There's this feeling and it comes
from specific moments.
moments of familiarity
and peace.

I'll be driving the same road I've driven everyday for two years
and the sun shining through the trees reminds me
that I'm here and there's a reason I'm here
and there's a reason I'm here now.

I'll be sitting in the barn with boys I've sat in the barn with for hundreds of hours before
and Dylan will laugh in the way he does and Liam will strike his match the way he does
and I'll sit back and smile and be proud of this moment
I'll be proud of these people I choose to spend time with,
people that have chosen me.

I get that feeling when I look over from the passenger seat
and I'll see Fiona twirling her hand out the window the way she does
and she'll be blasting The Cars
and that's how it's supposed to be

and he smiled
but then he said "
you didn't return my call"

and I had to tell him I picked up an old habit
and he said "
what's that?"

and I told him I picked up an old habit
I told him "
I've been enjoying my solitude"

I couldn't tell him what I didn't want to tell him
I didn't want to tell him "
I think I'm depressed again"

he would have tried to help
he would have said "
Nolan, I want to help"

I would have had to tell him the truth
I would have to have said "
I'm helping myself"

through no fault of his own
I think he would not have understood

sure sure
you're mostly clean
you're mostly kind and mostly gentle
you mostly smell like coffee
but

there are those parts
that smell like cigarettes and vile
those parts that are angry and coarse
there are those parts that are unclean.

and you got
ta

be careful about shedding you
got ta be
careful about which parts you leave with others.

in her sheets, I spread the apathy
I planted my seed of filth
thankgoodnessfully she suffocated it
disposed of it
did not return it.

when you realize the vile
you gotta release the vile
and when you release the vile
you gotta be alone and
you        gotta scrub and scrub

Ahh ahhh
woah oh


escape from the heat
listen to your body
get something to eat

heartbeat lumbers
don't look in the mirror
wake from your slumber

woah oh
ahh ahhhh

you're the woman I miss
I wake up in the morning but
for my dreams I reminisce

now what in tarnations did I go and do that fer
slap that *** and then grab her
you know you want it wanna want it wanna wanna not want it but you want it

but if she cools you tonight everything's all right
oh you know this poetry ain't good and maybe it once was
maybe it once helped me fall in love
maybe may be maybe once maybe once or maybe twice
maybe thrice but prolly not
and maybe I need a smoke but prolly not
and maybe now it's time to leave
and maybe I can't find my keys
maybe their under her
sleeping upstairs
and maybe my hangover will go away before work
and maybe it'll be slow
and maybe I'll be fired how about it,
how about this and how about that
and where'd you go and why'd you go
and maybe I could changemaybe mah be mahbe if it weren't so big
and if I wasn't so small
and if I wasn't so coarse
and if it wasn't so bright
and if I could think like I used to
but nobody can reclaim their brain cells
and maybe I shouldn't have done so much acid when I was thirteen
and maybe I should stop drinking and maybe tomorrow
And maybe to,or row

Oh ahhh woah oh ah

Always there and never here

the old carrot on a rope trick
I always fall for it.

happiness is there, happiness is doing that, happiness is making that much money, happiness is sleeping with her, happiness is hanging out with them....

but
it's not.

happiness is not the carrot on the rope,
it's a state of mind.

my mother identifies as Catholic yet she always taught me that heaven and hell exist at the same time. heaven is a state of mind, hell is self pity.

and yet,

I'm seeking peace through turmoil.

I love this town, I love The Curly Wolf Espresso House, I love Thursday night karaoke at The National Hotel Bar, I love the south fork of The Yuba River, but I gotta get away.

this monotony has turned from fruitful to choking. this monotony turned its back on me.
this complacency has turned from refreshing to restricting. this complacency turned its back on me.

I've never in my life felt apathetic!
is it a curse? is it a destiny?

I told the girl I've loved for seven years that I'm moving six hundred miles away from her  and she cried in my arms. 'You can't. You can't, I need you. I need you.'

I never know what to say when somebody I love cries. I told her 'shh shh don't cry. I need to. I need to.'


my mother wishes me the best, my big sister is proud of me. I haven't brought myself to tell my little sister yet. I won't tell my friends, they'll try to throw me a party; I couldn't handle that.
My boss is giving me a recommendation, my good friend Joey is coming with me, my father hasn't returned my call.

Mother Nature knew I needed a car wash.
She gave me a car wash.

Her rains cleared the film of pollen and dust from my eyes and the pitter patter of Her rain on my roof lolled me to sleep.

It's been

two weeks and I'm still sober.
Two weeks of unwilling sleep,
yet two weeks of waking up not wishing to sleep more.

This is a battle I've fought before,
a battle I know I can win,
a battle I know I can lose.

But it's been two weeks
and She rewards me with rain.

I walked the bases loaded but Mother Nature, my pitching coach, visited the mound and told me to have fun, this is baseball remember?
The bases are still loaded and still there are no outs, but I've got two strikes on this batter and my catcher can block my curve in the dirt.

there is a whole bunch of steps,
maybe more than you can handle,
but you can't stop climbing
because That's The Way It Is.

the first floor is labeled BIRTH.
it's covered with sweet smelling blood,
you roll in the blood until you've ****** enough nourishment from your mother, then you begin to stumble.

the second floor is labeled TIKE
and this floor is fun.
the walls are covered in bicycles and scabs, grass stains and ketchup, and you don't tire of climbing the stairs this floor holds.

the third floor is called MIDDLE SCHOOL and you experience anxiety for the first time. climbing the stairs begins to feel like a chore but at the end of each flight you are rewarded with letter grades and a feel or two up a skirt.

the fourth floor is called HIGH SCHOOL and it smells like beer and vaginal excrement and you spend half your time crying and the other half doing homework and yet you somehow manage to remain Hopeful.

the fifth staircase us called GAP YEAR and it's reminiscent of the second flight of stairs except now you have Privelage to go along with your Responsibility. These stairs smell like your favorite lake and magic mushrooms and Monty Python. They feel fulfilling yet wasteful, encompassing yet misdirecting.

attentive reader, I just signed up for college 600 miles away from home, I know the next staircase is called College and it smells like beer, but I know nothing else. Wish me luck, please, I think I'll need it.