How do I make this feel better.
How do I **** the memories.
That once I was a beautiful could have been.
But now.
I just whittle away the hours.
Enter anguish when there's no more ****
No more alcohol or hours of video games.
Just to.
Waste my
Time.

Here sitting in my self abnegation.
In my sacred antipathy

I am filled with irrational fear.
And a deep hatred.
Of myself.

Everything crashes.
And I run.
Away
From here.

Into an impossible panic.
Heart dropping.
Knuckle white.
Terror.

I'm tired of living

My mind is filled with a frenzied frustration when I take the time to.
Think.
About.
Anything.
More.
Than wasting my time with overt over stimulation, just occupying time with this.
Distraction.
This.
Meandering.
Nothing.
That does nothing but fill me up with dread that I've wasted everything trying to get high.
Just.
Silencing.
That.
Voice.
Inside my head that repeats a neurotic mantra of give up, give in, give a ****.
Anything.
To.
****.
Silence