces mold
into recognition
Now my loved ones claw at the glass
Their nails scratching
and picking away
at my serenity
Their combined efforts start to crack the glass
Water rushes in and engulfs me
I am no longer safe
From my bubble of peace to the angry waters
We all drown
together

Some days-
I am made of
defective stardust and sadness.
I am all the leftovers
the broken bits and
torn up afterthoughts
all smushed together.
I am queen of the pile
marked "to be trashed"
And-
I am ruler of
the misfit oddities.
I am a collection of puzzle pieces
not meant to fit
but yet shoved together
creating jagged edges and
lumps sticking out all over.
My skin is rough as sandpaper
and my voice a harsh bray.
I am meant to be tagged
"50% off"
because I sell my own self short.
I am a singer without a voice
and an artist with no inspiration.
I am no ones favorite.
Nor what comes to mind when
you're asked
"who makes you happiest?"
I am the leftover food
forgotten
at the back of the refrigerator.
And I am everything lost under the bed
collecting dust and cobwebs.
But other days-
I am a goddess in my own skin.
I make flowers smile
and oceans laugh.
I am made of the Milky Way
and all your favorite constellations.
I am six feet of
gloriousness.
And you can't help
but notice me glow.
I wish-
all my days were spent this way.
But there is no house
without a basement.
Or bright days
without some shadows.
So I just have to remind myself
on the days I spend
more often than not
alone, and toxic.
That tomorrow will be better.
And I'll find my beauty again.

there are burn holes in my skin where you touched me
i wish i could rid your smell
from my clothes
but it clings on like
cigarette smoke to my hands
i want to drink 6 cups of bleach
and brush my teeth with powdered lye
but even that wont scrub you
from the walls of my heart
i dont even love you anymore
but yet here you are
still haunting me
everywhere i go
you follow
and everywhere i hide
you find me
leave me alone
leave me alone
leave me
alone

I have lived seventeen years, but I do not know how many more
I will last through
I am not an adult, yet I am treated like one
and punished just the same
I do not want or deserve these responsibilities, but like an adult
I have no choice
I am not an adult, but still I must turn a brave face
and hold back my fears

I am still a child, scared,
alone
Trapped behind a facade of serenity
At night I shed this skin and scream out silently
as to not disturb my jailors
I am still a child, hurting,
confused
I crave rewards and positive gestures
Not these broken hearts
and scattered pill bottles

I am not an adult, but I must meet the
expectations of one

I am still a child, lost,
cold

The constant stream of slamming doors
and shouting echos
washes over me
I am losing my grasp

I am not an adult, but they expect me
to stay afloat

I am still a child, and I
cannot swim

F.G.
she is the sun
blindingly bright
her laugh fills a room with sparks
and her smile ignites a wildfire
red is her color
the red of mountain roses
and the embers of shakily rolled cigarettes
she smells of incense and honey suckle
and warm is her heart
constant reassurance of beauty and grace
she is my wild child
my forest sprite
straight from the start


G.D.
she is my moon
shrouding me in serenity
darkness surrounding
holding me tight
she pulls the tides of my heart
to and fro
here we go
wrap me up and settle
her color is black
but it's the black of the deepest ocean and
it's the black that holds you close in the middle of the night
she keeps you safe
and protected
she is the wolf
always watching
always there
forever mine

Today I smoked a cigarette
and another
and another
and another
Until my lungs felt as burnt out as my heart
And my heart felt like the cold ashes settling after the fire has been choked out
My best friend is my cat
Because humans walk around with scissors for mouths
And each hurtful word snips another string
From my head to my heart
Making my head sink lower
and lower
and lower
To the ground
If I keep my eyes down
Then I won't have to see the venom seeping from their eyes like tears
Dripping to the ground
Burning the soles of my feet
Like the thoughts I keep unspoken
Searing through my body until they reach my stomach
Twisting into knots
Every step a punch to the gut
And every breath a fight to hold back the bile
The bile that is my mind
Trying to break through the jail I have kept it in
The jail of thoughts stitched together into an impossibly high wall
You're not good enough
You're not pretty enough
You're not enough
Making my mind lose itself
Trying to escape
By attacking my physical being

