heart beats a mile a minute
I wish it didn't beat at all

lying on the tiled floor
cool against my bare skin
glance at my familiar addiction
the razor
it made me feel when I was numb
and made me numb when I didn't want to feel
could it all be over so quickly
just a slice on my skin
and a minute of pain
before it all went dark
and I was freed from these chains
that held me to the earth
but I can't do that to myself
I have people to live for
and even in our roughest patches
they stood by me
but their love wouldn't take away the pain
or make the scars fade
or help satisfy my thirst for hurt
they could deal
but I could not

They all thought he was fine
Smiling down the hall
Appearing genuinely content
But it's amazing what a mask
Can cover up
All the pain
The guilt
The anger
Untill it boils over
And all we're left with
Is a dead boy
And a smoking gun

The demons can swim
And the tide is rising
I'm chained to the pole
That was our love
They're getting closer
And screaming my name
And all I can hear
Is you

I'm kinda over being told I did it wrong.
That I wouldn't be good enough if I tried.
That I should give up before I get hurt.
But I will never stop fighting for what I love, for what I believe in.
You can tease the **** out of me, but I will never stop being who I am. If you have a problem with me, leave. I don't need to hear it, and no one else does either. Leave me be. I am who I am and I have no problem telling you what I believe in, in a very noisy, embarrassing manner.

pale moon light
harsh camera flash
whiskey
cigarettes
razors
scattered leaves
beauty is not me
pain is me
blood is me
*** is me
im the model of bad
the only kind of model i can be

I wish I could buy a new heart
out of a vending machine
it'd make money
from all the broken
damaged
stolen
heartless people
they need new hearts
because someone else
broke theirs

I tried not to fall in love with your heavenly smile
I tried not to become obsessed with your glorious body
I tried not to faint when I heard your voice
But alas, you fell in love with her heavenly smile
And her glorious body
And her dizzy-making voice
And overlooked me
Like you always have

about a year ago I started self harming. my good friend made me a little stuffed animal to keep close during those lonely times.
I was holding it and felt something in it. I opened it and found this note:
"dear heavenly father,
please watch over nik. let his emotional pain dissapear and his scars fade. help him to forgive himself, please.
amen"
it's honestly the nicest thing I've ever experienced.

you let them pound
on your walls of emotion
blocked them out
never letting them see
how much pain your eyes held
I wish I was as strong
as that barred up girl
dealing with everything
yet showing nothing
how can one person hold it all in?
I'd have died
crushed by my own toppling walls
as they squeezed my last breath of sorrow
out of my crumpled body
lying in a heap
waiting for warm arms
but recieving
nothing

when the sky goes grey
and the sun starts hiding
that's when it gets too hard
to hide the sadness in my eyes

what if we all
just fell over dead
and the world just kept spinning
around in our heads
we'd slowly decay
and turn into mush
and finally forget
that horrible rush

broken hearts broken bones
no one cares cause no ones home
left me struggling screaming drowning
always crying always frowning