I'm sorry it has come to this
but my time has come to pass
19 going on 90
and I can no longer remain.

But for you,
dawn will bring another day
until your day arrives
to take you home.

Perhaps then we'll meet again
in a heaven
or a hell
or someplace where the gone must go.

I closed my eyes
before I went
to save you
that final ache.

My stiffened limbs
I've kept them whole
so you could have
a body to hold.

bloodless and cold
I will go
as I have lived
and I have felt.

Don't mourn your loss
for nothing has left
but the breath it had become
so hard to draw.

Celebrate my absence
for all it means is that I can sleep
as I have never slept before
no wicked things will haunt my dreams.

For the dead can dream no more.

Lie in bed
Breathe
Breathe

Focus on it
In
Out

Don't focus on not focusing
just focus

Don't think
About not thinking

I Can't

Then sleep
Just sleep

8PM
too early

I Can't

Lights off?

No, I know
that as long as the lights stay on, I'm safe.
From all the images in my head.

Knives
Blood
Gore

That I like to think I am capable of
but I am not.

I Can't

I'm Cold.
Too cold to get out of bed
to find the pills
to find the alcohol
to find the substance

that I know
will finally make
the thinking stop
and switch the lights off

and I won't be scared
of the images in my head
because there won't be any.

I Can't

Five star notebook
for my three star rhymes
Joke's on me, actually
for thinking I might stand out
among other owners
of five star notebooks
who also jot down
three star rhymes
or maybe four?
who am I to judge?
Not even qualified
to criticize

Not that one needs a degree in cynicism.

Lipstick stained cigarette
Lipstick stained coffee cup
I want to see
how you'd look
If you took your lipstick off

There we go
That's better now
Go on- more
Wipe off that mask

I want to see who you are

You're still beautiful

Wipe off the eyeliner
Take that mascara off
Oops, now your eyes are all smudged
Let me help you out
with that

Do you mind
if I touch your face?
I just want to see who you are.

We're all clowns a little bit
Hiding in our makeup bags

You're still beautiful

But I see your posture slip
Your shoulders slump
a little bit

Have I wiped away
the strings
that held
your body straight?

Have I washed off
all the colors
that kept your chin up?

Have I washed off

Most of who you are?

Intolerable,
I suppose.
46 more days
intolerable, long, hot, stretched out days.
46 more days
of being intolerable
because every day crawls by
crawls so slowly
like a shot in slow-motion

on pause

Crawling to Hitch a Ride
these long slow days are going to
hitch a ride
on the back of a snail
46 days.
There have been
46 days left
for the past 46 days.
I envy every person
in every plane
that is flying away from here
from me
because apparently I am intolerable.
Here's news for you:
YOU are intolerable.

**** it.

I'll nap the 46 days away
anything is faster
than
Crawling to Hitch a Ride on the Back of a Snail

Pinstriped suit
Black briefcase
clink of heels
On marble floors
imposing glass walls
Emails coming in
Emails coming in

Slacks and a tshirt
Powderblue backpack
Red hightops
on gravel
lockers on walls
Students coming in
Students coming in

Oak desk
Open door
Client comes in
Check the emails
"I want a divorce"
turn to the client
turn to the client

Blackboard
Open door
Students stream through
Smile in greeting
"Recess 'aint long enough"
Open up textbooks
Open up textbooks

Client cries
Keep professional poise
nod in understanding
Show no weakness
"He won't sign the papers"
Just nod
Just nod

Students protest
explain over the noise
try to make them love it
show no weakness
"who cares abour 1945?!"
I care
I care

Go home
Collapse onto the
Black leather sofa
in front of
the plasma screen TV
Instant noodles for dinner
Instant noodles for dinner

Go home
Collapse onto the
stained, worn-out fouton
the kids badger
for some television time
Put the roast in the oven
Put the roast in the oven

The neighbors open
their doors
turn to watch yours
remian tight shut
Noone to expect
Noone to come home to
Noone to come home to

The key turns
in the lock
turn to see
him walk in
bag of groceries in hand
Dinner's almost ready
Dinner's almost ready

TV programs over
Noodles devoured
papers signed
emails replied to
slip into bed
In bed alone
In bed alone

Children fed and bathed
television switched off
homework assistance provided
papers graded
husband made love to
Someone to hold on to
Someone to hold on to

Bathtub full of
Cranberry scented foam
Water's cold now
Body's cold now
Cold blade on Cold marble floor
So much blood
So much blood

Alarm goes off
Wake the children
Pack the lunches
Make the breakfast
Read the paper
Such a sad sad suicide
Such a sad sad suicide

Bathtub full of
Cranberry scented foam
Water's cold now
Body's cold now
Cold blade on cold marble floor
So much blood
So much blood

Hold him close
So much warmth
Hold the kids tight
Transfer body heat
Why did she die?
She had it all
She had it all

Nobody to inheret
The condo with a view
The money in the bank
The diamond earrings
the workload
Nobody to miss
Nobody to miss

Hold him close
So much warmth
Hold the kids tight
Tarnsfer body heat
Why did she die?
She had nothing
She had nothing

I’d had an awful feeling
about that night shift that you did
tried to keep you at home
“How will we feed the kid?”
nine months heavy
with a baby who would’ve been yours
You shouldn’t have taken that night shift
even if we’d have been
120 bucks short.
It was seven in the morning
and your shift was almost done.
Why did you insist on fighting?
Did you know he had a gun?
We thought the baby
Would be our biggest mistake
too young to raise a child
and our futures were at stake.
Now I know
the baby
is nowhere near our greatest fault.
It’s not stopping you from taking that
night shift
that I’ll spend my days regretting.
120 measly dollars that
you had to go off to earn
so that I could get
that phone call.
You know your funeral cost more
much more
that the money that you made
Do you know I hate you?
I hate you
and I wish I’d never met you.
I would’ve never gotten that call.
I’d wanted you cremated
for two reasons:
I wanted you to burn.
Burn as bad as my ears did
when I got that call.
Also, so that I wouldn’t have to think
of you
spoiling, rotting, dying countless deaths
in a box
in the ground.
So there would never be a gravestone
so that I’d never have to see your name
carved there
the only part of you
immortalized.
Do you know who called me?
Your mother
She was incoherent.
You’re so selfish.
I hate your rotting guts.
We were so scared that our baby
would compromise our futures
and now we don’t have one.
This baby is the only reason
that I haven’t come after you.
Do you know I kissed you?
Your lips were cold.
Did any part of you outlast your mortal flesh
and feel me kiss you?
Do you ever watch me and our little girl playing in the park?
Who was right? You or I…
I want to believe you now
believe in your heaven
and believe in your God.
Because if I was right
there’s nothing left of you
but rotting flesh.
Your shift was almost over.
Did you know he had a gun?
Did he know you were about to be
a daddy?
Would he have cared?

I miss you.