you were my first love
my first soulmate
my first heartbreak
before any boy,
it was you

we fight
and make up
break each other's hearts
and put the pieces back together
go our separate ways
and find our way back to each other
only to fight again
break again
separate again
tell me, my love
why do we do it?
again
and
again
the cycle
never-ending
the pain
frustration
heartbreak
eternal
why end
only to begin again?

i am undeserving of your love
i push you away
until seas lie between us
our feet on opposite sides of the border
i am undeserving of your love
i have broken you
into pieces
destroyed you
piece by piece
demolished you
until nothing remains
i am undeserving of your love
your eyes once full of light
are now clouded with darkness
that is the effect i have
everything i touch turns rotten
blooming flowers wilt
life becomes death
i am undeserving of your love
i know it
you know it
they know it
yet you love me

"come home," i whispered to my mirror reflection
she sat unmovingly
her eyes lost in the void of time
her voice incapable of speech
her body in a state of paralysis
but her mind
was full of utter chaos
her thoughts waged a war
with her anxiety
depression
loneliness
all buzzing louder than a bee's nest
"home? what is that?" they asked

she had lost
everything
and
everyone
she had ever known
only to feel
the freest
she had ever felt

tell me what i should do
to be
liked
accepted
loved
cherished
by them
the 8-year-old girl asked
begging her mirror for an answer
as tears rolled down her cheeks
her 17-year-old reflection smiled back
be unapologetically you,
she replied
be the
kind
overcaring
overloving
pure at heart
genuine in character
girl you are
and those who choose
to know you
to know
all your
deepest
fears
flaws
insecurities
nightmares
and choose
to love you
unconditionally regardless
those are your people,
and you will
never
ever
have to
alter
change
or reinvent
yourself for them
wait for those people,
they will come in time
i promise you
do not settle
in friendships
or
relationships
no matter
how hard the urge might be
i know you're tired
of pretending you’re okay
you come home everyday
with another thing about yourself
you want to change
you get a new haircut
you buy new clothes
you abandon everything about yourself
that makes you who you are
only for it to backfire
i know
you're exhausted
on the brink of giving up
you want nothing more
than to be
loved
and
cared
about
in the same way
you do for others
and you deserve nothing less either
you ARE different
than them
you should not be
trying to fit in
when you were
born to stand out

if only you knew the battles my heart has waged,
at the utterance of your name.

for the first time,
the past no longer
resembled the
lurking, grey clouds
before a storm
after all,
the heavy rain
the roaring thunder
the strikes of lightning
must be weathered
if a rainbow is to appear

my life is the epitome of extremity.

when i am happy,
i radiate the brightest of lights,
ablaze with the warmth of a continent of fires,
that even the sun cannot cease to compare.

when i am sad,
i disintegrate into nothingness,
water uncontrollably pouring from the shells of my eyes,
incomparable to any ocean ever known.

i am either nothing or everything;
there is no in-between.

some nights,
i cannot imagine a life where you are not mine,
one where my heart does not belong to you.
other nights,
i wonder if i am too consumed by my love for you,
to comprehend what is best for me.

she looked me in the eye,
taking my hand in hers,
our fingers entwined.
"us against the world", she said.
i smiled,
laying my head upon her shoulder,
as we gazed up above to heavens;
an infinite void of boundless possibilities.
"forever and always", i replied.

days
weeks
months
spent crying over your absence.
days
weeks
months
spent waiting for you to come back.
days
weeks
months
spent questioning my own identity.
days
weeks
months
spent pondering my will to live.
days
weeks
months
of self-hatred
until,
one day,
one week,
one month,
of self-realization;
as if your absence could determine my self-worth.

but how can one person
be your perfect dream
and
your worst nightmare
all in one.

imagine a love so deep,
that even
oceans
mountains
skies
cannot compare in depth.
endless in time,
limitless in power;
a love like ours.

if only we knew it was going to end this way,
as it never truly existed in the first place.
strangers who were once soulmates;
would we do it again?

you left.
and she entered.
you broke me.
into utter nothingness.
and she pieced every fragment of my heart back together.
until i was entirely complete again.
you taught me, that i needed you the most.
she teaches me, that i need myself the most.
you loved me.
she loves me.
all the flaws, insecurities and emotional boundaries included.
and i,
i still love you,
i always will.
but i do not need you.
not anymore.
my happiness does not depend on your presence.

i try to write how i feel.
i am left with an empty sheet of paper,
one where letters have not deemed themselves enough,
to make an appearance.
but tears, my god, do they know how to capture the show.

every time we argue,
a part of me
the
insecure
scared
vulnerable
part of me
convinces myself that this
this argument
will be when you realize
that i am nothing more than an unnecessary burden on your shoulder
which like any other burden,
you would be better off without
yet time after time
this moment does not come.

in the end, you only have yourself.
you belong to yourself before you belong to anyone else.
you are your own best friend.
your own lover.
your own savior.
your own soulmate.
it has always been you, my love.
it will always be you.

you whisper my name as if it is the most beautiful thing in the entire universe.
tell me baby, did you whisper hers the same?