I want to
Fester
In my mental
Waste.

I want to become
Corpulent,
Fetid,
Pestilent,
Diseased.

Wallowing in the
Awful offal
That is
The failed abortion,
Nolan,
S,
Bucsis.

I'll just call this
Self hate
Penance,
And become
Holy.

Bringing down the
Temple
On everyone in it,
A Samson
In spirit.

Everything that seems
So visceral
Today,
Fades into tomorrow,
With a semblance of
Regret,
That
I often forget.

I want to burn
Everything down
Just like
All the bridges
Left
To immolate.

I want the feeling of
Their face
On my knuckles,
Tasting the blood
Dripping down
Their face.

Bruised and torn
And
Wretched.

I wanna feel
Control.

But I always do
The least constructive
Thing.

Isolate,
Withdraw,
Elucidate
The feeling.

Til it goes away.

Until,
Again,
I become overwhelmed
With nihilistic
Anger and a strong
Urge
To **** **** up.

I am not
A happy person.

I am not
Ok.

I am barely restrained
By my flat effect
And underneath it all
Percolating just under
My skin,
Itchy,
Stinging,
Painful.

I want to
Destroy.

We used to
Walk around out
Here,
Long past
Midnight,
High and drunk.

We'd meet other
People,
Creeping about
The city at night.

Drinking down
By the river,
Illuminated in
The orange
Glow
Of a street lamp.

I went
Bump
In the night.

I crawled around
With bloated
Night crawlers.

I basked in
The shadow
Of a pair of ravens
Holding stern
Council,
Over the
Dim of the
Din
On a cold
Restless night.

I will tear
You apart
By transgressing
On
These taboos.

I will not
Ask permission.

I will not
Offer
A substitute.

I will do as
I want,
Like Raven
Who stole the
Sun.

Might be
Good,
Might be
Bad.

But,
I intend to
Offend your
Sensibilities.

**** your
Peace.

Enjoy my
Dischordant choir.

These critical
Self analyses
Hit different,
Now that
I'm more
Apathetic.

I'm a
Failure,
So *******
What.

So is everybody
Else.

Besides,
The **** do I
Care
About other
People.

I'm a
Hikikomori.

A world
Renunciate.

And,
If in my youth,
I was already
Ostracized,
Why try to fit in
Now?

I was born
Against
And now
I dance
In my
Delirium.

I am
Triumphantly
Pathetic.