Nolan Bucsis: Poems

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Nolan Bucsis Nov 2017

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She feels like.
Somewhere I"ve been before.
And.
I can't help.
Going back.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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I remember people I see in stores.
Because.
They're the first humans I see.
After finally being forced.
Outside.
And, I hate it.
Too much intimacy.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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I would rage against that inferno.
As though I'd carve my name on destiny.
Something, permanent in a see of has beens.

But, I don't.
I just, get ****** up.
Everyone loves an underdog.
Set against infinity.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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I don't even remember.
Any happiness.
In the last half decade.
Just.
A lot of let downs.
And suicide.
Attempts.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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The pine trees sag.
Cushioned in the oh so very warm comfort.
Of the freshly fallen snow.
And, I walk.
Along the banks of a half frozen river.
Idolizing my isolation.
Engulfed in a familiar cold.
That I can bear.
For such a view.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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There are no troubling.
Thoughts.
In the emptiness.
Of another couple tranquilizers.
Far more than I could have taken.
But, how else do I feel like.
Drowning.
While I'm awake.
Other than being consumed.
By chemical apathy.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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Hope is always scarce.
In the middle of.
These doldrums.
Where the shore seems so far away
With nothing to take you there.

I've just accepted the lack.
Of forward momentum.
And wait.
To die.
Adrift at sea.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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I don't want to.
Breathe.
I just want.
To pass.
Away.
Into the absolution.
At the end.
Of the abyss.

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Nolan Bucsis Feb 2018

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I hear that low dull buzzing din.
Of my internal monologue.
Running around.

And I want out.

But, I'm sickeningly.

Meanderingly.

Bothersomely.

Alive.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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They call me a liar.
When I don't even talk.
Pretending not to comprehend.
The words.
As they're writ.
Inbetween the lines.
In my tired old life.

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Nolan Bucsis Feb 2018

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I don't remember ever having a future.
That went beyond how high can I get today.
With the poverty drawn in my ***** clothes.
On those lazy hazy sunny days I just wanted to stop.
I can't recall thinking past right now.

I wasn't supposed.
To live this long.
I was supposed to die in my own personal catastrophe.
My own holy explosion.
Found in the gutter.
Face down.

It was some subtle suicide.
That only my lucky friends managed.
To do.

There's never been anything out here.
Nothing but the barking of coyotes.
Grass green, moss painted rocks, and spear grass.
Crickets singing you to sleep.
In the abysmal doldrums.
In.
The heart of the prairie.

We just.
Die.
And in our death.
Fulfill our destiny
There's nothing out here.
Just dying slowly.
And.
Self immolation.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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I am constantly escaping.
From right now.
To get lost.
In.
Never was.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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In sleep.
All the pain goes away.
To be replaced.
With fragments.
Of her.
Ghost.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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You stop crying out.
In pain.
When you realize.
No one cares.
But you.
So instead.
You figure out how to not.
Communicate.
Any discomfort.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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I like to walk around at night.
When no one else.
Is out.

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Nolan Bucsis Feb 2018

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I was never engaged.
With you.
Or felt something deep.
You just wrote me a story.
And I smiled.
I accepted it.
So I could be whatever.
You wanted me to be.

But,
I was and always will.
Be alone.
Talking to myself.
Instead of the idea of me.

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Nolan Bucsis Feb 2018

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What happens for you.
When you scream at the impossible.
Thinking it wants to listen.

It just goes.
About its day.
Motivated by its own mundane meaning.
Devoid of feelings.

Cold.
Stark.
Barren.
Inert.

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Nolan Bucsis Feb 2018

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I thought that.
Maybe.
I'd connected again.
To something greater that's outside myself who's existence was so poignant that I stopped for one moment to appreciate an honest true feeling or original thought that advanced both our understanding of ourselves through our shared humanity.
But,
You just wanted to **** me.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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I'm sorry.
I say this with.
Honesty.

I
Gave.
Up a.
Long.
Time ago.

I'm just waiting to die.
Unconscious.
In a drug.
Coma

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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Instead of being abandoned.
Again.
I just leave.
Before anything starts.

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Nolan Bucsis Mar 2018

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People think they know me.
But, they always.
Get it.
So.
Very.
Wrong.

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Nolan Bucsis Feb 2018

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Things always hurt.
That shouldn't.
And I'm one severe something.
Away from regretting.
All my.
Bad decisions.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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I can only see happiness.
In pictures.
Or videos of people.
Tranquil and content in nature.
While I force myself.
To rot.
In this small.
Room

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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I try to remember.
That in the grand scheme.
Of things.
I have never been more.
Than an utter failure.
Who managed to live longer.
Than he should have.

Ain't no rockbottom.
When.
There's no where to fall to.
Floating.
So far out in.
Space.

And,
I've been a loser.
Since I can remember.
With nowhere to go.

Nothing changes.
Nothing's really the matter.
Just.
Today.
Like yesterday's tomorrow.

