Nikki Paulin

Nikki Paulin Mar 2014

Here in my spirit room, waxing poetic over your incandescent visage.

Words just drone on and sighs escape me when I think of you - you and your odd symmetry.

I am not one for tempting fate though. If you stand by your words and tell me you cannot love me, I will assume all the necessary burden of painting the scenes in my head with you and me clasped in the thrift of hope.

You belong to someone else.
The roads pulsate to take you away from me.
You know, my world is building walls of acceptance but is crumbling into pieces of bitterness at the same time.
In the end, you will tread along the lighted path and I will decompose into the depths of darkness.

Understand that sadness for me means you are and will always be loved, and I will be forever cursed to breathe in the specks only of possibilities and of sorry chances.

You are mine but only within the autonomy of my thoughts.

That I will carve on my skull, that I will bathe myself in.

...

p.s. I will wait forever, my Joy. My love is hopeful.

Nikki Paulin Dec 2013

Misplaced reality

I don't know you, but I feel you right from the get-go. You go about your routine that lassoed my heart into you, you who prance around the vastness of my dreamscape. I come to recognize your presence only in my sleep, at the very least that's what I know.

In that hazy, twisted world of subconscious shuffling, we find ourselves sitting cozily, face to face, at a table outside that rustic coffee shop. Honeyed words and laughters sprightly echo from that very spot where only a vase of freshly cut chrysanthemum sets two bodies and heat apart, longing.

Sometimes, we glorify sunsets at the shoreline. Sometimes, we sound our inane daredevil yawp at a cliff. Sometimes, we simply stargaze and draw across the skies Cassiopeia and Ursa Major.

We embrace the beauty of chaos we often find ourselves walking aimlessly along that busy thoroughfare before we head back home; normally we exchange random thoughts about school, my fascination with Rand's objectivist framework, your addiction to Cobain's craft and story, my weakness over falling in love too fast, your resilience and hope in times of defeat.

We are wired to each other in a special way, so special that it all has to be in lucid dreams. Feelings are intense. Kisses euthanize the butterflies. Midnight cuddles are soulful calisthenics. Holding each other's hand is infinite.

You present to me a self that is nurtured by its soul. I think I love you in my sleep. I feel happy with everything that goes with closing my eyes and letting dreams of the world I created creep into my consciousness. In such a realm I don't know you, but I feel you right from the get-go.

Do you see me in your sleep, too?

Nikki Paulin Dec 2013

The white space of being left behind

We spoke whispers in the shadows
because since the beginning
we were doomed in the dark.

You had the utter decency of telling me how you'd outgrown my gnarled hands that used to be clasped in endless hope with you.

And so you proceeded with your litany of sad literature and decided to head for the hills.

You trod along that lonely road
as though every step you took
was saying goodbye to forever.

Slowly, the distance that painted
the unforgiving space between us
ran its soft fingers through my seething soul, rendered me so mortified I could die.

Tonight, I take refuge in the thought
that things will eventually fall into place.

I will shuffle all my sobbing into my sleeves. Guess I'm getting bloodshot eyes after all.

Nikki Paulin Sep 2013

Porous Lamentations

Rainy days tend to bring back the thoughts of you and the memories too sweet to last.

Say, for instance, how we used to sing Neil Sedaka's Laughter In The Rain albeit usually off-key in the bleak afternoons of blissful rainshowers.

Please know I still take retreat in the savage memory of the way we cuddled our way to sleep.

The warmth of that olden moment is vividly felt now that cold is slowly taking over on my rough skin.

Then all of a sudden, a whiff of musk gradually permeates the olfactory as you generously caress my neck all the way to my chin.

And in the midnight of supposed lonely horrors, you deliberately move with the merest of ripples just so you could steal kisses on my forehead.

I shuffle my giggles into my sleeves as I roll slightly aside as though unconscious.

Just humor my bittersweet recollection of midday magic.

Nikki Paulin Jun 2013

Shallow days

Such pestilence
In these words I convey
For my heart was no good
And I got mad
I got bitter
Poignant thoughts
Trod upon these arms
Wisdom needed home
Where it could dominate
And wipe away
The cobwebs in my desires.

Nikki Paulin Jun 2013

The point of no return

This is the point of no return
The point where the roads no longer converge
The point where endings don’t meet
And the last tear of sacrifice has dripped.

All the path is ablaze
All spin of memories wrought
Photographs and visions burnt
And the birds of darkness have flown across the coast

Swirl and hurl into a tailspin of sins
Flesh is intact but scars won’t heal
It leaves a mark so indelible it cannot be healed
Pains of the past keep repeating
Soul in solitude, now in misery

We walked along this dreaded path
Scathed, restless like streams
By the river, we promised the moon we shall move on
Time said I did, and still I am
Yet alone, yet in vain

For life is but fair
Fair to child’s fragile heart hoping
Fair to every dream candid
Fair to every life not spared

The destiny weeps for my daunting decisions.
I feel sorry for my life.

Nikki Paulin Jun 2013

Superfluous

I am down
To my last stick,
But I am still not
Over the thoughts of you...

Of your gentle voice,
Of your tender lips,
Of your warm embrace,
Of the tiny c r e a s e s you make on the bed sheet,
Of the fragrant musk,
Of the window dust you used to wipe off,
Of the unpaired slippers,
Of the now cobwebbed toothbrush,
Of the hair strands left on my towel,
Of the socks,
And of the smell of your mocassin.

There's just so much of you I am helpless about
Now that you're gone
As I blow this last packet of smoke
Into the darkness of this spirit room.

I weep.

— The End —