Nolan Bucsis

Nolan Bucsis May 28

I've never been very good
But, the good things I've done.

Disorients people
And, they'd prefer to believe
What they want.

So who am I to disrupt
A disingenuous delusion.

I am a gnat.

An insignificant nothing
So far below average
I'm in the catacombs.

No one asked me if I wanted to be saved.
I've done things that I'm ashamed of
Only one I regret.

Maybe that's good enough.
But I doubt it
Even though I confessed my sin
To God.

I am a beast.

I just want it all to end.
This self doubt.
This self hate.
This insubstantiation about who I
Really
Am.

I am the static on the radio
A drop in a vast ocean of mediocrity.

An obsolete technology.
Living on life support
Sighing through infinity.

I am.
Nothing.
Special.

Nolan Bucsis May 26

Requiem

I never told you I could
Sing.

I showed you.

And,
You still didn't
Believe me.

So I chose
To serenade
The silence.

With my discordant
Choir.

Nolan Bucsis May 26

My Desire

It's not acceptable
To simply end.
I want to be erased.
From the book of life,
I want to be retroactively
Annihilated.

It is not sufficient to die.
It is only sound if I never.
Was.

Nolan Bucsis May 26

Self Loathing

There is nothing
But the madness
Of constant isolation.

I would like to peel off my face
Pour on vinegar
A penance to the beauty of life.

And me,
So ugly,
So ******,
Bleeding regret onto a page.

I wish to be ground into a carnal paste,
Fed to the dogs,
Consumed,
Destroyed completely.

Nolan Bucsis May 26

A Typical Day

Depression subsumes
Me into
Sloth.

It's hard getting up the motivation
To live
When everything is so bleak.

So empty.

These memories of people I used to know
I forgot.

My will to be
Evaporating.

Death would be a restful sleep.

Meaning reduced
To listlessness.

Nolan Bucsis May 24

Fermentation

Everything is an epitaph
A requiem for my life.

I lay in bed like one corpse
In particular
But, I can't quite get it right.

I lay there being Che on a gurney
His arms limp by his side.
His eyes agape at nothingness
Cause his brains were blown out.

You only got the profile shot.
His good side with no abhorrent holes.

I sit
moribund in my bed
Unable to sleep with light shining
Out of my eyelids.

Me, a snapshot of death.

A soul turning black with pooling spiritual blood.
Bloating and sloughing off
Pretending to be dead.

I just wish it were real,
The annulment of Nolan Bucsis
Forever stuck a corpse in a bed.

Until the rot wafts into the nose of a passer by
And they find me in the ichor
Of blackened blood caked on my linoleum.

Nolan Bucsis May 17

Plays

I can't find anything
Meaningful to say
To you
my former self.

And, if life is living the same story
Over and over.
I'd like this one
To end.

I've memorized the script.
The plot is atrocious
And I'm long past dead.

At the curtain call.