Another side note.
In my personal diary.
Of it doesn't matter.
Never did.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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I can make it through my life.
And the day.
Only if I'm properly.
Over medicated.
On these.
Chemical friends.
Of mine.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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Ain't no one never.
Come to save me.
From ****.

I had to figure it out.
On my own.

And,
It's made me more.
Anti social.
Cause I can live all alone.
By my ain **** self.

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Nolan Bucsis Mar 2018

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I remember how she'd laugh.
And the way she felt laying there.
When we just looked at each other.
It was warm.
It was comfortable.

She said the most endearing thing.

You make me feel safe.

Now.

I just feel bad.
About ******* it up.
With nothing,
Gained.

Everything,
Lost.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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Tomorrow comes.
Even when you.
Fail.
Repeatedly.
And.
Eventually.
Everything is forgotten.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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The dreams I dream.
Dwarf my hyperbole.
In the absurd.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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I'd like there to be.
One thing.
Only we can forget.
From when we were.
Out there somewhere.
Alone.
And,
Happy.

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Nolan Bucsis Nov 2017

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When did I fall in love.
With her?
Was it when she smiled.
In that.
Oh.
So.
Special way.
Just
For me.

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Nolan Bucsis Feb 2018

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Feelings come and go in irregular patterns.
It's always most joyous.
When I have my flat affect.
Something very hard.
To read into.
Some very cold fish.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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What kinda happiness.
Is it.
That never shares with anyone.
And.
I'm more alive in my dreams.
Than being.
Cognizant.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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With blood falling down my face.
I learned that even when.
Your body quits.
You still gotta walk.
Even if you're broken.
You still need to ****.

Go to the hospital.
Be alive.

You just reflect on what it was.
For a moment until.
You leave.

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Nolan Bucsis Dec 2017

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I'm safe in this room.
As I ossify my dysfunction.
With more excuses.

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Nolan Bucsis Feb 2018

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Jesus Christ Allin.
Is my personal prophet.
My codex.
My gospel.
Rejection of life.
My creed.

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Nolan Bucsis Nov 2017

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We had our secret moments.
Didn't.
We.
Our own.
Thing.

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Nolan Bucsis May 2018

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Who are you that.
Thinks I"m so great.
I'm nothing.
Other than your grandiose over thought.
Imagination.
Barely able to feed myself.
Let alone be your.
Muse.

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Nolan Bucsis Feb 2018

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Every time I experience or create something beautiful.
It's lost on me.
Like all those long hours of conversations.
With the minds of a missed lover.
I just walk away.
I disappeared.
As though nothing happened.
Blaming myself.
For my lack of perfection.

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Nolan Bucsis Apr 2018

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I'm staring into that hole I see in reality.
I'm vacant.
Hopeless.
My mouth agape.
My eyes.
Fixated on that distant nihilism.
At the end of the Apocalypse.
A cataclysmic crescendo replaced with the absence, filled with I and other Sons of Perdition.
Wiped off your feet.
Like so much.
Random dust.

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Nolan Bucsis Feb 2018

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Hope has.
Just turned.
Into the same routine.
To try to get through.
Being alive.

Now I long for.
Quick days.
Eternity reduced.
To a milisecond panic.

No more.
Bad dreams.
No more self loathing.
The emptiness.
Of I didn't know.

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Nolan Bucsis May 2018

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Every hope I had for a future.
More meaningful.
Than just dying tomorrow.
Has disappeared.
And, now I like to stare.
At that liminal state before death.
That spot.
Somewhere far away.
Distant.
Like my gaze.
Trying not to get stuck in the.
Tomorrow.
That's no longer there.

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Nolan Bucsis Nov 2017

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I desire.
Nothing.
More.
Than a catastrophic.
Chaos.
To die in.
Ecstasy.
Over stimulation.

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Nolan Bucsis Nov 2017

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And maybe this too.
Like our lives.
Are stolen.
And sold.
At a higher price.
Than.
Free.

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Nolan Bucsis Sep 2017

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I don't believe you when you talk to me.
Cause you do different things.
And, I find it hard to fake interest.
So, I just left.

And, I think about you sometimes.
Remembering.
You've never told the truth.
Just whatever would make you feel better.
You're probably sad.

Go rely on someone else.
I don't have the time.

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Nolan Bucsis Oct 2017

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I came in on a monday or a tuesday.
I blew in with the wind.
Some seed who drifted into the imagination.
Of some woman.
Who shyly followed me around.
Waiting where I used to be.
To talk.
About something or whatever.

I just never came back.
I was blown with the chaos in my mind.
To go somewhere else or wherever.

I leave the abominable destruction.
Of what could have been.
In the minds of strangers.
Who are always cautious.
And never felt this before.

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Nolan Bucsis Dec 2017

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I seem to exist.
In the tension between.
Each here and now.
In this moment.
Always.
Anxious.
Waiting.
For something.
To happen.

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Nolan Bucsis Jan 2018

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Just one of those strange days.
Filled up with liminal time.
Feeling like.
Something good.
Might come my way.
Something positive.

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