I remember you fondly,
With a warm light,
And the calmest of colds,
In the worst of times of my life.

I will never forget you,
I will never know your name,
In a way,
I will always love you.

That constant buzzing you give,
A caught word,
A loose note,
A tiny zip through the air.
I hate and relish you.

I hope to see you eye to eye,
And when I miss you you are gone,
But when I need you most
I don't know it.

And you are there.

The moment I stopped.

When you didn’t love me.

The times I said no.

A burn.

A heart wrenched.

A gasp.

Sometimes I want you.

Ah,
My beloved,
A name from god knows when.

I know you are my heartbreak,
And I know you are my truth.

If anyone’s ever abused me,
I know it has been you.

It’s not new to see me,
Pushing this boulder of a mother up a hill.
Her tears making the ground slip.
But today I stop,
Look at the “child”
And I let it fall like one.
Like it deserves,
Weather or not you carry yours.

You believe that I can,
You want me to think,
You hate to see me waste,
You can’t possibly feel like,
You don’t speak to me like that,
You don’t get a say,
You don’t get to abuse me and say I can do nothing.

Sometimes when I sit down and remember my past,
I remember sitting down and thinking of the future.
I remember moments that I send back.
I remember when I thought they were new.
Like my childhood was a configuration,
To see what I could do.

Good has always been doing what is right,
Always for the greater good.
Evil has always been doing wrong,
Doing things for yourself.
There’s a balance there hardly talked about.

You bring me deeper fights,
Darker days,
And ****** cheeks.

You bring me dimmer lights,
Dancing waves,
And ruined weeks.

You bring me destruction and pain,
You watch me drift away
Into a light that speaks.

I trusted you,
With all my heart,
But sadly,
I'm not weak.

I want you and I don't.

No matter how I wrack my brain,
I do not understand you.

I control you and I don't.

I can never understand why,
But I will always be the most curious.

I get you and I don't.

I have thought about you,
With heartbreak and smiles.

While
I do
Want you,

I know
I'm in
Denial.

You can not be my child,
I won't damage a youth,
That could make itself,
A greater truth.

I haven't felt your sizzle melt in years.
The way warm water bounces off your skin,
The way it makes you sink in,
I do not miss you.

I don't think I ever will.

I know I have
To address
This issue.

I
Don’t
Know
How.

Especially since you are a concept,
Not a number.

I don’t remember saying that,
Saying anything at all,
But my mind betrays me and turns the phrases ‘round.

I wonder what you’ll say when you realize
You haven’t been talking to me at all,
But to her,
But to someone,
Someone who won’t remember her name.

I miss you wondrously.

I see you and remember dust,
And light,
And smiling.

I miss you.

You are all of the worlds I have left behind,
Unfinished,
Forgotten,
And loved.

I remember all of your people,
They way they spoke,
Their freckles,
Their hands,
I never wanted to abandon you.

You are a tiger in the bushes,
Waiting,
Watching,
Hungry.

Calm and collected but with the threat of sharp teeth,
Of tearing,
Of irreparable tears.

If we do anything together it is dance,
And we gracefully change
From lead to lead,
Waiting for someone to step on our toes.

What firey hell they await.

I don’t understand how you are so vast,
But so small.

I want to hold you near my heart,
I wonder where your god is.

If there are gods you should be one.

I would love you.