Auction it off
To the lowest bidder
Your heart
Still warm from my cautious embrace
Mine
Freshly ripped from my chest
I’ll stand at a distance
Wishing I had more
Than my everything

All I want to do is kiss him
But he doesn’t sleep well
So I guess I’ll wait
I’ll lie here envying the air visiting his lungs
Making sounds of polite shutters on a slightly breezy day

When I listen to this man
I envision a house
A house loved, lived, strong
The gentle breeze entering through spacey windows
Encouraging reflections embraced
The shades failure to with hold the sun in its weakened hours

My health is in question
everythings in the air
when everything comes at a price
And I don’t know what to do
At least my days begin and end with you

My past has left wounds
not yet scars
Rooms filled with desire
Just to be wanted
No one else can feel the suffocating pressure
Their world is unknown to me
The mysterious and haunting sense of belonging
Alone. In a crowded room.

Im hurting in deep dark crevices
Their voices at varied volumes.
I scream stop. Please stop
Sometimes until I fall asleep.
They sparingly listen when I angrily tell them to shut up
They throb as reminders force their way into my head
I’m ok.
I’m ok when they stop.
I’m ok when I’m with you.
I’m scared of the moments I’m left alone
Your voice speaks louder
You remind them I am loved
But beneath you they continue to whisper
Reminding me of what limitations that have been set on me.
Who and when I cannot love
Setting timers and dates
Taunting Expirations
You unknowingly have joined them
Reinforcing how long I can love you
I’m silently screaming
Trying to make my voice louder
Remind you that I love you
Stop. Please stop.
I’m ok when I’m with you

I place my hand on your head
And I grow numb
I move myself along your body
You disappear
Gone before I can ever truly lose you

Can you feel it baby
As I hold you tonight
Can you feel everything I can’t say
Can you feel the pain in the strength of my embrace
Can you feel me slowly slipping away

Can you hear me baby
When I say you’re all I need
Can you hear my pleas from the miles you place between us
Can you hear echos of loneliness lying in your room
Waiting for you to come home

Do you even care baby
Your absence leaves me knotted up inside
Is it wonderful to come home to someone baby
Someone to keep your bed warm
To keep your dishes washed
Someone to slip into

I feel it baby
My loneliness made vocal
It doesn’t matter baby
That’s what you say
But not out loud of course.

I’ll try you say.
As if you haven’t tried before
As if you’re life has no other paths
Here I am
Paving roads for you
And all you do is come and go.

My love with you
a push a pull
A screaming loneliness
a whispering plea for solitude
A carnivorous hunger  
The prayer after a purge

Sitting here waiting for you to come home
Waiting.
Just like I said I wouldn’t.
How did I begin to make my life all about you
And who am I when you aren’t here.
Punctured
An empty shell
Once full of life
My own life
I think.

My friend
I remember you
You use to whisper to me.
I guess I’m writing because I miss the abuse
I miss your sharp jabs
The ones that kept me up at night.
You went away because I found someone
He’s kind and beautiful
And is never home on time
But you.
You were always there weren’t you?
Cruel and ugly
But Present.
You hurt me
And I didn’t hurt others
In your absence, my friend,
I have become cruel and ugly
Impatient and cold
I have your face now
I don’t recognize who looks back at me in the mirror
I guess I never really have.
This life my friend
My gift to you
Just please take the pain as well

Your hope lies in the past with familiar pieces
You rack your brain trying to make them fit again
Though proven wrong twice before.

I cannot return to my past
You are not there
And I neither for you
But if there lies your happiness
Then there you shall be
For I am your present
I am your future
But never shall I be your past

I know there’s a part of your life
That no matter how hard and far I try
I will never reach
Often times that’s easier to swallow than others

You’re in love with pieces of your past that don’t fit together anymore

I try to scavenge for answers in your words
But I come out hungrier
Thirsty for blood within your answers

You wake me up
Tell me you have to go
Disentangle.

I told you no.
I need you to stay
I lock on tighter

I try to find the strength to let you go
But I only discover a war to have you stay

Somehow I release

You ask me if I’m ok.
Tears begin rushing down my face.
I lie.
You have to know I lied.