I write about real things
I write about things that happen
Things that I see
Things that I feel
I write about my emotions
I write about my life
I write about being ****** up
Being not enough
Being too much

I wish I could write about more
I wish I could write something new
Something exotic
Something mesmerizing
Anything outside my realm
But my head is so boring
My life so average
No wonder no one is interested

my mind is churning
but my paper is blank
how could you
how could you
how could you
i need you
i need you
i need you
why did you ignore me but keep talking to her
why didnt you tell me what happened
why am i not enough
i need you

Heed the meadowlarks cry
You are worth more than you think
I want you with me
But
You push me away
As if I am nothing more than the worm being eaten
By the meadowlark
And you sit by
Watching me being devoured

All I do is annoy
Annoy
Annoy
I try so hard to impress and comply
But nothing I say is right
And nothing I do is good enough
My body is built from rubble and mud
Nothing graceful or fine

My hair is tangled branches
My lips cracked and creviced
I fill up too much space
And take up too much time
I'm not worth anything
To anyone
At any time
In any place
As soon as I leave they all breath a sigh of relief
She's gone
Finally

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But words will always hurt me.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder
And while you were gone,
I came to realize how much you mean to me.
I've never felt a love as strong as this.
You are home.
You are peace and tranquility.
You are comfort, you are joy.
I'm in best friend love with you,
But it's even more than that.
You make me feel whole,you make me feel worth something.
You make me feel like I matter.
Your smile, your laugh, your glow.
You're everything, my everything.

I've never felt a love like this,
And I'm never letting go.

They don't look at me the way they do the others
Fiona is exuberant, lively, charming
Gaia is mysterious, intriguing, potent
Lexie is exotic, eye-catching, memorable  

It's as if I'm plain and simple. Nothing extraordinary.
Nothing that they would want.
Nothing anyone wants.

The moon rises as the sun sets.
My love for you grows as my love for myself fades.
I pick flower petals, taking their life but press them to conserve the beauty.  
As I die I keep myself compressed so you can't see the insides rotting.
I'm infected by the plague.
I wish I could take a flame to my skin and burn of the parts of myself I dislike, but then there wouldn't be any of me left.
I wish I could swallow a cup full of acid to melt away the thoughts of not being good enough, but then my mind would be gone.
I wish I could cover my body in acrylic paint, so that maybe then I would like the way I look, but there's not enough paint in the world to keep my eyes from seeing my reflection in the mirror.
I wish I could see myself through others' eyes.
I wish I could become a tree, and stretch my branches into the sky to soak in the sun and invite other creatures to take safety in my branches.
I wish I could be the sea, to have my presence give life to all others.
I wish I could be the moon, to watch the pulsing energy of life passing by below me and have the power to pull the tides to and fro.
I wish I could be me, and happy at the same time.

You're using again
but I should have expected it
Things were going too well
for too long
Of course something had to go wrong
I just didn't think it would be you
Think of your kids
We can't do it for you

Today I lost you.
Today I lost my glow,
my smile,
my laugh.
Today I lost my sun,
my moon,
and all my stars.
The words you wrote
punctured my heart.
Each letter pushed the blade in deeper,
each syllable a twist of the knife.
Today I lost you.
Today I lost myself.

Corroded and corrupt minds
Blather away at accompanying tables.  
Loose lips tell tales of loose hips and wide smiles.
The chortle together, mimicking that of a ****** of crows.
Their chairs creak and moan under the weight of their girdles.
Fat men of lowly stature
Tell exuberant narratives of lives never truly lived.
Each one trying to out do the others,
With words longer than their *****.

I am not a concept.
I am not an idea.
I am a woman,
with eyes that see yours wandering up and down my body.
And ears that hear the calls from across the street.
I am not a prize,
to be won by the strongest competitor.
I am a woman,
with ******* not for your entertainment.
And legs longer than your desire.
I have feelings,
even when I'm not on my period.
One day I hope to find someone that can respect my body as it's meant to be,
and not as a blow doll that's kept in the closet until he's ***** and needs something to ****.
I am a woman.