you don't miss him, no. you miss the feeling; the feeling of just being loved. feelings fade, though, and believe me. it won't hurt so much some day. one day. maybe it'll sting every time you see him with someone new, but you'll be okay. you'll get through the day. you, too, will find somebody new, and they will fulfill that want. that need for love.
*to just be loved.

leaves are always falling down from the trees, straying from the branches, but i never thought that you would leave me. i may have thought plenty of others would, but you- you caught me by surprise. i didn't expect your departure. i didn't expect you to just walk out the door, without a word. it was like you wanted to, like you always did, deep down inside, and i had just given you the means to escape. escape from what? my love? my care? maybe it was too much for you. maybe i was in, and you were out there, far, far out there, and it was all simply an illusion that you wanted me. that you wanted this. i suppose in that way, i'm just a sapling. i believed you were going to stay with me forever, through even the coldest of the seasons. all the eldest of trees told me you wouldn't, but i believed, for once more in my life. and i was let down, yet again.

i guess i'll have to get used to this continuous torment, until i find the ones that do stay.

i just hope it's soon. i've never hoped so much for anything.

i just want somebody to stay.

and there are a million things i wish i could hear you say,
but i won't, because you don't feel the same way anymore.
*that's okay.

i'll never stop wanting to look out for you. not even if we don't talk anymore, not even if we aren't friends anymore, not even if you hate me, not even if you had insulted me or betrayed me in the worst way possible. you could **** me, and i would still think; only the best for you. say what you will, but my care is forever. if my heart gets attached to you, it will remain there, because if i let you in. if i shared my thoughts and my feelings. you must have been one special human, and i will always have your back, i will always be there for you, i will always want your happiness, i will always want to know you are okay, and safe. i will always just care, a whole awful lot. and i could deny it, but there's never been any point in that. so just know; i care.

i don't love you. i'm in love with you, and sometimes people don't really even get the difference, but think of it this way; for a while and forever, are quite different things. one promises an always, while the other promises you a part in time.

i'd never felt that kind of love; the one
where it consumes you and makes you feel whole.
i never felt that, until i met you.

i feel so free from up here.
i'm at the edge of the balcony, holding onto the railing, just looking out into the city, with the cool breeze brushing against my face and past me...
then oh so sweetly; i have this beautiful sight in front of me.
god, i love new york.

i've always been alone.
i guess people caring, has just never been a norm for me

you know you'll never find another like me, i'm one of a kind,
so make sure you know what you're losing, when you lose me.

i tried so hard to make you feel like you could open up. i did it a lot with you, to see if it would make you feel more comfortable. i tried to showcase how nonjudgemental i was, how open minded i was, how willing i was to be friends with you again. maybe it just showed how stupid, and naïve, and pathetic i was. and maybe now you think i was never who you thought i was.

but i was always me. always. that's always been who i am. and this is also who i am. i take chances, i give people second chances, and. i wanted to spare another, but if i wake up in the morning, and i can't.

i cannot apologize for that.

life is like a pair of sneakers; you have the people who'll help you when you're down, tying up your shoes, and you have the people who will endlessly step on your laces, without a single word. keep your shoes tied, knotted a thousand times and you'll be walled off from either people. some don't even like sneakers, and prefer sandals; the easy way through life, the breezy, get stepped all over life. others prefer boots; hardened, protected, and determined to not be pushed around. the beings with the heels; they're high on their pedestals, they know what they want, they're confident, even if it's just for that one day.. everyone has their own special pair of shoes; we don't stick to just one, though, do we? phases of life, feet growing, fads. and we find people with just the same shoe taste, or perhaps just the opposite.

whatever the shoe be... *as long as it fits.

for he was what people called glorious, in all that he had done. in every century he had fought and survived, nothing less and nothing more, but he had done it all with grace. he lived through every day, what not many could do with ease. the man explored the world, ventured into cities, drank with all sorts of individuals, young and old, and he had tasted the finest wine, and slept in the most luxurious of places. but what had he been missing then, that made his soul feel so empty and weak? he had the world at his feet—but there was no love in his life, nothing true and deep, as the one he had now. for of course, you may have the world, the universe, the galaxy, but without love of some kind?

*you are nothing but lonely.

and although many wish it were true, your sadness cannot be so easily taken away. memories of your past, all the hits and the blows, those marks will never leave you; they'll linger on your skin, and those kisses they placed on every sensitive spot on your body, will not just be forgotten. 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,' is most untrue, for those scars will always bring back a blast from the past, the way you lost your ability to walk will always be a memory, and the way daddy hurt you will never fade away from your mind, as you stare down at the place those bruises once were. perhaps you will grow from them, and realize how strong you truly are for living on, but don't tell anyone, especially not me, that you'll forget about it eventually, or that you'll be fine, or that this phase of sadness will pass, or that someone will come around and brighten things up, because lord knows that, that is not what i want to hear, and it's incredibly false. my sadness cannot just be cured by some guy, my father's words of hatred will not just be forgotten, i cannot just be fine with all that anxiety, and my paranoia is not just a 20 year phase.

so please, respect at least that.

please don't be a ***** to me,
because then i'll have to be a ***** back to you,
and everyone knows i'm a lot better at it than you.

