misery loves company they say
misery-
the misery of losing a loved one l, a friend, a sister, an influence
someone who made you laugh till your gut ached and your eyes watered
someone who knew everything about you
A fighter
Every breath is taken in honor of you- life has gained new meaning
I will guide you while you stand on my feet, mimicking every move you once made
And in the distress of a lost, I gained an old friend
Someone whose voice shook my insides and welcomed my heart back with a subtle hello
New life, New beginnings, Endings, Fresh starts, Tragedies - Colliding and crashing into one another
When it rains It pours, she says
Needing you will always harass me
Missing her will hit me at times, just as the pain of you haunted me for nearly.. well, who are we kidding? It still haunts me and hides until someone says your name, or I see your face plastered across my screen  
So, I will learn to love. Slowly. And I will learn to Grieve. Slowly.
you will learn that my love never dies, and so will she.

My sadness for you has been swept under the rug, for you are not the person I fell in love with last summer.
You are a new you
A new, *******, version of yourself.
So, I will not sulk. The you I knew is no longer there.
Maybe we will meet as strangers once again.

having to constantly remind myself that the memories i have of you are overdue. You are no longer the lover of books and finer things. You no longer love blonde hair and hazel eyes
you are new - not necessarily bad new, but new.
the smell of a car fresh off the lot
the pigmented, bright colors of a new pack of markers
you are restarting, while i am stuck in motion
someone stopped time and resuscitated me. It happens from time to time.
I think I am done, that life is finally flowing and time is flying by, but it never ends.
You are wherever I look, whatever i read, The bittersweet of whatever I taste.
The good memories are kept close, inside a locket, near my heart - To remind me of who you where when you claimed to love me
I loved you then, and I will love you now.
If, and only if, you decide to ever reenter my life
Do not be afraid
I will break you in

Lonely nights followed by even lonelier nights after seeing you for the first time in years-
I thought I finally knew what I wanted, and by similar ****** expressions, I thought you did too
But small talk turned to lectures and I found in you the person I used to love so dearly,
I found that the second half of my soul did not change too much- just hid in disguise while trying
To figure out himself
You said you were doing just fine, but by the way your eyes disengaged from mine and the exhaustion in your voice I knew better than to believe you. I always liked to think I knew you best. Those other empty basket cases you filled your life with were obvious fillers for the hollowed out space between your bones.
You knew what you deserved, but never had the courage to dive into deep waters- always scared of the creatures that could be hiding in the depths of your deepest rest.

I admire your name as if I wear it like a chain around my neck
I speak your name as if you pulled out of me the answers everyone
Had been searching for-
Is it psychically possible for you to be my other half without actually
Being mine?
I will never know the answer to many things- crossword puzzles, history exams,
Why addiction takes over the vulnerable; but with you, answers come spewing out of me
And often times the only option I have is to display them poetically.
For everyone to see but you
The first time we masked each other with each other's scent I was far from the truth- easily forgetting your name along with the way you made my whole body collapse, with a simple touch.
So long after I thought you had disappeared, you return
and my head- instantly filled with memories of you.
Awkward encounters, blushed cheeks and nervous hellos that made you irresistible.
If this dream of mine that you so favorably take part in vanishes with the alarming sound of reality I will so dearly hold these memories in mind and keep them to remind myself of someone who made me feel like the sun.

You have left me with no choice but to praise you and kiss your feet
Your feet that walk upon this earth, this earth that holds the standard for everything beautiful;
The lens at which I see you through is capable of finding even the most magical treasures of this earth, so I find truth when I see nothing but your beating heart amongst your grey silhouette  
Oh how should it be that the leaf finds its way to the ground after leaving the tree,
Just the same as how a broken clock is right twice a day,
By fait, or by chance, you found your way to me;
Or maybe my endearing smile enticed you,
Perhaps I enchanted you, bringing a new light to your eye.
For I have read stories of people like you
Of similar stature and mannerisms,

I could scan the pages of every fairytale and show you what I mean, or turn to science and use laws that hold a power over our direction of thought-
Although, the most powerful lesson learned in school was self-taught;
Love is the highest valued element in human nature and it is in our human nature to use our senses to find what makes up happy,
There is a balance amongst the chaos- this balance aids in our search for genuine happiness
                                                    Tha­t balance is you.
I see the earth equaling day
and night in your eyes
With one touch I feel
all four seasons at once-
Tugging at every nerve.

You are the balance of every equation, every law. You are the exception.

I'm sitting in my living room replaying everything you said to me, and thinking, no matter the amount of brutal words used you would have never hurt me the way he did
the way he put my hands on me-
the amount of times i have counted the clouds on our tacky living room wallpaper, my heart and stomach are not positioned correctly and I can hear me telling you no, no, no repeatedly
but you not being able to hear because desire has taken over your whole body and replaced it as the only thing you know best.
I may not be full of much faith at this point, but the one thing I do agree with is how Jesus forgave his prosecutors.
I will forgive you but I will never forget
I will not forget the words you whispered, the
way you thought it was ok-
the emotional scars on my body and mind will live on to tell the tale of that night in full detail, but I will keep scrubbing my body, and washing my hands until the dirt I can see is no longer visible.
I will look into the eyes of the next boy I think I love and question whether or not he will hurt me the way you did-
the skeleton in my closet will have to come out eventually, but every time I reopen that door I will be faced with the sad reality that is life.

My future just dialed in with terrible news
the world was ending and there was nothing I could do
and I was shocked to find it was not because you left,
it was not jesus coming back to name my sins
the answer to this question, and many more, is inside each individual
like a philosopher, I often peel back surface layers in hopes there is something beneath what I fear most, I  think about the past and future as if an oracle put me to it-
I scan, ponder and reminisce on all of the mysteries I have unfolded and the ones awaiting me
to believe there is something better beyond my knowledge limits my willingness to adventure
I must find the better, the good of it all, and let it devour me-
I must crawl into the depths of the volcanoes and stay with the sacrificed,
I must give my enemies a piece of myself to feel whole again.