I nod yes
You mutter have tos
composed of dollar signs
hopes of smiles and rainbows

You leave and I disappear
Shrunken into tears
Overcast skies
I told you no.

This isn’t my life
But it’s perfect for someone
He loves me
I love him
The Kids as well
This isn’t my life but I’d give it to you
As long as he didn’t have to feel anymore pain
As long as you were enough to make him not miss me.
I made him love me
When he told me he didn’t want to
It’s my fault
I made him fall
He’s perfect for someone
I want it to be me
I need it to be me

A **** life
And you’re included
But of course
That isn’t what he meant

His eyes glued to the tv screen
A chuckle
An occasional complimentary look
Every evening
But you’re not included

I want to kiss you
And when I am able to block out the noise that tells us the commercials ended
I want you to keep kissing me
I want you to get lost
Like I’m trying to do in you
But your glances elsewhere
Your repetitive comments of your exhaustion
Push me back
It’s only me
But I’m trying
**** I’m trying
I’m trying to sew myself to you
To plant myself inside you
Where no one else can
Touch us.
But you can touch us can’t you
You can touch me
And my touch is invisible.
Dissolved or whisped away
Im not quite sure.
There are other things in this world
The things that steal your gaze
That demand your presence.
Im right in front of you
Looked over
I drift further and further away.

Baby I can see better from way out here
From the trenches I yelled for you to breath
As I tried to gasp for air myself
I fought a tireless battle
Too close for vision
I couldnt see you drowning
Water filling both our lungs
Baby I couldn’t see you drowning
I can’t.
I can’t.
I can’t.
Baby. I couldn’t hear you
All I could see was I wouldn’t

He leaves through the door
unaware of when he will return
For hes fighting wars unknown
He’s a soldier of sorts
but mostly
A slave to his mind

Sweetheart this weight is too heavy
And I belong to too many
And if it were better baby
I still couldn’t be you  
But Baby I love you
And I don’t want you to go

Does he know who you are?
Does he know what he has?
You sit in silence
Pain within
does he know your seeping scars?

Does he know your empty arms?
Does he know where you are?
You wonder round
Lost again
Does he know your aching heart?

Do you know his trembling lips?
Do you know his careless steps?
His dying words
His fraudulence
Do you know who this man is?

Do you know his prying eyes?
Do you know his fingertips?
Curled in his palm
Hurting you
And hurting him

Do you know the healing path?
Do you know the weight within?
Sinking down
Covered round
Do you know what freedom is?

I killed myself for you
You have the audacity to parade around
Taking the same steps home everyday
While I lie in the road waiting to be stepped on once again
How dare I assume that through me would allow another open path
I had nothing you wanted
Maybe I was just a place you visited
A ******* tourist trap
I reeled you in and you saw hope
But you have to return home somehow
You won’t know the emptiness you’ve left
The worlds attempt to make you stay
But you left as carelessly as you stayed

One day I hope to see beauty in a sunset
Without a reminder of the beauty you saw in me
I hope to look back and not want you
Because of the beauty I saw in you
Because of the beauty I felt in you.

Laying here
I'm overwhelmed
This world is too big
without you
I'm drowning in it's endless space
in my ceaseless sheets

I fall when you're not.
We've been struggling
trying to juggle.
Flesh.
Or maybe that's just you.
Yeah it's just you.
You say you need more
trying to live
close to God.
You need Him
you say.
I guess I just don't want Him.
He's not you.

Time is rushing by
A sly grin taunting me on its way through
Reminding me that there will be a time
That I won't have you
I know
You've slipped through my fingers
time and time again

I watch our stories
built all around us
but that isn't you
it's not even me

I feel your lips caress my skin
your grasp as we become one
that was never us
it's never even been me

I miss the nights
engulfed in your presence
but you weren't there
and neither was I

Struggle.
After you.
I need to shower
but I want you on me
as long as you can be

We are a truth made of lies
and I'm afraid
Finally
You'll make an honest man
out of you

Take my shoes
They are too big to fill
I hate myself
There is no where else for me to go

What happens when "we" no longer fits
when I and me feels so alone

When it's no longer we
to where do I go
these memories lead no where
I and me

When all we are
becomes now we are not
to where do I go?

