Autumn

when love falls apart slowly
and hearts feel so paper thin
thin enough to crumble at any moment
like the autumn leaves

air so crisp
takes your breath away
like the last kiss, the last words

golden skies at dusk
the last chance, the last spark
like a candle burning out

falling slowly
drifting slowly
fading slowly

a w a y

I always believed that the only way to find myself
was to push everyone away

Part of me wants to be alone
depending on myself, no one else
that way no one could hurt me

Part of me wants to fall so deeply in love
with my eyes closed, no fears, no doubts

I've come to realize that I'd rather feel real, true love
& all the pain that comes with it
than be alone, isolated
within my walls

because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all.

A million other choices
but the one that is wrong
is the one I will always choose

because I love playing with fire
I collect the ashes each time I'm burnt
and put them in the hands of my demons
they haunt me every night

I am not as weak as I once was
but nothing could make me strong enough to ignore you

No one had ever looked at me the way you did
and I'd give anything to stare into those eyes again
I remember (how could I forget)
Your words that made me feel on top of the world and
Your words that made me fall to rock bottom

You say I have a piece of you here
A piece I'll never be satisfied with
I need all of you, here, with me

how am I supposed to forget you
if I you're the only thing I see
in everyone I meet
in everything I do
you've taken over
you're not only inside my head
locked away inside my memory
you broke free
now you're everything I see too

stop wasting your breathe
I just agree
so I don't have to hear you speak anymore
we are nothing alike
why can't you see the beauty in every day
why can't you expand my mind and encourage me to be different
how am I your daughter?
how do I desire to explore and love and learn
when you desire to live a 'normal' life
I get uneasy when I think about the rest of my life being 'normal'
I want my life to be filled with passion
I want to find new things to fall in love with everyday
You just want to come home after a long day of work

and I have realized that's okay
it's selfish to get angry at you for not understanding me
I'll just keep searching for someone who does
I am so grateful to have a mother who supports me in one way;
financially.
but who am I suppose to tell all my secrets to?

I hate you
I hate how you tell me everything I want to hear
to make me reconsider
that things could ever work out  
stop saying

"I miss you,
I want my hands on you,
you're gorgeous,
be my girl,"

oh, and the best one

"I don't feel like we are done yet.. but I know it hurts you so I should just let you be."

stop it. just stop. you're just saying that so I'll tell you the opposite
you're hoping I'll tell you to never stop
because you want the upper hand
when did love become a game

Wish I could take my own advice
you can't control me like you used to
but I know (everyone knows) that if you came back to this town
I would crumble
I would be in a familiar place (in the palm of your hand)
a second chance to be exactly what you want
but why should I try to mold myself into shapes you choose

so here I am
reminiscing sweet summertime
how it always ends so cold
this 'oh so familiar' sting to my soul

maybe, I'm missing the point of this ongoing lesson
maybe, I need to let this autumn heartbreak build me up
instead of tearing me down
because it tears, and tears, and tears
soon enough, I'll be torn

I've tried and tried
to convince myself that

It was love not lust
but your lies told me otherwise

I've tried and tried
to convince myself that

It was lust not love
but your eyes tell me otherwise

today I sat in my car and watched the rain fall
I feel more at peace when I watch the storm rage on
but I cannot help but remember the way you told me
how you cannot wait to watch the rain, the storm
as you sit under your covered patio
in Colorado
a thousand miles
away from me

& i'll never forget the way
you made me feel
more alive
during those warm
summer nights
than anyone could
in my entire life