One must test limits to know where they stand in relation to who they will become.
-Every answer can be answered with a simple self examination.

you're by far the best human being i have ever had the pleasure to meet
Someone cares!!! someone wants to listen to my babble, my never ending talk of what is to come and my battles against jealousy.
my chest is burning and my lungs are filling with something that seems to be toxic but the after taste is pleasant
it's good and the feeling of chocking on air has never felt more comforting
i cannot even begin to express the emotions that hit my nerves and run through my veins when the thought of you pops in my head
there are actual tears, this is all too surreal and the feeling of being dropped hits me again but harder this time than ever before. If i were to lose him how would life go on? see i know it would go on and it must but i'm that stupid head over heels teen who sees nothing beyond the now, ****
God why have you placed this boy in my line of view? did you wish to see me weak and vulnerable
a sick joke
i refuse to let someone make me feel this way, yes, wonderful, exhilarating feeling of biting into strawberries and drawing with fresh ink but i'm helpless please let me be an insider to my own thoughts

To give or to give up;  that is the question
To give all one has with uncertainty lurking
To feel the dread and guilt of a being
And do nothing with these feelings,
Or to end all current affairs
To love, to sulk,
But whatever do, do greatly
Crossroads between head and Heart
Who has that ability to identify between
The two, not I
To love, to sulk,
To love- perhaps feelings could rearrange
But to what extent? Giving fully requires
No mixed emotion, certainty, and what
We may not see; something so undefined
We are all missing a piece of who we
Used to be, That “piece” being a person
At times, learning not to let one define
Another but lessons do not stick,
Leaving one remembering what could be
What could be? If thoughts could ****
Leaving your heart aching and restless
Who would hurt more if feelings were
Turned to actions, the giver or taker
One being left with confusion and disbelief
Not knowing forever could end so soon
Another being sorrowful but keeping
The  head high, away from the waters
Made from tears of past mistakes,
Oh the recurrence
When asking one’s self to give or
Not to give keep in mind one thing,
You live for you and no one else
If you feel, act; whether it comes
From the head or heart, feelings
Are feeling that should not be untouched

Once we begin to accept what we believe to be the "normal" mannerisms of another we sub-consciously set standards for ourselves that are not humanly attainable-
like so, we begin to believe in fate and God.
slowly but surely we put faith into things so far out of reach
which eventually shrinks us and limits us on the endless possibilities of this here universe.
One will easily contract the idealism that there are specific attributes for a group of people, or a set of ideas.
we are blinded by life and turn socially unaccepted beliefs into acceptance.
kind heart or no heart, accept nothing until it proves to match your values and your morals.
and even when acceptance is accepted for what it is think harder about when it was acceptable to accept such a thing.

for the first time in a long time I have been enlightened on what I have been so wrongly blinded by  -you-
and I do not want anyone if they do not resemble you in the slightest-
I don’t want an artificial, superficial, body plastered by cliché attributes and predictable habits
I want effortless sways and maybes and every if in the world if that is all you had to offer me
     If it is not you today, maybe a year
time is but a theory when you are the passing thought.

i should be over you
i should be over the feelings you made me feel
the kind but deadly words you stuffed down my throat and made me believe
this feeling continues to linger without giving any subtle hints
you didn't love me
love does not come with so many sorry's
you talked and talked and thought no one would tell me
your idea of love sickens me and if i realize this i should be able to let you go right?
no
too many memories
the history between us will never fade
i love you to hate you

People will tell you what to say, and tell you what to do
But when it comes to feeling- that choice is up to you
The demons within me from past events turned cold give
A twist to this exterior of gold.
See things are not always rays of sun seeping through my skin
I have been burned from second hand sin- and although this
Baggage is a lot to unpack, when laid out in sight it portrays who
I really am.
I am the daughter of an addict, and a victim of assault but these things, they
Have made me, built and sculpted from head to toe and have planted
The roots that never fail to grow-
I never once thought that a bad seed would sprout something new, but
I was proved wrong as I watched how I grew.
And as I grew, I witnessed from the inside looking out that the things from the
Past cannot define you unless you give them the power to,
We are all victims of a crime, but how would that end, if we all took
Our hand and chopped it off instead?
We must not blame ourselves for what we cannot control, but give credit
Where it is due and thank yourself for making it through-
These darkened days that some call home, because not everyone
Makes it out to say- I am stronger than I was before.

Evidently I am writing to you again and hoping you will
Never receive this letter, but
Something that is also very apparent is that I have a hard time
Keeping to myself the words that pour from me, and do you want to
Know why? Because, I have lost too many people and have witnessed people
Lose loved ones- last words are crucial, so I make a point to speak my
Mind as soon as the words come to mind; because no one knows when
Someone's last breathe will be.
I want the people I love to know that I love them.
I want you to know that I loved you and still do, and will continue to as long
As I live.
You were my first and you gave me so much more than anything physical could attest to.
My first nervous text
My first heart shaped pizza
My first meal cooked together (sorta)
My first valentine's day celebrated right
My first hammock kiss
My first walk in the river fiasco
My first period guide
My first, "you get to meet my whole family, are you ready?"
My first realization that, "wow, he truly loves me."

I know what you are thinking. These things are pretty ordinary, and
Somewhat lame; but I loved this boy with every bone in my body and
I will write about it until it goes out of style because I have not experienced
Anything like it since, and I am starting to believe that is why it's called
Magic.