When all we are
becomes just me
to where do I go?

So hold me like you want me
but you cant
you try
you do
just as long as you don't squeeze too tight

Sometimes the pain seeps through
Eventually to break my walls once again
My nights have become reminders
of the pain hidden beneath
I didn't understand them
Betrayal
Shame
Lust
He reached out
"They are tearing down good memories"
I reply
"My memories are with you"
I hate that hotel
Take the memories
all of them.

I'm being told stories
ones that run true
the remind me of times
me and you

They all seem to **** familiar
to those feelings I'm addicted

You're not the only one gone
It's not just you that walked away
There is far too many others
just passing on through.

These are my sunflowers
they look to the sun
but some forget.
They look to me
begging for direction
but I have no clue
I wish they knew
a slight turn would make all the difference
They wont hear me
I wish they knew

I am very much neutral
not on your side
I know more of a story than yours
but yours isn't any less important
I'd like to hear yours
not just bits you'd like me to hear
I'm fighting for you
but I'm also fighting for them.

Indirectly
I speak my mind
my heart
so I can have yours.
I want you
I was us
hid from the world

I have to make a change
or I'm going to fall
not that I haven't already started.
I focus hope on maybe it's not too late
but as days progress
I find different
The images in my head replay things I fear
things that reveal my hearts state
I question where I went astray
I access what I once thought I believed
not so very long ago
only not to realize there my heart still lies
or in my mind...
or something..
It's all becoming a trend
I wish I could love you right.
I wish I did
but the genie fades
and the pain resides
like it has once before.

What are friends but wisps of wind
temporarily affecting your direction?
Triggering chills or perspiration
quickly to recover
wind makes waves
moves dust
gently combs through my hair.

Haunting memories of weeks past
a glace away
dwells lives
crumbled and fading
of people once engaged
released by a turn of a key
by a force of life
temporarily parallel with mine.
Of love
of excitement
led astray.
Of forces less than breath
yet undeterred by past or future

From where does sin stem
but from being merely human?
From what effort does mere perfection achieve
if impossibility permanently lingers?
From what extent does forgiveness fall short
or God's grace not cover?
to find love in the arms of another
to search for answers
in the opinions of other lives
that besides now
have nothing to do with you.

I still yearn for you as if the seasons haven't changed.
As if the fire hadn't destroy all that was standing before.
Yet here I sit among the charred
Wishing you'd come back through.

Somewhere inside we are still connected
somehow I believe we always will be.
I love you and I don't see that ever going away.
I seek refuge but always seem to be anchored.
I found you in the tears and pain of a little girl.
Same place I found you before.
No matter what I find that cautions me to stay away,
cannot shake whatever I have inside me.
So I keep my distance with my heart hidden away somewhere with you.
I don't know how to get it back or if I ever want it returned
I do love you but somehow it's different
I don't crave you physically
I don't need you arms wrapped around me or that sense of safety I had felt.
I can do that on my own wrapped in the embrace of those who have always held me so close.
Somehow I had forgotten them
but I can't forget you.

You taught me to trust my dreams
now you haunt them
of death
sickness
pain
Is it all from you?

This is my burden
so heavy
he won't let go

my heart
scouring
for space to beat

underneath the rubble
of friendships
relationships
partially fallen

from where does this hope come
or by what is it fueled?

I'm tired
I'm beaten
struggling to breath
from a stench of what was once on fire

I don't know who this person is
lurking out of the shadows
she proceeds with a sharp tongue
cutting down everyone in her path
she appears with comfort
another living inside me
I can't stay long

It's heavy carrying this world
All living with their own demons
yours battling mine
mine battling yours
both suffocating our angels

To my friend.....
to my love.....
To you,

I know not who you are
nor what you are to me
nor what you run from

You avoid the labels
like we have the plague
your hands behind your back
hiding hearts suffocating in your grasp
no one knows they are missing
but you like it that way

to you my love.....
            my friend....
whoever you are,
I'm there
with no name.