but if you really missed me, you wouldn't have pulled away for so long. i can't chase after you; it's like searching for rain as i stand in the desert, and i don't want to spend my whole life searching for something, that doesn't seem to want to be found, so when you're ready;
*you can come find me.

i thought we were friends, close ones at that, but i suppose it was just a trick of the light.

i just hope you know that you're not the only one seeing things differently; cause i could never look at you the same.

let your love flow to where the beautiful things are,
and something beautiful will always come your way.

a zombie i am, walking through the light of day without a worry or care, of what other people think cause i'll just eat all their thoughts;
*their brains.

but so many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight, but i'm just surviving. and i may be weak, but i'm never defeated. and i'll keep believing in clouds with that sweet silver lining.

and i'd pick you over me any day of the week, but someone once told me that your actions are your own; so if you're going to do something, i can't stop you, i dont have control over you; you do.
and i will control myself, because that's all i have control over, and all i need to know at this very second.
so right now, i choose me.

i can't help you fight your demons all the time,
when i'm still in a furious battle with my own.

the heart gives meaning;
the soul, purpose,
the mind, direction.

he knows i'd wait forever for him; my love is patient and kind.
but when he types i miss you a thousand times, i start to think twice.

have you ever met someone, and they're so ******* perfect in every way. maybe they aren't perfect to everybody, but to you they're just absolutely amazing. the way they laugh, and smile, and talk, and think, and look, and just everything about them, and everything they do just keeps amazing you.

have you ever met someone like that?

"why do boys look good without makeup?"
because society hasn't told boys they look bad without it.

make sure you're making the right choices, people, because when it comes to the last moment, with your life flashing before your eyes;
*you don't want to have any regrets.

you're cute when you're happy,
you're fierce when you're mean,
you're beautiful on your bad days,
and gorgeous on the ones in between,
you're stunning when you're smiling,
you're flawless while you sleep,
and you're perfect inside and out,
i'd know this,
but lemme just check,
by exploring your mouth.

don't make a big fuss out of what you don't know,
cause if you really ever cared for me,
you would just
*let me go.

they all seem to know exactly what it is they want,
they pass me,
and they smile as they go.
so i work at staying patient,
good things come to those that wait;
or so they say.

she popped out from the crowd of plastics and fakes, she wasn't the same, no; she was different.
but she was the mysteriously different. the kind of different, you couldn't help but be curious about. the one where you wanted to know more, understand what was going through that mystical mind. and so he did what any far too curious boy would do;
he went on a mission, determined to discover.

i could never let anything happen to my brother, because even if we disagree on everything else; he is the one person who has always been there for me no matter what, and i wish to do the same.

i'll never stop wanting to look out for you. not even if we don't talk anymore, not even if we aren't friends anymore, not even if you hate me, not even if you had insulted me or betrayed me in the worst way possible. you could **** me, and i would still think; only the best for you. say what you will, but my care is forever. if my heart gets attached to you, it will remain there, because if i let you in. if i shared my thoughts and my feelings. you must have been one special human, and i will always have your back, i will always be there for you, i will always want your happiness, i will always want to know you are okay, and safe. i will always just care, a whole awful lot. and i could deny it, but there's never been any point in that.

so just know; *i care.

everything seems beautiful from far away.
everything seems perfect at first glance.
everything feels just right the first time.
and everything could fall apart any night.

*any night at all.

i would swim all the oceans in this world
if it meant you would smile back at me again.

even the happiest of people, can get swamped down a hole of dismay.
*it's just a little harder.

and maybe guardian angels are real. maybe they're just hidden within ordinary people. people you call your brother, your sister, your best friends, and maybe even your partners. maybe they haven't even been discovered yet. maybe the magic they have, is the joy they bring. the way they can get you to smile in the easiest of ways, the way they sense your pain, the way they're there for you regardless of the distance you may feel between you, and them. they protect you as much as they can from the world, they keep you close, they keep you safe— at least they try to, and you know they do. they're sincere, and genuine, and they don't give you lies, you know they don't. and as modest as they may be, they know they're worth something. to themselves, to you, and to the world. though the world may have even been ******* them for it, they've been strong for you, even while giving you their strength, and being your rock.

they are not perfect. as angelic as they may be, may seem. everyone has darkness cast upon them, even the one you'd never believe. illnesses, both mental and physical, have taken a toll on this world and they can get the best of us. that's why we have those special people. that's why they have us, for guardian angels don't work alone. i don't believe that. no, because each and every one of us is a guardian angel, for others, and not just one. we all brighten people's day, we all help other's in some way, even if we aren't aware of it.

we are all made of that magic, and carry that extraordinary power.

and we all work together.

we take care of each other, for we are all of the same blood.

guardian angels we are.

the city had been a sight for sore eyes, since the day he had entered it. even before, the dreams he'd always had of it, were more than enough to keep his goals for it alive. the vivid images of him walking the streets every day, crossing them with crowds of people. the thoughts of him going to coffee with the one he loved, and enjoying nights out with a few of his friends. the busy noise he would hear just outside his dorm windows, and the adrenaline he would feel as he rushed down the halls to his next class, knowing he was probably late and the teacher would give him a glare.

the boy longed for it all, for so long and at last.

he had every single bit of it.

the city, was his.

where the wild things roam, we find ourselves in. we dream of the places we've never even been, and we hope for things that may never come,
but most of all; we want the ones who don't return the same love.