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Nolan Bucsis May 29
I
Despair.
At what's left.
Of my life.

Another couldn't get up.
Suicidal ideation.
Day.
Where I slept through a nine to five.

Another.
This too will pass into another.
Hopeless situation.
Stewing in my juices.

Lusting for that finale.
As long as I'm unconscious.

It's ok.
Nolan Bucsis May 28
It has been a long
Long night.
I am at one with the darkness
And, this life?
Just a passing nightmare.
Nolan Bucsis May 28
Every day I want to die
But I can never find the right way
To elucidate it,
As if I figure out its lexicon
It will go away.

How many words do you need
For death.

How many impossible overdoses
Do you need to survive.

How many dismal dreary days
To slump through,
Do I need to experience.

Isolation.
Emptiness.
Loneliness.

Pointless useless mouth I am.
I despise myself.

Seems like for me suicide is forbidden
Some blessing of life
This is.

There is no redemption arc.
Nolan Bucsis May 28
Loneliness is a temporary thing.

Comes and goes with bad dreams
Of people I used to know.

I don't think someone else
Can fulfil me
Or bring me peace.

It would just be nice
If another ******
Would take the time
To tell me about their day.
Nolan Bucsis May 28
I've never been very good
But, the good things I've done.

Disorients people
And, they'd prefer to believe
What they want.

So who am I to disrupt
A disingenuous delusion.

I am a gnat.

An insignificant nothing
So far below average
I'm in the catacombs.

No one asked me if I wanted to be saved.
I've done things that I'm ashamed of
Only one I regret.

Maybe that's good enough.
But I doubt it
Even though I confessed my sin
To God.

I am a beast.

I just want it all to end.
This self doubt.
This self hate.
This insubstantiation about who I
Really
Am.

I am the static on the radio
A drop in a vast ocean of mediocrity.

An obsolete technology.
Living on life support
Sighing through infinity.

I am.
Nothing.
Special.
Nolan Bucsis May 26
I never told you I could
Sing.

I showed you.

And,
You still didn't
Believe me.

So I chose
To serenade
The silence.

With my discordant
Choir.
Nolan Bucsis May 26
It's not acceptable
To simply end.
I want to be erased.
From the book of life,
I want to be retroactively
Annihilated.

It is not sufficient to die.
It is only sound if I never.
Was.
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