Today was my first good day.
I took some pills
to numb the pain away.
They helped me focus too.
I focused on my work so much in fact
that I didn't stop to think of you.
Then at twelve
I took a break to get high,
I wanted to feel light.
I didn't zone out
or get tired
because the pills kept my mind rolling.
I didn't think of death.
I didn't think of pain.
I didn't even contemplate how I ruined us.
I thought of beautiful people,
analyzed the flaws of capitalism,
even reopened an old book.
For the first time since you left,
I didn't feel the urge to run away.
I again longed to be my best self.
I enjoyed the company of others.
I didn't crave being alone.
I felt today,
for the first time since you broke me,
the corners of my mouth
curve up to form a toothy smile.
And today I heard myself laugh again.
I thought,
that maybe today,
I broke out of the oblivion of depression
that you single handedly locked me in.
But then I was reminded,
that these magic pills of mine
mimick happiness.
I realized then,
that the only way
to escape manmade oblivion,
is to stitch yourself into the ever present
fabric of death.